Taming Fear, Taming Thoughts

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“My thoughts are not going to disappear, but I can develop a different relationship with them.” ~ Sharon Salzberg

I was thinking about the nature of fear the other day, wondering why last year I was triggered at times about my own trauma when dealing with the grief of facing my father’s death. Aren’t grief, trauma and fear all different emotions? Or all they all fear? A Course in Miracles (and other spiritual teachings) contend that all that is not love, is fear. So whether we are angry, depressed, grieving, or anxious – it’s all fear. I find this to be true, that when I follow the more obvious emotion deeper, to its core, I eventually end up at fear. And when I sit with one fear, other fears come up. Which led me to this conclusion:

“One fear begets other fears because it reminds us of our vulnerability.”

In dealing with my father’s death, I felt vulnerable. I felt powerless. I felt unable to cope. I felt like it was all so unfair. These are mirror emotions to how I felt after sexual assault. No wonder I was triggered. And all of these emotions are fear-based. Before you know it, once you allow yourself to fall into the thoughts of fear, your mind will offer you a buffet of all the times in your life you have felt afraid, vulnerable, powerless, angry. What will you choose today?

It can be so oddly comfortable there, swimming in fear, because we know these thoughts, we’ve been on this ride before. It doesn’t feel good, but it feels familiar. Past hurts, nightmarish images, ugly memories play on the screen of our mind. We know how to do this all too well. We often don’t know how to make it stop.

“Nothing brings suffering as does the untamed, uncontrolled, unattended and unrestrained mind. That mind brings great suffering.” ~ Buddha

As the Buddha says, this kind of thinking, fear-based and uncontrolled, brings great suffering. And God would not have us live there, in that state of suffering. God would have us move toward Love. The way out, then, is the opposite of what the Buddha describes. The way out is learning to control and tame our thoughts. The way out is to attend, with great care, the thoughts we allow to occupy our mind. The way out is to constantly return our thoughts to the Divine. How do we accomplish this? Through prayer, meditation, mindfulness and service.

“I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.” ~ Wayne Dyer

We truly have no control over what happens outside of us, around us, and the world at large. But we do, as Dr. Dyer says, have control over what goes on inside. So to control our thoughts, thereby reducing our fear, we must continually turn inward. Prayer, even for a moment, gives us a break from our spiraling thoughts. Start with a breath, an instant, and fill your mind with a brief prayer – God is love. All is God. God is love. All is God. Even this brief break in fear thoughts will start to calm you and distract your mind. Prayer opens the channel to God’s love. Spend as much time there as you can to quiet fear.

“Meditation isn’t really about getting rid of thoughts, it’s about changing the pattern of grasping onto things, which in our everyday experience is our thoughts,” ~ Pema Chodron

Meditation is a wonderful tool for taming our thoughts. Meditation has helped me by putting me in a state of openness to the thoughts of God, rather than my own thoughts. In meditation, my fear thoughts show up, but because I’m sitting in a state of Oneness, they don’t hold the same power and I let them go much more easily. Meditation also helps us see our thoughts as merely thoughts. The thoughts in our mind are all based on the past, so they have no real threat to us in the present. Let them stay in the past, floating through and out, while you sit in Love.

“Mindfulness helps you go home to the present.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Mindfulness is a beautiful tool for getting control of fear thoughts. As the Buddha said, unattended thoughts bring suffering. Attending to your thoughts and actions with complete mindfulness brings peace in that moment. The beauty of mindfulness is you can practice it anywhere at any time. We are often drawn to being mindful when spending time with someone whose end of life is near. We savor the time together, take mental pictures with our mind, and stay fully present with them when we are together. When we are mindful, we savor and treasure the present moment, staying in the moment. Fear thoughts, since they are based on the past, find no home when we are being mindful. It is a luxurious break from daily stress. A spa visit for your mind.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others,” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Lastly, service is a beautiful tool for taking us out of spiraling fear thoughts. When we are present for others, we cannot get lost in our own thinking. Service has been described as deceptively selfish, because we enter in with the intent of being there for others, but we come away feeling healed ourselves. There is such Divine beauty in sitting witness for someone else’s struggle. You will find God there, and your own devastating thoughts will recede as you find it in yourself to help someone else.

