PTSD – Page 6 – Victoria McGee, M.A.

UNDERSTANDING THE INCONCEIVABLE – LIVING WITH A TRAUMA SURVIVOR

October 2, 2015April 20, 2022 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, PTSD, recovery, self-improvement, spirituality, trauma

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers

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Wonderful Mr. Rogers. I never appreciated him and the depth of his wisdom until I became an adult. And he’s so right. We must find the people we trust with that important talk.

For trauma survivors, we are often directed immediately following the trauma to counselors and therapists who are trained to help us deal with the trauma and find a way to move on with our lives.

But what about our family and friends? The people we love and live with. They are not always included in trauma treatment, but their intimate knowledge of us makes them an important tool in our healing. How can they support us in a way that is helpful, balanced and healthy?

If you live with a trauma survivor, you know there are ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Joyful days and self-destructive days. Trauma survivors, especially initially, are likely to experience flashbacks, have irrational reactions to certain places, feelings, smells or sounds, and have nightmares or trouble sleeping. Their moods may be unpredictable. They may push you away one moment, and demand your presence the next. They may become hyper-aware and anxious, or choose to numb that feeling with alcohol or drugs. I know because I have done all of these things. And when the people you live with ask you what’s up, sometimes we find it difficult to explain.

You see, we are on a path with no map. No one has ever walked this exact path before. People have walked similar paths, but our path is so personal it lives in the deepest part of ourselves. To share or explain it is often impossible as there are no words. We can feel the process, but cannot express it.

The path is similar to a board game. We are on the path, rolling the dice, moving forward, everything is going along as it “should” and then the boogey-man jumps out from a bush and we go back 3 moves. We can’t control what makes the boogey-man appear. And neither can those who love us. As much as they may want to.

But know this. As time passes and healing happens, the boogey-man doesn’t send us back as far. The day will come when he doesn’t affect our progress at all.

But until then, what can our loved ones do?

Be there for us. If we push you away, don’t take it personally. If we need you too much, set some boundaries. Work with us to find balance.
Listen if we want to talk about it. (If you think it’s uncomfortable to listen to what happened to us, think what it was like to go through it.)
If we don’t want to talk about it, don’t try to force us. We will talk about it and need to talk about it, and it may not be with you. And again, don’t take it personally.
Honor our progress. If you see us overcome a fear or get past something, please recognize it. We need to hear that.
Don’t ignore self-destructive choices. Gently call attention to it and encourage us to find healthier paths.
Pray for our healing. When you’re feeling helpless about how to help, just pray. Prayer is action.
Pray for our relationship to grow with this and become stronger and healthier.

All people want to know they are not alone in their struggle. All people want to be beloved and cherished. Let us all join hands and walk each other home in love and compassion.

“Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness, the discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” ~ Anne Lamott

You Are Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

What If I’m Not Strong Enough?

September 13, 2015September 13, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, PTSD, recovery, self-improvement, spirituality, trauma

“God is the strength in which I trust.”

A Course in Miracles

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.”

Psalm 46:1

Living with PTSD, surviving trauma, and healing those wounds requires great strength. At some point, we all ask ourselves this question: What if I’m not strong enough?

Initially, we are probably not strong enough. Anyone who has been through trauma knows what shock feels like. It is a strange limbo-land of disassociation. Thank God for it, however. Without it we would jump a very fast train to mental illness.

But when the shock wears off, we are left to our own devices. Those of us who report rape, or are involved in tragedies, or acts of war are led to seek help by caregivers, counselors, social workers, or perhaps chaplains. These people start us on a path of healing we would have trouble navigating on our own.

For those who don’t experience this initial helping hand, who keep their trauma locked up or don’t have access to tell their story, the path is longer and more difficult, but still is possible. Because “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phillipians 4:13)

Again, in this blog, I hope you take any reference to God or Christ or Buddha and make it personal for yourself and your beliefs. At the core is the belief that a spiritual faith of some kind will lead you to an enduring healing from trauma. The implicit gift in this, is that an established faith gives you an all-access pass to healing, 24-7.

