PTSD – Victoria McGee, M.A.

Spiritual Bypassing in Trauma Healing

October 13, 2023 by Victoria McGee, posted in childhood abuse, faith, forgiveness, God, grief, healing, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

I’ve seen the term “spiritual bypassing” tossed around a lot lately. Although the term was first coined by psychotherapist John Welwood in the early 1980s, it’s gained public awareness due to a combination of the growing spirituality movement, and also social media quotes and memes. It’s definitely something I’ve experienced and anyone healing from trauma needs to be aware of it.

Spiritual bypassing is defined by Welwood as “a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.” Often, people aren’t aware they are sidestepping or avoiding dealing with issues, they truly believe applying spiritual practices solely will provide complete healing. To say “Everything happens for a reason” or “Heaven needed another angel” might give momentary comfort, but it doesn’t deal with, or in any way heal, the kind of deep mental and emotional wounds we suffer in this human life.

As much as I write about including the soul in healing trauma, the key word is “include” which means “involve as a factor.” It doesn’t mean rely on solely! My faith and spiritual beliefs have certainly helped me heal trauma, but they are not enough on their own. I had deep family and relationship issues, traumatic events, and profound grief to deal with. These mental and emotional matters required skilled psychotherapy, and I’m forever grateful to the therapists I’ve worked with over the years. Without their guidance and insight, I would never have made the progress I have!

Soon (literally days) after I was assaulted, a so-called spiritual teacher led me on a guided visualization to a safe space, where she suggested I picture my attacker and offer forgiveness.

I can’t tell you the damage this did. I was young, so of course I put my trust in an older, wiser person. But this was not the time for me to move into forgiveness, delay my rage, and stuff down my hatred. I had been violated and did not feel safe in the world. If I felt rage, I thought “No, this happened for a reason. It will make me stronger.” If I felt unsafe, I thought “No, you need to trust that God will keep you safe.” (Btw, where was God when it happened?) If I felt hatred, I thought “No, I need to forgive.” I thought of myself as spiritual, therefore I had to respond spiritually.

Thankfully, I quickly moved into therapy where my very human feelings were validated. Not just validated, but exhumed, released, and poured out into that safe space. Not only that, but I learned about trauma, trauma responses, PTSD, and that everything I was feeling, or would feel, was a normal response to an abnormal situation. Good therapists teach us about ourselves and the human condition! My healing journey continued with therapy and my only prayer became, “Help me heal.” Later, years later, there was eventually forgiveness, but it was for my own sake, so I could move forward.

Spiritual bypassing can delay deep mental and emotional healing. Unless you work with a skilled therapist to look at your issues head on, spiritual platitudes will only sustain you for so long. According to Gail Andrews, LCSW (@mentallywellish), “Spiritual bypassing is an egoic denial that keeps the trauma pushed down and unattended. When this happens our souls ache and we may even scramble for more spiritual guidance, inspiration and direction. The cycle persists – and the work of the soul is actually denied.”

I don’t know about you, but I can be the queen of avoidance. And I will use spirituality to avoid dealing with issues that confront me. Typical avoidance tools are work, busyness, scrolling, gaming, cleaning, streaming, eating, caring for others – but it’s important to include spiritual bypassing in this list. Are you diving deep into a spiritual or religious practice, only to find yourself empty and hurting when you’re not actively worshipping or praying? This is a clue that you need therapy in conjunction with your practice. Something is remaining unhealed, and to attempt to heal the soul without healing the mind is like wrapping a broken finger without a splint. It will heal, but it could heal straighter and stronger with more effort put into the treatment.

In conjunction with this, there is evidence that spirituality itself can actually have a positive effect on your mental health. Lisa Miller, professor of psychotherapy at Columbia University has done research with brain imaging that recorded how spiritual thoughts effect the brain. The region of our brain that is associated with emotional and sensory processing actually calms when we recall a spiritual experience. What gurus and mystics have always known – quieting the mind, spiritually sitting, praying or meditating – protects our mental health.

I saw a meme recently complaining about people saying “My trauma made me stronger.” Some find this kind of thinking problematic, especially people with CPTSD, victims of childhood abuse. I understand what they mean. It can feel like spiritual bypassing. A better option would be “Healing trauma made me stronger.” It’s not like trauma was a choice. The choice lies in our healing – how we choose to heal, how soon, and how we navigate moving forward. My hope is that we continue to find the overlaps and helpful tools within therapy and spirituality. For me, working these two paths together was necessary in healing trauma – doing one without the other would have delayed my growth, both as a person and as a soul.

Do you have experience with this? What are your thoughts about this topic?

