It’s a typical day; walk the dogs, do a little work, eat a little lunch. I’m floating along – gently down the stream. Then something knocks me underwater. It could be a text, a phone call, or a triggering news story. I’m sick to my stomach, spiraling inside myself, my heart rate increases, my breathing becomes shallow – and just like that, I’m in survival mode. Will I fight, fly, or freeze? The answer often depends on how quickly I engage one of my life rafts.
In the world of trauma healing, the term “window of tolerance” is important to understand. This is a concept developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, which suggests we have an optimal arousal level within parameters that allow for the ebb and flow of life. So the “window” is this area in the middle, where we can tolerate a certain amount of ups and downs without too much trouble. But certain life circumstances, or triggers, can throw us out of our window. Then we enter states of hyperarousal (fight or flight), or hypoarousal (freeze).
I recently heard Dr. Albert Wong, Director of Somatic Psychology at JFK University, refer to my previous state of mind as being on a “surfboard of stability.” This is being in the window of tolerance. Things feel fairly stable and manageable in life! But this is life, and we will from time to time get knocked off that surfboard.
When this happens, I do what I would do in the ocean, or a lake; I find a life raft to cling to.
Falling out of our window of tolerance, professionals in the field of trauma treatment suggest we compile resources to help us find our way back to a more manageable place. I call these resources my life rafts, and I cling to them when I get knocked off my surfboard.
Resources are varied and individual. You have to try some of them out, keep some, discard what doesn’t work, but it’s crucial that you identify what works and use it! Here are six general categories for you to start lashing together your own life rafts.
People – Form a raft thinking of the people who can help you self-regulate. This could be a trusted friend, maybe a family member, or a therapist. Think of a figure who is protective of you, who has your back, and who listens and helps without judgment. Perhaps you have someone in your life who is a wise mentor, who you can turn to for advice. Or maybe it’s someone nurturing, who will offer tender care and comfort. Make a list of these people in your life. You might have a mental list, but when you write it down and see the support available to you, that alone can be calming.
“I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.” ~ Katherine Mansfield
Places – Sometimes a life raft of places, or a place, can provide the resources we need in times of struggle. And they can be real or imaginary! Maybe you have a favorite spot in a neighborhood park, or a view you can get to easily that calms you. It often helps to sit by a body of water when you can, or perhaps you like an indoor place. In my old house, I had a crying hall where I felt held and safe. In my mind, when I’ve needed a safe place, I go to a place from my childhood – it was actually an irrigation ditch, but we called it “the creek.” In my mind I lean against the big oak tree, take in the tire swing, dragonflies, and remember the simplicity of that time. Decide if a place can be a life raft for you. Describe it, and write what it is about it that comforts you.
“Someday you will find that place- a place that provides you peace, brings you serenity, and heals your sanity.” ~ Simran Noor
Grounding Activities – Any activity that helps you feel grounded and centered is a life raft! This could be mindfulness, meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises. When grounding, it’s helpful to actually be on the ground if you can. I once heard a yoga teacher tell us (sitting on the ground) to “wick up” energy and nurturing from the earth. The image of myself as a lantern wick, pulling UP support from the earth was very grounding, and I use it to this day! Grounding activities are good if you’re in hyperarousal as they can help you regulate your breathing, lower your blood pressure, and shift your focus to manageable tasks. For me, grounding is one of the best life rafts I have, and the best part is I can do it anywhere, any time.
“By grounding yourself in mindfulness early in the morning, you are reminding yourself that things are always changing, that good and bad things come and go, and that it is possible to embody a perspective of constancy, wisdom, and inner peace as you face any conditions that present themselves.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Objects – This is another useful life raft, utilizing familiar or comforting objects that bring you a sense of peace, calm, or even amusement. An object can be anything that helps you stay in the present moment or serves as a talisman or touchstone. It can be anything from a stuffed animal to a treasured rock, a t-shirt, or a piece of jewelry. I have a fused glass necklace with my father’s ashes in it – I wear it when I need to feel his wisdom with me. I have several heart shaped rocks I use, and holding one always grounds me and helps me find my way. Beloved pets can also be life rafts (I would put them on the raft in the People category, but that’s just me!), because they offer unconditional love and often intuitively know when we need them. Gather the objects of your life raft in one place and acknowledge their importance in your healing.
“An object is just an object until you – or someone else – Infuses it with meaning and energy.” ~ Maia Toll
Activities – If you’re in hypoarousal (wanting to curl up in a ball under the covers) it can help to get active. Hypoarousal can feel like you’re in a boat that’s stuck on a sand bar, but the activity life raft can lift your spirits and help you not feel quite so helpless with whatever is going on. It can be difficult to gather up the energy to start, but I encourage you to try! Because getting active in whatever way makes you feel good can be a quick way to return to regulation. Some ideas include music, humming, dance, hike, play a sport you like, or simply create – whether it’s art or yarn or craft projects or home projects – the activity raft can help get you unstuck!
“There is no healthier drug than creativity.” ~ Nayyirah Waheed
Engage your Spirit – Whatever your faith or belief system, the life raft of Spirit can quickly restore balance. When I fall out of the window of tolerance, either into hyper or hypo arousal, centering myself in Spirit offers stability and comfort. For me, turning to the Divine, turning over my feelings of panic or hopelessness, turning over my triggers and fears, is necessary to maintaining my healing. I spend time communing with Spirit, sometimes calling on the ancestors for care and wisdom, and I soon feel that support – the buoyancy of being held up out of the water, where I can breathe, and the knowledge that I will never be allowed to drown. How do you engage your spirit when you’re out of your window of tolerance? What can you rest in that comforts you? Create a simple mantra you can use to engage your soul quickly when needed.
“All through your life your soul takes care of you…your soul is alive and awakened, gathering, sheltering and guiding your ways and days in the world. In effect, your soul is your secret shelter.” ~ John O’Donohue
So, gather your resources. Don’t panic when you fall off your surfboard of stability. These are six ideas to help you get started. Try them out, see what helps. Invent new ones that work for you!
The important part is to have them! If you’re trying to live life and heal trauma without resources, it’s like going camping with no supplies. You will get desperate and ingest things (thoughts, food, drink) that aren’t as good for you.
We call on these resources; people, places, grounding, objects, activities, and Spirit as healthy ways to cope. And we slowly return to our window of tolerance, and float again – merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
Victoria McGee, M.A. 