In my last blog I talked about acceptance. I shared that I was afraid to accept that this trauma had happened. I had been raped and now I had to learn how to heal. I was also afraid to do what it would take to heal. What if I wasn’t strong enough?

At first, I wasn’t strong enough. In fact, I felt weaker and more vulnerable than ever before in my life. Thankfully, that feeling grew tiresome. As I’ve shared before, I realized I was giving the rapist more power, more parts of myself by not sleeping, by shrinking, by being afraid.

That pissed me off, thank God! And I went through a period of rage and anger that at least ignited my will to be happy and successful in spite of what I had been through.

But we can’t live in a state of anger. And peace of mind achieved through anger is short-lived at best. Anger can make you feel strong, but it isn’t real strength.

Real strength came from God. Real strength came from turning my fear and anger over to the Holy Spirit to be alchemized into a strength through peace of mind that I hadn’t previously experienced. Ever.

The best news was that I didn’t have to be strong enough to heal from this. God was strong enough. When I felt it was too hard, I turned to God. How many times, you may ask? I’ll let you know when I’m done. And that’s not an exhausting statement, but a comforting one. To know I don’t have to rely on my own strength is the most relaxing thought in the universe, if we believe it. We get so caught up in the doingness of life that we think our own strength is all we have and all we need. No wonder we are often weary.

When you turn to God and ask for help, your doubts, fears and anger will be alchemized into the strength you need. I’m fascinated with the idea of alchemy. In the Middle Ages and Renaissance it was a forerunner of chemistry, as scientists tried to meld metals into valuable creations. It is also now defined as “a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination.”

This is what God does, if we will turn to God for strength. Alchemize our fear into strength. Transform our anger into strength. Create strength within us that surprises and delights us.

Only then can we take that strength, real strength, out into the world to serve others. Real strength comes from love and creates more love.

“Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart.”

~Rumi

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

9/13/2015

The Power of Acceptance

August 30, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, PTSD, spirituality, trauma, Uncategorized

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~ Viktor Frankl

This quote applies to so many of us who deal with PTSD. Whether your trauma is from war, physical attack, abuse or any of the numerous situations humans go through, we often feel helpless in the face of our darkness.

Viktor Frankl, concentration camp survivor, knows this all too well. It’s difficult to think of a situation more helpless than being in a concentration camp. Any person who is held against their will and subjected to horrific losses of human dignity has suffered beyond that which we can fathom. And how astounding is the human spirit that comes to realize in that instance, the only power we have is within our own mind.

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You may be thinking, “Wait, I’m the victim here. Why should I have to change? Why should I be the one who has to do all this work? It isn’t fair.”

You are 100% correct. It isn’t fair. It is what it is. The trauma happened. We didn’t have a choice in that. But we have choices from this point forward. We can choose to spend our time thinking about how unfair it all is. We absolutely have that option.

Or we can set about accepting what has happened, and move forward in our healing.

But acceptance can sometimes be the place we get stuck. The muddy quicksand our mind will not move from. Why is acceptance so difficult?

Sometimes, it’s simply that accepting what happened makes it real. Once you truly, (and really, and awfully) accept that this trauma happened to you, it can be terribly frightening. It leads to thoughts about the world not being a safe place for you. It leads to thoughts about how to make certain this never happens again. It leads to thoughts about how you have no control or power in your life.

That is huge.

No wonder we are reluctant to accept. There’s fear beyond that. However, notice all of those fears are thoughts. And thoughts can be changed. This is where healing begins.

I went through this struggle with acceptance. When you’ve had a fairly “normal” American upbringing (meaning no major horrors, abuse or neglect), it’s difficult to believe you’ve been assaulted. Each morning, I would wake up and wonder if it actually happened. Each morning it was my first thought. I went over it again and again. I wanted to go back in time, to lock my patio door securely, to do whatever I needed to do to make it un-happen. I was so afraid to accept that it had happened. I was also afraid to do what it would take to heal. What if I wasn’t strong enough? I turned to God again and again for that strength.