If the Body Keeps the Score, Let the Soul Call the Time-outs

Featured by Victoria McGee, posted in bessel van der kolk, Buddha, childhood abuse, Deepak Chopra, domestic violence, faith, forgiveness, God, grief, healing, meditation, Mindfulness, prayer, PTSD, recovery, self-care, self-compassion, socrates, spirituality, trauma, Triggers

Therapy as a Sacred Act

January 28, 2023 by Victoria McGee, posted in grief, healing, PTSD, self-compassion, spirituality, therapy, trauma, Uncategorized

Image by Benjamin Balazs from Pixabay

“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.” ~ Joseph Campbell

Whatever is sacred to you can move you toward your truest self. It can open you to discover your truest purpose. Entering into a sacred space allows you to stop distracting yourself with the stuff of life, and center on what is important, and what is healing.

I’ve found this to also be true of psychotherapy. A course of therapy with a gifted clinician is an absolutely sacred act. It is intimate. It is soul-baring. It is getting to the raw marrow of your life and learning how it made you, and also what you may become. A good therapist helps you activate your own capacity to heal.

Before I go further into this, please know if you have suffered any abuse while in therapy or with a counselor of any kind, this article will obviously not speak to you. I wish you deep healing from any situation of that sort. I am honoring good therapy and therapists, and hoping that those thinking about going to therapy will be encouraged.

Entering into a sacred state is, to me, what we do when we start a journey into psychotherapy. We come into presence with another entity whose sole purpose is to receive us unconditionally, look at our wounds with compassion, offer tools and comfort for healing, and encourage us to see ourselves as worthy and capable. In many ways, therapy is teaching us to see ourselves as God sees us, and use that vision to effect change.

Therapy, to me, can be likened to a sacred act in these ways: it requires a safe space, trust, ritual, and surrender.

“The soul is the sacred space where my head and heart meet, where God lives.” ~ Brene Brown

A good therapist creates a safe and sacred space where the client feels able to be open and honest. Your stories are safe with your therapist. (They are only required to share information if they determine you are a danger to yourself of someone else.) Stepping into your therapist’s office should feel like stepping into a sanctuary, where you are accepted exactly as you are. This feeling takes time to build between client and healer, but once established, it becomes a space with its own energy and dynamic that exists only between the two of you. Perhaps like your own private relationship with God, this safe space is where you find relief and release.

This safe space is not established without trust. Trust, of course, takes time, and is built by your therapist truly listening, remembering from session to session what you’re working on, and also being clear with boundaries for both of you. There must be a solid foundation of trust for real therapeutic work to take place. One of the ways therapists build trust is with almost a sacred contract, that during your time together they will be reverently dedicated to you and your healing. Like a prayer, you can lay your burdens down and trust you will be supported in your struggle.

“Ritual cuts through and operates on everything besides the ‘head’ level.” ~ Aiden Kelly

Therapy also has a ritual aspect to it that rings of something sacred. The same time, each week, is set apart for the specific activity of healing the self. New things are brought and discussed and discovered, but the time, the space, the people are the same and that sameness also builds the trust and feelings of safety so crucial to the ability to be open and honest with your therapist. Keeping the routine, trying to keep the appointment at the same time and day each week is an important ritual. Ritual helps us relax into the unknown by providing solid ground to rely on.

“There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou

Finally, surrender is crucial, both in therapy and in the realm of the sacred. We know when life brings us to our knees in total surrender, that is where we often find God. We surrender to the process life has in store for us and give our troubles over to be healed, our weary souls to be soothed. So it is in therapy. We surrender the hidden, the unspeakable, the ugliest memories, the darkness. We speak it out loud so it may be heard and healed. By giving it over, and giving it a voice, it becomes manageable. But not until we surrender it into capable hands. Surrender brings relief.

If you’ve worked with a good therapist, I’m sure this resonates with you. If you’ve been thinking about entering therapy, that’s a good sign that you should explore it. And if it helps you to think of it as a sacred act you can do for yourself, to bring yourself closer to a healed vision you’re holding onto, then enter that sanctuary and exhale. Breathe out what you’ve been holding and find healing.

Victoria McGee

1/28/23

Staying Grounded on Shifting Sands

December 28, 2020December 28, 2020 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, grounding, healing, meditation, Mindfulness, PTSD, self-care, trauma, yoga

“There are times we have to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do.” – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Here we are, having survived 2020 (some of us), feeling like we can no longer trust the very ground beneath our feet. We have been faced with a collective trauma, this pandemic, like a low-grade fever we carry around, trying to still do our work and show up for our families and ourselves. But some days we don’t succeed. Some days the shifting sands threaten to swallow us up and we cannot find solid ground.