Sometimes, we must treat our worldly mind like a toddler and simply distract it. When our thoughts feel like a broken record we can “move the needle” with these tools – prayer, meditation, mindfulness and service. We can tame the fears because we can tame our thoughts. What will you choose today?


“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.” ~ Caroline Myss

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

2/19/2018

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Dipping Back In – Healing Trauma is Not a Straight Line

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“Wounds don’t heal the way you want them to, they heal the way they need to. It takes time for wounds to fade into scars. It takes time for the process of healing to take place. Give yourself that time. Give yourself that grace. Be gentle with your wounds. Be gentle with your heart. You deserve to heal.” ~ Dele Olanubi

This quote is profoundly comforting. It reminds me to be gentle with myself and my process. No one has a straight, flat, easy path in life. Every life journey is unique. For those of us who survive trauma along the path, who may struggle with PTSD, and for whom healing is part of this journey, we need to remember that the path is not linear. We will often take great strides in healing, only to be triggered and feel we have fallen back. I’ve come to realize that these are not steps back, but steps sideways, a time we need to witness how we are triggered, and dip back into healing.

I call it “Dipping Back In” to remind myself that I will always be healing, and that it isn’t possible to dive in and heal all at once. So I dip my big toe in, test the water, then wade in for while. This way, I know I won’t drown.

“Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.” ~ Anonymous

Admittedly, the trauma I survived was a long time ago, so I don’t deal with PTSD every day any more. But I clearly remember the early days, months and years when I was working so hard to heal, and was regularly triggered. I would get so frustrated about triggers. “Aren’t I getting better?” “When will I be done dealing with this?” “When will I be healed?” Over time, the reaction to the triggers lessened. I can see now, in retrospect, how the path was unfolding. It’s harder to see in the midst of it. We get so tempted to beat ourselves up if we get triggered again, or if we go through a difficult time emotionally.

As many years (decades) as I have worked with healing trauma, I’m still having to “Dip Back In” occasionally. Just last year, I had to spend some nights alone for the first time in a long time. I was massively triggered, couldn’t sleep, and had nightmares again. Rather than lose hope that I’m not fully healed, I now know this is an invitation to “Dip Back In” and see where I have more work to do.

MORE work to do? Really? (My inner child has a small tantrum at this point.) But I know that a little more work is exactly what I need. And I couldn’t have done it sooner, because healing occurs in stages. Healing is circuitous. Healing is random. Healing is difficult and it is also not optional if we are to recover and live fully. For me, I need God on this path with me.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~ Buddha

And so we must accept our healing for what it is. And to do this, we must get to a place of surrender. We must surrender our ideas of what our healing is supposed to look like. Surrender our linear ideas of how long it should take. Surrender the human tendency to compare our healing to that of others. Be gentle and loving with yourself.

Surrendering the form and time-frame of your healing leads to a deepening in the faith of your own path. Surrender to the healing God has planned for you. You are safe there. God will lead you to those feeling and situations that will help you heal when you are ready for it. Surrender and have faith.

So “Dip Back In” when you feel you need to. Have faith and surrender to the process. God’s plan for your healing is inevitable. It will be there for you when you are ready for it. It will be there for you when you embrace your journey as solely your own, and surrender to the chaotic beauty of your healing path.

“Your path is beautiful and crooked and just as it should be.” ~ Anonymous

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

February 12, 2018

Being In the Love

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“Be loving and kind. Call everyone to your table of kindness.”

~Ma Jaya

In a meditation not too long ago, I was trying to just stay open and not have an agenda, but secretly hoping I might feel some presence or connection with my father, who had recently passed on. As I became aware of that thought and sought to let it go, trying to return to a connection to God, this thought floated into my consciousness, “Be in the Love.”

Sometimes we get messages and guidance we don’t understand. This one was immediately crystal clear for me – Be in the Love, for that is where your father is. Be in the Love, for that is where your comfort lies. Be in the Love, for that is where you will find hope. Sit in the presence of Love.

Such a direct and beautiful reminder to constantly bring ourselves into Love in order to feel and reflect God’s Love.

And how soon we forget. I’m learning and trying and meditating and seeking like so many. And we are, after all, spiritual beings having a human experience! So we are tested in how we love and who we love. I have been struggling with this in the face of so much going on in the world regarding political and sexual misconduct. I’ve been harsh and judgmental and truly hateful toward these people. How do we look at these people and feel Love?