There is such lovely and simple wisdom in the Serenity prayer. It should be a PTSD mantra:

“God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The courage to change the things I can – this starts with our own thoughts. Our thoughts often require a warrior chant to beat them down. But we know, through practice and now science as well, that our thoughts are entirely our own choosing.

And this, my friends, is where we start to reclaim our selves.

This is often quoted, but always bears hearing again:

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

There is nothing my holiness cannot do.

~A Course in Miracles

Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

August 30, 2015

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PTSD – The Gift That Keeps on Giving

August 23, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

“We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. You always have the choice.” – Dalai Lama

PTSD is indeed the gift that keeps on giving. For most of us who have experienced deep trauma, we will deal with it on some level for the rest of our lives. When I shared that recently with a young Iraqi war veteran, he was dismayed. He wanted to know how to make it go away for good. I encouraged him to focus on the new truths he now carries with him; the sanctity of life, the futileness of war, the oneness of all people. I counseled him to go out and help others. It is the most unselfish way to selfishly heal. And I urged him to fight the gnawing drive to isolate. And I told him it will get better, so much better. But it will never be gone, and that’s okay.

There are different types of PTSD, some short-lived, some chronic and persistent. Whatever type of PTSD you may be dealing with, there are genuine gifts within it, if you choose to focus on them. And realize you could not have acquired these gifts any other way.

I may have mentioned in a previous post that I now consider PTSD and my circumstances a gift. This quote from Alex Elle is so true! “I am thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.”

Each person will draw different lessons and gifts from PTSD. Here are just of few of mine.

I learned that I have a strength in me that cannot be undone.
I learned that my faith will truly support me through the unthinkable.
I learned that I had a mission to help young women discover their strength and empower them.
I learned to be more compassionate and tolerant of others because most people are struggling with something at any given point in life.
I learned that forgiveness sets us free.
I learned that healing is a perpetual circle of giving and receiving. I have received the most healing when in the act of healing others.

But what if you’re not there yet? What if all you see now is the terror, the ugliness, and the lack of humanity that led to your trauma? Please know that you will reach this point of recognition, if you take the path of light, not darkness. (By darkness I mean drugs, alcohol, despair, etc.)

Those of us who have walked the path can assure you that these steps will get you there.

Keep going. One Day At A Time. Every day get up and try. Focus on what is good around you. Pray for yourself. Pray for others. Make one person’s day better. Soon a month will have passed, then a year, and you will be better.

Turn to your faith. Whatever you call the Divine, keep It close. Put affirmations on your bathroom mirror, in your car, wherever you need it. Turn to God hourly, or as often as you can throughout the day. Healing will hurry to you.

Get help. Go to a therapist who specializes in trauma. If you can’t afford it, seek help in your community. There are always free services for trauma victims. God will mend your soul, but your mind needs therapy. It will work in tandem with your spiritual healing to smooth your traumatic thoughts.

Take good care of yourself. Spend quality time with yourself, your friends, and your family. Make a list of the things that bring you joy and start doing them again. Feed yourself happiness.

Help others. Find places you can be of service. Feed the homeless, teach a class, volunteer to help the environment, etc. Anything you do in this regard takes you out of your drama and helps you remember your ability to contribute in a positive way to the human race.

Of all of these steps, aside from turning to my faith, helping others was most healing for me. When I’m helping others (for me this is teaching), I’m completely absorbed by the needs of my students and I know at the end of the day that I’ve truly helped and hopefully made a difference.

Re-claiming your value as a positive power on Earth is the key to your healing. It’s what will ultimately lead you to recognizing the gifts of your PTSD.

I put this quote on my email signature because it is the most important thing for us all to remember every day. It’s credited to J.M. Barrie.

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

Be at peace, dear friends and know that you are loved beyond our capacity to comprehend.