I’ve thought about this so much lately as friends and family (and I) have navigated so much loss – some large, some small, over the past year. I’m sure most of us feel we have been challenged this year in ways we never thought we’d face in our lifetime. Sara Bareilles put out a song last year called “Orpheus” that seemed to be prescient to this year. Here are some of the lyrics:

“You miss the world
The one you knew
The one where everything made sense
Because you didn’t know the truth
That’s how it works
Till the bottom drops out
And you learn
We’re all just hunters seeking solid ground”

That last line got me. Yes, that’s exactly what we are – hunters seeking solid ground. Solid ground is what we rely on, what we depend on to let us know we are supported and will be okay. How is your ground feeling today?

In yoga and meditation, grounding is an essential part of the practice. Really planting your feet or body firmly on the ground supports us in our practice and transfers into our daily life. One yoga teacher I had called on us to “wick up” energy and support from the earth, like the wick in an oil lamp. Pull the energy up and into ourselves. It’s a beautiful image and a reminder that so much is available to us in terms of support, from above and below.

“To ground is to pour your energies back into the earth and feel the warm calm of nature entering your body in exchange.” – Clint Ober

Practice in grounding really serves us when the ground is ripped out from under our feet by life events. When the sands around us are shifting, being able to return to a place within of steadfastness and trust, we can begin to catch our balance, plant ourselves more firmly and face what is in front of us. No one does this perfectly, few of us remember to ground first, then deal. And that is all okay. Sometimes the grounding after a crisis is equally important, for healing and recovery.

The song “Orpheus” mentions the ground again in a later verse; “If the bottom drops out I hope my love was someone else’s solid ground.” This is also a tremendous thought because yes, hopefully, we have people in our lives whose love is our solid ground. We don’t always have to find it ourselves, and we are often “someone else’s solid ground.” In recent years, and especially this year, I have often been solid ground to others, and I’ve come to know its gifts and its troubles.

My first instinct is always to “be there” for someone I care about who is hurting. Of course, it’s what caring adults do for each other. There is no better feeling than truly being present and holding space for a dear loved one or friend. Even when it’s hard, you know it’s part of the richness that is this life. So, you show up and you care and you pray and you support.

But, when your first instinct is to “be there” for someone, you can often give too much of yourself away. The last time I listened to this song, I realized (again!) it isn’t always appropriate to be solid ground for someone else, or for too many people at one time. We can easily spread ourselves too thin and not show up for people with our whole being. The age-old adage that you really do have to take of yourself first, before you can truly take care of others, is an important truth. But this year, we are in crisis, and we forget, and that’s okay. We move forward, simply practicing self-care as often as we can, and with a pure and tender love for ourselves.

When you need to ground, sit firmly on the ground, or in a chair with your feet firmly planted and your spine straight. Feel the support of the earth, how solid it is, how many eons it has been here, and will be here. Tune in to the energy it offers you, the strength it shares with you, the unchanging support it affords you. Say to yourself:

I am grounded.

My spirit is part of the earth and my roots are deep.

The earth supports me.

The earth centers me.

The earth provides for me.

I am safe.

I am held.

I trust the earth to remain steadfast.

I trust God to show me the way.

May we all find solid ground in the coming year, may we be that solid ground for each other, and may we take good care of ourselves so we can show up when we need to as whole, centered, grounded people.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

12/28/20

Pandemic Coping – Find the Slipstream

November 8, 2020 by Victoria McGee, posted in Covid-19, Dalai Lama, grounding, healing, Maya Angelou, PTSD, self-care, trauma, Uncategorized

“…If you feel ‘burnout’ setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself.” ~ Dalai Lama

As we head into the eighth month of a worldwide pandemic, I’m hearing more and more about “pandemic fatigue.” We are tired of masking, tired of not hugging, tired of not gathering, not going to movies, or theatre, or concerts. We are tired of our television and our phones. We are just plain tired.

Coupled with this feeling are news bytes telling us it will be a long time before we have a vaccine or before we can let our guard (or our masks) down. Dire reports put us fighting this into the end of 2021 if not longer. A vaccine seems our only hope, but of course we need it to be safe, which takes time. So here we are.

When I focus on the statistics, I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. So, I turn to nature, which has survived and evolved and continues to inspire in spite of our human faults and assaults.

Having recently rediscovered camping (the safest way to travel these days), I became enthralled one day watching migrating birds, mostly geese.

I knew geese flew in a “V” formation, and that there is an aerodynamic reason for this, but watching them trade off positions is a brilliant example of teamwork and care of the flock as a whole. This creation of an energy slipstream, a place which doesn’t require as much energy as the lead spot, is also called drafting, and is a factor in bicycle and auto racing.

