trauma – Page 7 – Victoria McGee, M.A.

What If I’m Not Strong Enough?

September 13, 2015September 13, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, PTSD, recovery, self-improvement, spirituality, trauma

“God is the strength in which I trust.”

A Course in Miracles

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.”

Psalm 46:1

Living with PTSD, surviving trauma, and healing those wounds requires great strength. At some point, we all ask ourselves this question: What if I’m not strong enough?

Initially, we are probably not strong enough. Anyone who has been through trauma knows what shock feels like. It is a strange limbo-land of disassociation. Thank God for it, however. Without it we would jump a very fast train to mental illness.

But when the shock wears off, we are left to our own devices. Those of us who report rape, or are involved in tragedies, or acts of war are led to seek help by caregivers, counselors, social workers, or perhaps chaplains. These people start us on a path of healing we would have trouble navigating on our own.

For those who don’t experience this initial helping hand, who keep their trauma locked up or don’t have access to tell their story, the path is longer and more difficult, but still is possible. Because “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phillipians 4:13)

Again, in this blog, I hope you take any reference to God or Christ or Buddha and make it personal for yourself and your beliefs. At the core is the belief that a spiritual faith of some kind will lead you to an enduring healing from trauma. The implicit gift in this, is that an established faith gives you an all-access pass to healing, 24-7.

In my last blog I talked about acceptance. I shared that I was afraid to accept that this trauma had happened. I had been raped and now I had to learn how to heal. I was also afraid to do what it would take to heal. What if I wasn’t strong enough?

At first, I wasn’t strong enough. In fact, I felt weaker and more vulnerable than ever before in my life. Thankfully, that feeling grew tiresome. As I’ve shared before, I realized I was giving the rapist more power, more parts of myself by not sleeping, by shrinking, by being afraid.

That pissed me off, thank God! And I went through a period of rage and anger that at least ignited my will to be happy and successful in spite of what I had been through.

But we can’t live in a state of anger. And peace of mind achieved through anger is short-lived at best. Anger can make you feel strong, but it isn’t real strength.

Real strength came from God. Real strength came from turning my fear and anger over to the Holy Spirit to be alchemized into a strength through peace of mind that I hadn’t previously experienced. Ever.

The best news was that I didn’t have to be strong enough to heal from this. God was strong enough. When I felt it was too hard, I turned to God. How many times, you may ask? I’ll let you know when I’m done. And that’s not an exhausting statement, but a comforting one. To know I don’t have to rely on my own strength is the most relaxing thought in the universe, if we believe it. We get so caught up in the doingness of life that we think our own strength is all we have and all we need. No wonder we are often weary.

When you turn to God and ask for help, your doubts, fears and anger will be alchemized into the strength you need. I’m fascinated with the idea of alchemy. In the Middle Ages and Renaissance it was a forerunner of chemistry, as scientists tried to meld metals into valuable creations. It is also now defined as “a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination.”

This is what God does, if we will turn to God for strength. Alchemize our fear into strength. Transform our anger into strength. Create strength within us that surprises and delights us.

Only then can we take that strength, real strength, out into the world to serve others. Real strength comes from love and creates more love.

“Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart.”

~Rumi

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

9/13/2015

The Power of Acceptance

August 30, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, PTSD, spirituality, trauma, Uncategorized

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~ Viktor Frankl

This quote applies to so many of us who deal with PTSD. Whether your trauma is from war, physical attack, abuse or any of the numerous situations humans go through, we often feel helpless in the face of our darkness.

Viktor Frankl, concentration camp survivor, knows this all too well. It’s difficult to think of a situation more helpless than being in a concentration camp. Any person who is held against their will and subjected to horrific losses of human dignity has suffered beyond that which we can fathom. And how astounding is the human spirit that comes to realize in that instance, the only power we have is within our own mind.

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You may be thinking, “Wait, I’m the victim here. Why should I have to change? Why should I be the one who has to do all this work? It isn’t fair.”

You are 100% correct. It isn’t fair. It is what it is. The trauma happened. We didn’t have a choice in that. But we have choices from this point forward. We can choose to spend our time thinking about how unfair it all is. We absolutely have that option.

Or we can set about accepting what has happened, and move forward in our healing.

But acceptance can sometimes be the place we get stuck. The muddy quicksand our mind will not move from. Why is acceptance so difficult?

Sometimes, it’s simply that accepting what happened makes it real. Once you truly, (and really, and awfully) accept that this trauma happened to you, it can be terribly frightening. It leads to thoughts about the world not being a safe place for you. It leads to thoughts about how to make certain this never happens again. It leads to thoughts about how you have no control or power in your life.