You are Still Beloved…

Victoria McGee

8/23/2015

The F word that matters – Forgiveness

August 19, 2015November 5, 2019 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, spirituality

“Forgiveness… undoes what fear has produced, returning the mind to the awareness of God.” A Course in Miracles

How can I forgive? How can you? How do we ~ as spiritual beings having a human experience ~ see past the chaos and horror in this world? How do we begin to forgive the darkness, and have hope again?

Forgiveness is as necessary and intrinsic to healing from trauma as physical therapy is to healing an injury. It needs to be done daily, and in a manner that doesn’t hurt you, but stretches you. Forgiveness also doesn’t need to be rushed. When it is time, you feel it. And when you forgive, you will feel lighter.

Forgiveness is the skeleton key that unlocks the shackles of fear and rage we carry.

I have forgiven the person who raped me. I didn’t do it soon after, and I didn’t do it all at once. And I never forgave him to his face. That wasn’t necessary. He didn’t need my forgiveness. I needed to forgive him in order to move on with my life.

I went to a counselor soon after I was attacked, and she led me on a beautiful journey in my mind to a safe place, where I could confront my attacker and then offer forgiveness. This was horribly misguided as it had only been a few days since it happened. I was still in a state of shock, disbelief and confusion. It did nothing to help me feel better and start healing because it was too soon. I had to back up about a month later, dredge it all up again, and let the rage happen.

Then I could start healing and forgive.

Whatever trauma you’ve been through, understand that if you’ve been victimized in any way, you will have gurgling pots of rage to slog through. If you don’t spend some time there, it will show up on your doorstep wearing a very ugly mask when you least expect it. Don’t get stuck in the anger, but allow yourself to feel it fully so you can get past it.

Forgiveness is a process, as is all of healing. Do as much as you can, when you can. And know that is all you need to do. Forgiving isn’t easy. It takes courage and faith of a rare kind. And when you’re ready, Spirit will surround you, lift you up, and imbue you with everything you need.

Nothing is as inspiring to me as stories of great forgiveness. The woman who forgave the young man who murdered her son, and is now his advocate and mentor. The young woman who forgave her father for molesting her, seeing him for who he was and knowing that not forgiving would keep them both in chains. The people of the Emanuel African Methodist Church in Charleston who spoke out about forgiving the shooter at their church so “hate won’t win.” Concentration camp survivor Eva Kor, who calls herself a “radical human being” has met with and forgiven former Nazis from Auschwitz. She stated, “It is an act of self-healing, self-liberation and self-empowerment.” Amen sister.

So how do we get to forgiveness? Not by yourself. Ask God for help. And ask again. And when you think you’re done, ask again. You’ll know when the wound is completely healed. And your immense bravery will astonish those who know you!

One of my favorite quotes is by Mark Twain. He said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” This thought is so profound to me. Yes, we have been crushed, but in offering forgiveness, our essence remains and rises above – beautiful and victorious.

“…all forgiveness is a gift to yourself.” ~A Course in Miracles

Victoria McGee

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All Together Now – Why Me?

August 8, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, healing, spirituality

Anyone who has experienced a trauma, suffered injury, or been a victim of attack has asked the question; “Why me?”

As we struggle in the aftermath to make sense of what has happened, we find ourselves questioning everything. Why did this happen to me? Why now? And the big one: Why did God allow this to happen?

Now this gets into some heavy-duty spiritual semantics. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I use the word God to mean what I perceive as the energy of Love in the universe. You can call it the Divine, Yahweh, Buddha, whatever works for you.

A Course in Miracles states that which is not of Love is not of God. This makes sense to me. It lets God off the hook in “allowing” horrible things to happen. At some point, we have to accept the fact that sometimes horrible things simply happen. And we need to fill our hearts with the knowledge that God was right there with you.

And perhaps God is just as shocked and dismayed as we are.

It boils down to this question. Can we accept that there is randomness in the universe?

In his wonderful book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold Kushner comments on this randomness and chaos we are subjected to.