The birds flying behind the lead bird get a lift force from the lead bird, so they don’t have to work so hard to achieve lift. And when the lead bird is weary, it drops back and another bird, having rested, takes its place. Recent research shows the birds in the slipstream even have a lower heart rate than the lead bird.

“Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.” ~ Maya Angelou

The longer the pandemic drags on, as I see it, the more we must become like the flock of geese. We have to recognize those times we cannot be the strong bird in front because we are drained, if not physically, then mentally or emotionally. We have to know when it’s time to drop back and not work so hard to achieve lift, but leave that to others.

We don’t know how long the pandemic will be here, but we know by now that it’s a marathon, not a sprint. We must pace ourselves if we are to live through this in a way that is remotely sane and healthy. We have to learn to rest and accept help. It is critical to our humanness, and crucial to our humanity.

“But then it occurred to him that any progress he had made on his quest so far he had made by accepting the help that had been offered to him.” ~ Neil Gaiman

Accepting help is not easy for most of us. Asking for help is the hardest, it’s easier if it’s offered. But even then we’re quick to say “Oh no, I’m fine. We’re hanging in there!” Often, we don’t even know what we need, or we feel selfish in the asking. Some of us need a window of time in which no one needs anything from us. Some of us need to feel needed and purposeful. Most of us probably vacillate between the two!

The pandemic has brought me many lessons, among them learning to accept my limitations. It turns out I’m not superwoman, and even though I practice mindfulness meditation, yoga, walking, prayer, and countless other methods of self-care and support, these are trying times, and sometimes it won’t be enough. It’s okay to nap, to sleep more, to check out, to run away, to ask for help – it’s okay to not be the lead bird.

As we move forward, pacing ourselves in our “V” formation, let us recognize and honor all the positions in the flock. Let us recognize when others need to drop back, when they need to catch their breath and rest. Offer help to them, show up and be there mindfully. But if you can’t, that’s okay. There are many birds in the flock – so take your rest, fall back into the slipstream and rest in this flow of life – we work, we rest; we help, we accept help; we lead, we allow. Ultimately, we fly – together.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~ Jack Kornfield

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

11/8/2020

Four Choices We Have Right Now

July 6, 2020 by Victoria McGee, posted in Covid-19, healing, meditation, Mindfulness, prayer, PTSD, Sharon Salzberg, tara brach, trauma, Uncategorized

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“Happiness lies not in finding what is missing, but in finding what is present.” ~ Tara Brach

As we all deal with a global pandemic in our own individual ways, one fundamental seems to bother us the most — a loss of freedom. We are constricted in our work, our play, even within our families and friends there is restriction. Compounding feeling restricted and tight and broken and crazy we are told to wear masks if we have to go out. The masks are also restricting and sometimes tight and add to the claustrophobia burgeoning in our minds. But we wear them – because not wearing them is irresponsible to humanity on a profound level.

So, hopefully, we choose to wear masks. We choose to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. We choose to recognize the tireless work being done by our essential workers and we don’t want this virus to make their lives more difficult, take the lives of those we love, or linger one second longer than it has to.

However, behind this feeling of loss of freedom, the human spirit amazes me in its resilience. Many people are responding to being bound by finding new ways to express, to work, to play, to go beyond, reaching out to help others, even as we feel our hands are tied!

Why do we do this? What causes us to rise? I believe it’s similar to the law of “survival of the fittest,” but in this case, it’s the human spirit that evolves and adapts to crises. The human spirit that sees the chaos we are living in and instead of giving up, rolling into a ball and having a pity party says, how can I help my neighbor? We are inspired by those who have overcome trials before us, and we are inspired by those we see around us choosing to live and be present and helpful to others.

Behind the mask of loss of freedom, we are realizing the choices we DO have.

“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung

Yes, we do have choices within the midst of this pandemic. These are individual, intrinsic choices and are not buffered by outside circumstances. Each morning, as we face another day of sheltering in place, let’s try to realize the choices we do have.

We can choose to be in the present moment. This is a perfect opportunity to learn and practice mindfulness. Yes, we have a lot of time on our hands to dwell on the past, but we know that never makes us feel better. And for maybe the first time in our lives, we are unable to make plans or see too far into the future. So let each day be enough. Let each moment be enough.

“Mindfulness is a pause — the space between stimulus and response: that is where choice lies.” – Tara Brach

As Tara Brach says in this quote, that is where choice lies. Will we react, or will we take the pause, fully realizing what we can and cannot control, and then responding with better awareness? Choosing the present moment relieves the stress of asking questions for which we currently have no answers. Be present with yourself. Be present with someone you care about. Be present with your work. Breathe space into your day.