That is huge.

No wonder we are reluctant to accept. There’s fear beyond that. However, notice all of those fears are thoughts. And thoughts can be changed. This is where healing begins.

I went through this struggle with acceptance. When you’ve had a fairly “normal” American upbringing (meaning no major horrors, abuse or neglect), it’s difficult to believe you’ve been assaulted. Each morning, I would wake up and wonder if it actually happened. Each morning it was my first thought. I went over it again and again. I wanted to go back in time, to lock my patio door securely, to do whatever I needed to do to make it un-happen. I was so afraid to accept that it had happened. I was also afraid to do what it would take to heal. What if I wasn’t strong enough? I turned to God again and again for that strength.

There is such lovely and simple wisdom in the Serenity prayer. It should be a PTSD mantra:

“God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The courage to change the things I can – this starts with our own thoughts. Our thoughts often require a warrior chant to beat them down. But we know, through practice and now science as well, that our thoughts are entirely our own choosing.

And this, my friends, is where we start to reclaim our selves.

This is often quoted, but always bears hearing again:

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

There is nothing my holiness cannot do.

~A Course in Miracles

Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

August 30, 2015

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PTSD – The Gift That Keeps on Giving

August 23, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

“We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. You always have the choice.” – Dalai Lama

PTSD is indeed the gift that keeps on giving. For most of us who have experienced deep trauma, we will deal with it on some level for the rest of our lives. When I shared that recently with a young Iraqi war veteran, he was dismayed. He wanted to know how to make it go away for good. I encouraged him to focus on the new truths he now carries with him; the sanctity of life, the futileness of war, the oneness of all people. I counseled him to go out and help others. It is the most unselfish way to selfishly heal. And I urged him to fight the gnawing drive to isolate. And I told him it will get better, so much better. But it will never be gone, and that’s okay.

There are different types of PTSD, some short-lived, some chronic and persistent. Whatever type of PTSD you may be dealing with, there are genuine gifts within it, if you choose to focus on them. And realize you could not have acquired these gifts any other way.

I may have mentioned in a previous post that I now consider PTSD and my circumstances a gift. This quote from Alex Elle is so true! “I am thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.”

Each person will draw different lessons and gifts from PTSD. Here are just of few of mine.

I learned that I have a strength in me that cannot be undone.
I learned that my faith will truly support me through the unthinkable.
I learned that I had a mission to help young women discover their strength and empower them.
I learned to be more compassionate and tolerant of others because most people are struggling with something at any given point in life.
I learned that forgiveness sets us free.
I learned that healing is a perpetual circle of giving and receiving. I have received the most healing when in the act of healing others.

But what if you’re not there yet? What if all you see now is the terror, the ugliness, and the lack of humanity that led to your trauma? Please know that you will reach this point of recognition, if you take the path of light, not darkness. (By darkness I mean drugs, alcohol, despair, etc.)

Those of us who have walked the path can assure you that these steps will get you there.

Keep going. One Day At A Time. Every day get up and try. Focus on what is good around you. Pray for yourself. Pray for others. Make one person’s day better. Soon a month will have passed, then a year, and you will be better.

Turn to your faith. Whatever you call the Divine, keep It close. Put affirmations on your bathroom mirror, in your car, wherever you need it. Turn to God hourly, or as often as you can throughout the day. Healing will hurry to you.

Get help. Go to a therapist who specializes in trauma. If you can’t afford it, seek help in your community. There are always free services for trauma victims. God will mend your soul, but your mind needs therapy. It will work in tandem with your spiritual healing to smooth your traumatic thoughts.

Take good care of yourself. Spend quality time with yourself, your friends, and your family. Make a list of the things that bring you joy and start doing them again. Feed yourself happiness.

Help others. Find places you can be of service. Feed the homeless, teach a class, volunteer to help the environment, etc. Anything you do in this regard takes you out of your drama and helps you remember your ability to contribute in a positive way to the human race.

Of all of these steps, aside from turning to my faith, helping others was most healing for me. When I’m helping others (for me this is teaching), I’m completely absorbed by the needs of my students and I know at the end of the day that I’ve truly helped and hopefully made a difference.

Re-claiming your value as a positive power on Earth is the key to your healing. It’s what will ultimately lead you to recognizing the gifts of your PTSD.

I put this quote on my email signature because it is the most important thing for us all to remember every day. It’s credited to J.M. Barrie.

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

Be at peace, dear friends and know that you are loved beyond our capacity to comprehend.

You are Still Beloved…

Victoria McGee

8/23/2015