“…In that case, we will simply have to learn to live with it, sustained and comforted by the knowledge that the earthquake and the accident, like the murder and robbery, are not the will of God, but represent that aspect of reality which stands independent of His will, and which angers and saddens God even as it angers and saddens us.”

So there is randomness that occurs outside the will of God? That is one of the most comforting thoughts I’ve come across.

I became a student of A Course in Miracles soon after I was raped. I struggled with these questions daily. As I quoted from this book in my last blog, “There is no time, no place, no state where God is absent. There is nothing to be feared.” I knew somehow there was truth to this, but I was constantly afraid. And I felt I knew places where God was not.

But I also knew I had called on God immediately to be with me, to sustain me, and if I was not to survive this, to comfort those left behind. And I felt the Love of God in that moment, and in the months and years to follow.

So what is God’s will? I used to think everything was pre-ordained and the things that happen to us are all God’s will. Not any more.

I do think we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I’ve come to think of God’s will as a poker game. In life we are dealt certain hands. Sometimes it’s God’s will, sometimes it isn’t. How we play our hand is what counts.

Do we fold (pack it in, give up)?

Do we stand (stuck in the bitterness of what happened)?

Do we draw (on the compassion of God and those around us) and see what the next hand will hold?

Your healing path may involve folding or standing at times. But if you don’t eventually draw, you can’t open to the possibilities of joy in the future.

Why me?

Why not me?

Why anyone?

We don’t know, but let’s hold hands, keep our face turned toward the Divine, and get through it together.

“Love, which created me, is what I am.”

-A Course in Miracles

Victoria McGee

August 8, 2015

The F Word – Fear

July 30, 2015July 29, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in healing, spirituality

“When you are afraid, be still and know that God is real, and you are His beloved Son, in whom He is well pleased.” – A Course in Miracles

Let’s talk about FEAR. The F word that keeps on giving. For trauma survivors, fear becomes a shadow that follows you around all the time. You now know that bad things do happen to good people, that the boogeyman can be real, that your life can change in an instant, or that someone you know is not who you thought they were. You lose trust in your fellow man, and you lose trust in your own instincts and intuition. You sometimes lose faith and trust in God.

Fear can manifest and immobilize you in many ways. Most often it manifests as nightmares and sleepless nights. And if you tell your doctor about it, they’re more than happy to give you a “sleep aid.” There are situations where that might be appropriate, especially since trauma counselors tell us to get back to our routine as soon as we can, and it’s hard to show up for work on two hours of sleep. But I remember hating to take anything that would make me sleepy. I felt I had to be awake and alert, in case someone tried to break in again. But after weeks of sleep loss, regaining a feeling of safety became a priority, and an urgent necessity.

It’s important to always, always remember, that although you didn’t have a choice in what happened to you, you do have a choice in how you recover.

Here again, anger was my friend. I finally got so angry at the attacker and this event that was robbing me of my life, that I decided to stop giving it so much power.

Fear can break you if you give it power. The Divine can take away the fear if you give it over.

Handling the fear, overcoming it, and moving on with your life will be one of the most courageous things you will ever do. And every time you take a step forward, the angels celebrate!

It can be so difficult. Triggers are everywhere: sights, smells, places, news reports, noises, just… people. When you’re triggered, or your thoughts wander to your trauma and you feel the anxiety bubbling up, try these things:

Take a breath, and look around you. Make sure both feet are on the floor and take a minute to ground yourself. Notice that you are safe in this moment.
Ask God to be with you. Whatever that means to you. Some people imagine Jesus standing beside them. For others, it’s a Divine infusion you feel in your body. Call on your angels. You will feel calmer instantly.
Express gratitude. Take a moment to be thankful that you are safe, that you have survived, and recognize that you are never alone.

As a survivor, my path of healing has been a long, circuitous path. I have gathered many gifts along the way, one of which was strengthening my relationship with God to lessen my fears and get to forgiveness. For me, the spiritual part of this journey was most important and through it I made the greatest leaps in healing.