We can choose self-compassion. We may be feeling less productive right now, overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, angry and hopeless. This is all completely valid and, I dare say, normal under these unique circumstances. We must realize that we are living through unprecedented times in terms of the pandemic, the #blacklivesmatter movement, and the political landscape. The psychic toll on our spiritual, physical, emotional and mental well-being cannot be overstated. People are fighting for their lives, fighting for their livelihoods, and we are all frightened. The universal energy of that is felt on some level by us all.

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life,” ~ Christopher K. Germer

We must learn to practice self-compassion. Give yourself a break. If you spend a day in bed, so be it. Giving yourself breathers is not only good for your mental health, it is a necessary part of surviving this time. Let go of judgment. Let go of your inner critic. Tune in every day to your body and mind and ask it, “What do you need from me today? How can we best serve each other?” Listen and honor what comes up. Choose to nurture yourself.

We can choose to rise. Choosing to rise sounds difficult, and it can be. However, if you’ve ever overcome trauma in your life, you have already done this. You’ve taken the trauma and decided that it will not define you and it will not hold you down. You rose above the grief, the loss, the PTSD, the abuse, the despair, to become better and stronger. Or perhaps you are on that path now and even though it feels daunting, something keeps pulling you up that mountain.

“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Each day, let us have the courage to choose to rise. We have the ability within us to rise above our outer circumstances, to find the coping mechanisms we need to get through this, and we have the resilience to not only get through this, but grow through this. Believe in your ability to rise. Look to the people throughout history who have done so, and join that choir. Rise. Rise above.

“Just like moons and like suns with the certainty of tides, just like hopes springing high, still I’ll rise.” ~ Maya Angelou

We can choose to be of service. Nothing will get you out of your own head bust you out of self-pity like helping others. You don’t have to risk getting sick by leaving your house; reach out to people you know. Drop a card, give a phone call, or a text or email. Check-in with people, especially those who are alone. Sew masks if you can, deliver a meal to some essential workers, get groceries for your neighbor. There is something we all can do, and it beautifully adds to the energy of community and lessens the energy of divisiveness.

“Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.” ~ Howard Zinn

We know we are living through a time of profound change on the planet because we are living through a collective trauma. Nothing brings about radical change like trauma. No country or people have been untouched by this pandemic. It is causing trauma on a personal, societal, and global level. But have hope. Look at your own life. Didn’t trauma bring about the highest understandings and the deepest shifts? But not without choice. Not without choosing to take the trauma and transmute it into something useful, something better.

We are all alchemists right now. Let’s see what we can do, what choices we can make, to help humanity rise and survive.

“We are whole: our deepest happiness is intrinsic to the nature of our minds, and it is not damaged through uncertainty and change.” ~ Sharon Salzberg

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

July 6, 2020

Covid-19 and Collective Trauma

March 20, 2020March 20, 2020 by Victoria McGee, posted in Anne Lamott, Covid-19, elie wiesel, God, grounding, healing, meditation, Mindfulness, Pema Chodron, prayer, PTSD, rape, recovery, spirituality, trauma, Uncategorized

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“The paradox of trauma is that it has both the power to destroy and the power to transform and resurrect.” – Peter A. Levine

Lately, I’ve been conscious of trauma as it applies to society. Due to the outbreak of Covid-19, the world is currently in a state of collective trauma. Collective trauma refers to the psychological reactions to a traumatic event that can affect an entire society. For most of us, our daily way of life has drastically changed in the last few weeks. Freedoms and income have been reduced, and we are in a constant low-grade state of fear.

When a society experiences a collective trauma, such as 9/11, mass shootings, natural disasters, etc., our routines and relationships, those things that anchor us to our society are disrupted in such a way that it can leave us struggling to reclaim the purpose of our lives. In some ways, this can lead to a positive re-prioritizing of what is truly important. In other ways, it can leave us grasping for meaning and feeling hopeless.

For those of us already dealing with PTSD, this collective trauma can trigger other traumas to rise to the surface. We may find we are having trouble sleeping, nightmares, generalized anxiety, or hyper-vigilance may be rearing their heads again. Others may find they are having a surprisingly calm reaction to all this, as being in a trauma state is not strange to us, and we feel able to function in this state better than others.

Traumatic events can trigger past traumas, and who among us has not experienced some level of trauma? So we as a society have this huge collective trauma and our own historical traumas slamming us all at once. It’s a lot to deal with and process! And we’re confined either with partners, family, friends, or alone. Being alone can be most challenging as there is no distraction from your own thoughts.

If you’ve been feeling some of this, the dis-ease that has been engendered by this disease, there are practices you can undertake to ease the trauma response. We must regularly engage in self-care, find comfort in spiritual practice, stay connected to our tribe, and begin to reframe our relationship to historical trauma.