You will have bad days, but you will also have good days. You will have days of rage and days of joy. You will have days of hatred and days of forgiveness. And as time passes, the good days will outweigh the bad. Turning to God, in whatever form you believe, will be like a soothing balm on your burning thoughts. It will breathe fresh oxygen into you when you feel you are suffocating on something stagnant. God will heal you.

This verse from A Course in Miracles was probably one of the most helpful mantras for me as I healed.

“There is no time, no place, no state where God is absent. There is nothing to be feared.”

May the Divine hold you in loving arms that are infinite and eternal.

What do you do with your fear? Leave a comment.

Victoria McGee

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Memories ~

July 25, 2015July 25, 2015 by Victoria McGee, posted in Uncategorized

Memories. Hopefully, we all have good ones. Some of us have traumatic ones. What do we do with those?

One difficult thing for others to understand is that you just can’t think, rationalize, or therapy your way out of PTSD or any trauma. (Although all those things help.) There is an anatomical cellular, subconscious memory you have to deal with as well. For instance, I was awakened by an intruder at 4:15 AM on May 15. Every night for a month I woke up at exactly 4:15 with a start. Every month after that for a year I woke up on the 15^th of the month at 4:15 AM. Often I wasn’t aware of the date until after I awakened. After exactly one year, it stopped. Some years it randomly happens again. (Usually if Iʻm already stressed or fearful about something.) So our conscious mind is only one piece of the puzzle. Our subconscious is another story!

Recognizing and accepting that these memories are going to happen does a lot to disempower them. If we spend our time being afraid of recurring memories, we give them more energy. We need to transmute that fear to other emotions. When you have one of those bad memories, thank it for stopping by and then turn your mind to other things. Sometimes you have to distract your mind like a toddler. Look at this instead. This is not denial, it’s coping.

My healing journey was unique to me, as yours is to you. I forgave too quickly, then had to drudge it all up again to get to the anger that alchemized the fear. For me, it took almost a year to get to the point of realizing that the rapist and the memory of what happened was winning. It was keeping me from sleeping, from living alone, from enjoying my life to the fullest. I had been minimizing my anger in an attempt to be a healthy person – forgive, love your enemy, etc. But I came to realize that the anger would be a necessary part of my healing. As I said, the anger alchemized the fear. Burned it up. Turned it into action.

Anger is a slippery slope however. Some people with PTSD become addicted to it. It is the only thing that takes their numbness away. But if you’re stuck in the anger, your trauma is still winning.

Don’t let it win.

As George Herbert said “Living well is the best revenge.”

I often think of this as I walk through this life. When I first held my son, when he hugs me now as a grown man, when something makes me laugh till I cry, feeling so full of love I could burst. I win. Me.

That’s a gift, isn’t it? Treasuring life and those around you. Immense gratitude. I’m not sure I would have become who I am if I wasn’t living to self-construct, rather than self-destruct. Not that I don’t still have those memories to deal with. But they have so much less power – partly due to the passage of time, and partly due to prayer and what I choose to focus on.

Iʻve been watching a new show on the USA Network called “Mr. Robot.” (http://www.usanetwork.com/mrrobot) It’s about a hacker/vigilante and it’s really interesting. This past week the main character, Elliot, was talking in his head about computer bugs and what he said was a powerful metaphor for what happens to a human who has survived trauma. He said, “The bug forces the software to adapt – evolve into something new because of it – work around it or work through it – no matter what, it changes – becomes something new – the next version – the inevitable upgrade.”

So yes, you’re not who you were before, and you didn’t ask for it. But it can be an upgrade, rather than a crash. You adapt, evolve, change, and become something new. Never look at that new self as damaged – look at it as a deeper and fuller self.

Ask the Divine for help. These simple words from A Course in Miracles can be so healing: “I am as God created me.” Say it to yourself all day, every day. You are beloved. Keep loving yourself and those around you. It will get better.

Victoria