“Radical self-care is what we’ve been longing for, desperate for, our entire lives – friendship with our own hearts.” ~ Anne Lamott

Self-care is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Stay centered and grounded as much as you can in whatever way works for you. Exercise, yoga, meditation, bubble baths, reading, and creative expression will connect you to your center. We cannot face this event coming from a place of scattered emotions and thoughts. Limit your news to a single check-in every day to keep from going down the black hole of information saturation. Go outside and find a place to connect to nature. None of these things cost money and can help you find some balance amidst the chaos.

If you have a spiritual practice, there is no better time to enhance and build upon it. Read, study, pray, and fill your soul with comfort, fill your mind with faith. Read the inspired words of those who have overcome darkness. Viktor Frankl, Elie Wiesel, and Mother Teresa, for example, are inspiring in their ability to hold onto faith in the midst of great suffering. Turn to your spiritual practice at this time to help you hold onto your faith, and to get a glimpse of the big picture. The world has survived many traumas and will survive this one as well.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor E. Frankl

In these times, we must find a way to stay connected to our tribe. Facetime, Zoom, Marco Polo, social media and good old fashioned phone calls are our life-lines now. Resist the urge to isolate, to avoid the changes we’re all adjusting to, and reach out. Write letters, send cards, connect with people you’ve been meaning to re-connect with. You have time, and everyone needs to hear from the people they treasure.

Lastly, start to reframe your relationship to historical trauma. If we are here, we have survived trauma, personal, ancestral, historical, and collective. This means we are resilient and we have developed coping skills that not everyone has. We know how to self-calm, self-care, rise above, forgive, and even help others. Build on the resilience you’ve developed thus far! We are strong, flexible, wise souls and our energies are needed in this crisis.

“We can make ourselves miserable or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same.” – Pema Chodron

We are in a state of collective trauma. So let us attempt to join in collective healing, first by taking good care of ourselves, then by contributing to healing the energy of the planet. We all need the energies of compassion, positivity, balance, and calm right now. Let’s practice this in our daily lives and see what healers we are.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

3/20/2020

Why We Sometimes Hold Onto Trauma

February 17, 2020July 10, 2020 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, forgiveness, God, healing, Pema Chodron, PTSD, rape, recovery, spirituality, Thich Nhat Hanh, trauma, Uncategorized

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“The sooner we heal our traumas, the sooner we liberate ourselves from the people who hurt us. By hating them, we hold onto them. We cannot heal.” – Vironika Tugaleva

As I have studied, learned and written about healing trauma, I find I’m guilty of assuming that if you have been through trauma, you must want to heal. I forget that some souls perhaps don’t want to look at it, deal with it, or get better; at least, not now. I forget it until I’m face to face with such a person and I realize they are still holding onto a trauma from long ago – sometimes decades ago.

I used to wonder “What are they getting out of it? What’s the payoff?” Which sounds cold when you’re talking about a trauma survivor. But this is the thought I jump to when I see someone not making progress years after trauma. In reality, it’s far more complicated than my question, and of course, the reasons are as individual as we are. So in digging a little deeper, I found the reasons for holding onto trauma fall into three large categories (with many sub-categories).

The thought processes are basically the following:

Moving past trauma lets the person who caused it off the hook.

Moving past trauma means I can no longer be let off the hook.

Moving past trauma means I will have figure out who I am if I’m not suffering.

These are not light issues, not light thoughts. They are huge and overwhelming and no wonder people are often reluctant to confront these feelings! Let’s dive deeper.

“Moving past trauma lets the person who caused it off the hook.” This thought is often accompanied by other, related thoughts. If I forgive, then they’ll think they didn’t really hurt me. If I move past this and become stronger and more resilient, they’ll think their actions had no effect on me. If I forgive them, I’m weak.

The reality check to this thinking is part logic, part spirit. Logically, we have no idea what another person thinks of us, even they treat us poorly it’s more about them than what they think about us. And when we second-guess others’ thoughts and motivations, we give them even more power over us, thereby remaining stuck in the past. Spiritually, forgiving and moving on is something we do for ourselves, not for them. The longer we hold onto anger and withhold forgiveness, the longer we are in a state of inertia that we perpetuate. We don’t let anyone off the hook by moving past trauma – we break the chains that are keeping us in a dark place, so we can begin to climb to the light.

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” ~ Marianne Williamson

“Moving past trauma means I can no longer be let off the hook.” This second reason people might hold onto trauma is pretty insidious. Sadly, some of us find that in sharing our trauma we are seen as a victim, and people around us can start to let us off the hook. If we have certain unmet needs inside us, this can feel pretty good. It also gives us valid reasons for not fully dealing with people and situations in our life. We can start to use it as a way to avoid life, people, and in the worst cases, work and responsibility. I think all of us who have gone through trauma have been through phases of this. With therapy and hard work, we usually get past it.

The reality check to this thinking is realizing that again, you’re giving the trauma and whoever you associate with it, the power to keep you from fully engaging in life. Every time we use it as a way to avoid life, we empower the trauma, not ourselves. I’m not talking about the times we need to practice PTSD self-care and carve out safe, quiet time. If we’re honest with ourselves, we know the difference between self-care and avoidance. And if we’ve really gone down a dark path and avoid work and responsibilities, it will undoubtedly cause people who care for us to have to pick up the slack or bail us out. It’s so important to take an honest look at how our healing impacts others, usually our family. If we have avoided therapy, or are playing on being a victim, not a survivor, we are denying our full and beautiful light from coming forth. Our inner wells of strength and faith are deep, so turn this fear over to God so we can truly conquer trauma, and not live it again every day.

“We can make ourselves miserable or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same.” ~ Pema Chodron

“Moving past trauma means I will have to figure out who I am if I’m not suffering.” This thought manifests as many different thoughts that allow the trauma to define you. I’m a person who was profoundly hurt. Trauma is my identity, therefore in my pain I feel safe. We naturally do identify with being a victim of trauma initially. This should fade and assume a back-burner position in a healthy identity as we heal.

If it doesn’t, as a therapist I once knew said, “It doesn’t feel good, but it feels familiar.” We know how to play that part, so we play it because it’s comfortable, it’s easier, and we’re tired. But the danger, the reality check in this thinking, is that you’re once again giving your power to the trauma, not the recovery. You’re living a role, an identity, that was forced on you, not one you’ve chosen for yourself. Your true spirit, your true nature is on that back-burner. Invite it to come forward, try to open yourself to what the Universe has for you next. When you put a foot on this path of letting that old identity go, new possibilities will unfold!

Healing trauma is rich, unrelenting, exhausting, and rewarding. There are so many modalities now to deal with PTSD – therapy, EMDR, tapping, and of course, I believe, taking God with you every step of the way can only enhance your experience and restore your faith more quickly. So who could you become as you move past trauma?

We can only know when we begin to climb out of the quicksand. Staying stuck can only pull us down into depression, health issues, addictions and more. Healing is the process of getting un-stuck, of creating movement, of creating energy to move, of letting go.

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

What Does God Think of You?

May 6, 2019 by Victoria McGee, posted in compassion, eckhart tolle, Hafiz, healing, Maya Angelou, Plato, PTSD, spirituality, trauma, Uncategorized

“Be kinder than necessary. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Plato

This often-quoted statement from Plato is such a wonderful reminder to us to try to be kind, always. It’s so true – if you scratch the surface of anyone you meet, you will find wounds and hurts. Some of us have deep battle scars that make us lash out at others or not behave as our highest self.

So compassion is key. None of us truly know the history or inner workings of anyone else. Not even loved ones we have spent decades with. We might know them well, but we can’t know how their deepest scars might affect their daily life. Compassion is key. We may not understand why someone is behaving a certain way or made choices we find confusing or even hurtful. But if we can remember that they have inner wounds and battles that are causing them to make these choices, we can find compassion.

It is sometimes (often) challenging to find compassion for others, especially people we don’t truly know. Our own loved ones are easier to have empathy for, as we have a better understanding of their battles. So it’s curious that we often have trouble finding compassion for ourselves.

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.” ~ Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou hit the nail on the head. If we can overcome how we think about ourselves, we can soar! Our own self-condemnation, judgment, and doubt often obscure our ability to love ourselves. If we can truly overcome how we think about ourselves, we can find a freedom and sense of security in the world.

I’ve done a lot of work in my life in the field of self-esteem. I’ve worked on it for myself and with countless students as a counselor. Low self-esteem is a core issue for many, many people, formed often in childhood, reinforced by life events, and carried around inside us like a little alien, ready to pop out and ruin our day at the slightest whim! And we know, deep down, that it IS an alien – it doesn’t belong. Because we are beings of Light, children of God, purveyors of Love! That is our truth, but our thoughts, our ego mind, block our true vision.

“I found that there is only one thing that heals every problem and that is: to know how to love yourself.” ~ Louise Hay

Learning to love yourself and be compassionate toward yourself, and your great lumbering, mistake-filled life, is an ongoing process. A life-long process! But something I have found helpful is to try to see myself as God sees me. I try to imagine what God must think of me.

This could be scary to contemplate but think of it this way. If God is the Beloved, the Divine Spark, the profound Love of the Universe, God cannot help but see me with compassion and understanding and forgiveness. God, in this sense, truly is a parental presence.

If you have children you know this well. No matter what your children do as they grow, even as adults, you see that they are still learning and most often doing the best they can. Even when they make mistakes we continue to love them and help them right their sail again. We have compassion for them so easily because our heart is full of so much love for them and it is constant.

So it is with God. God’s love is so all-encompassing that compassion, understanding, and forgiveness are the natural state of God’s relationship to us. And if God is IN us and we are, indeed, God, or OF God, then that profound love for ourselves is available at all times, if we but ask.

“If you saw you as God sees you, you would smile a lot.” ~ Neale Donald Walsch

You have survived trauma in your life, you are healing, you are hurt, you make mistakes, you do things right, you seek help, you avoid help, you try to help others, you are sometimes selfish, you give too much love, you withhold love. You are human.

Now imagine this: God and all of your angels and guardians are amazed that you would choose to learn these lessons so profoundly and so deeply in this life. They are stunned by your courage. They wrap you in compassion nightly, hoping to heal you with enough light to carry you through the next day. God holds you constantly in the heart of Love, amazed at your determination to heal and give compassion to others. You are an astonishment!

So today, practice giving this compassion to yourself. Love yourself. Honor your growth. What does God think of you? God thinks you are a tender, growing soul, deserving of Good, fighting hard battles, and trying to grasp the extreme profundity of Love. Rest in that.

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” ~ Hafiz

You Are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

May 6, 2019

CONSTANTLY TURNING TOWARD GOD

January 19, 2019January 18, 2019 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, God, healing, Mahatma Gandhi, Marianne Williamson, meditation, prayer, PTSD, spirituality, trauma, Uncategorized

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“Prayer is the key of the morning and the bolt of the evening.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I love this quote from Gandhi, reminding us to open the day in prayer, and close it in prayer as well. This is something to take to heart, as it can guide the time in between rising and bedtime. But what happens in between? If you’re like me, I wander far from the path, I forget to pray and turn my mind, heart and thoughts to God. I enter the realm of business and worry. You too?

I was struck by this thought a couple of months ago. That I need to be constantly turning toward God. And yet daily, I catch myself trying to figure out a problem, worrying about a family member or friend’s health, making plans for the future, having regrets about the past, busying my mind with everything except the Divine. And I believe my ego mind wants it this way. The more it keeps me in a trance of fixing, judging and doing, the less likely I am to turn to God.

“God is the water, and you are the faucet.” ~ Marianne Williamson

When we naturally and instantaneously turn to God is when something literally “brings us to our knees.” A sudden death, illness or trauma shakes us to the core and we automatically ask God to come in, to comfort us, to bring healing to the situation. And we feel God then don’t we? We feel the comfort, the envelopment of God’s love that helps us raise our heads again and move forward. It is truly beautiful, even in the midst of a horrible moment.

For survivors of trauma, you would think turning toward God and calling on God every moment of every day would be like breathing. We must have it or we die. But we are MASTERS of distraction! I noticed this in my life so clearly. When a trauma occurs, I fall to my knees, I bring God in, I pray without ceasing. But as days go by it becomes clear I can’t drop out of life (like I want to). I have to continue with jobs and groceries and living, so I developed the marvelous coping skill of distraction. I dare say that in most of us, this skill is over-developed!

And we need to forgive ourselves for bending toward distraction. How else can we sleep at night, when our mind, left unchecked, will play reruns of our trauma on a loop? How else can we check out at the grocery store when a magazine headline has triggered us and we suddenly want to cry? How else can we make small talk when such shallow actions make us want to scream? We distract ourselves with activities, thoughts, plans and MAKE our minds think of something else. It’s a survival skill, but at what cost?

“Meditation goes in. Prayer goes out. But they both aim for the same place of union between you and the Divine.” ~ Lisa Jones

Hopefully, eventually, we learn to distract our minds with God again. We learn that these thoughts are not just a distraction, but they are a point of focus that can heal us. We learn that we can place ourselves in the light by simply turning toward God. Like all good habits, it takes practice and vigilance. But beyond that, it takes a deep knowing that this IS what will save you. God’s light. God’s love. God’s grace. Meditate on it and feel it within. Pray to God and send it out. Then rest in the knowledge that within and without are the same place. And that place is God.

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” ~ Aristotle

We move forward in life, our little wounded selves rallying every day to see what can happen, what good we can do, what love we can share. We truly are so brave. Let us try every day to keep turning toward God. Constantly. For that is where we will find peace. That is where we will find light. Find a mantra, a verse, a quote, anything that will take you out of your busy monkey mind and bring you back to God. For a moment. And then another. And then another.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything.” ~ Philippians 4:6

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

January 18, 2019

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