I don’t know the answer! I’m struggling with it! But I suspect it’s very similar to the reason we forgive others. Because we keep ourselves in chains if we don’t. Every time I withhold Love, I’m separating myself from God.

Ouch.

So I have to find ways to Love (or at the very least not hate) so I may draw closer to God. It sounds selfish, but the more we all expand and spread God’s Love, the better for all beings.

“Remember – we are not the light; we are simply the lightbulbs. Our job is to remain screwed in.”  ~ Desmond Tutu

How do we stay “screwed in” when we have so many distractions tempting us to withhold our Love and react in judgment? I think the answer lies in compassion. I often see horrible deeds done on the news, whether in war or everyday insanity, and I think, “My God, what must this person’s life be like for them to act like that or do those things?” And just that little sliver of compassion helps me to feel moved to pray for them. We pray for those that are hurt, but we know the one who committed the act needs prayer as well.

Scarlett Lewis, who lost her small son Jesse in the tragedy at Sandy Hook, said this about the shooter, “The reason I say Adam Lanza’s name is because I think it’s vitally important we remember that he was a human being too. And he was in a tremendous amount of pain.” She found her way to forgiveness through compassion. She’s choosing to Be in the Love. Her strength and wisdom are beyond inspiring.

“As you dissolve into Love, your ego fades. You’re not thinking about Loving; you’re being Love, radiating like the Sun.”  ~ Ram Dass

I want to Be in the Love. I want to radiate like the Sun! So I’m going to keep trying, every day, to screw in my lightbulb to the Source or light and Love, by turning toward compassion instead of judgment. Compassion, I truly believe, will guide us to Love. And Love will take us Home every time.

Be in the Love.

Be in the Love.

Be in the Love.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

January 15, 2018

Happy New Year???

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“Be here now.” ~ Ram Dass

There’s nothing like a new year to make us start “shoulding” on ourselves. We get caught up in the idea of resolutions and new beginnings, when really this man-made calendar has nothing to do with our inner path, or where our wisdom can take us if we are listening instead of planning.

I tried to have a happy new year. I really did. I was dealing with a ton of grief and I tried to shove it down and feel happy and hopeful about 2018. But I couldn’t do it. Of course, I hope 2018 is better than 2017, but my reserves of hope are depleted at this moment, so my cry of hope for the new year is more “meh” than “Yes!” When I got very honest with myself, I had to admit I was entering the new year feeling sad and empty.

And then I had to get okay with that.

Turning a calendar page cannot rush my process. Watching a ball drop cannot put balm on my wounds. Sad and empty is where I am in my processing of grief, and my job is to honor it and let it be my truth in this moment. Allowing is sometimes the most difficult part.

“You have to feel it to heal it.” ~ Unknown

We have all been raised and taught to compartmentalize our emotions. It’s actually a good life skill that helps us carry on sometimes when we must, in spite of what we are feeling. There are times when we absolutely love practicing this life skill, so we can avoid the emotions that seem so scary: fear, grief, guilt, rage, despair, disappointment. It’s daunting to unpack those sometimes. And yes, you don’t want to do it at the market, or at work, but they must be unpacked at some point.

If we don’t unpack them, life becomes a game of Whack-A-Mole, where no matter how many times we push the emotion down, it pops back up when we least expect it! So we must find a way to let the feelings out. This is different for everyone and every situation, and I urge you to identify what works for you and honor it. I tend to want to be alone and have privacy to process. When I don’t have the time or space to do this, I can start to feel like a pressure cooker. Others may want to let feelings out with someone there to witness and console. And for deep trauma and grief, there’s nothing quite like being able to unpack your feelings with a good therapist.

So how can God help in this process? There is no situation where God would not be helpful, but in applying spiritual principles to allowing and honoring our feelings, I find that inviting God in and then turning everything over to the Divine is how we start.

As I work through allowing myself to be sad and empty and bereft, I say this prayer:

Dear God, my __(any emotion)_____ is so powerful today. I can’t bear it alone. Please be with me, feel this with me, and help me feel safe in allowing the feeling to be felt and honored as deeply as possible. I turn this feeling over to you, Holy Spirit, to be healed, and I give you my heart to be comforted. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.

Whatever you are dealing with, and we’re ALL dealing with something, let us feel it. Feeling it is where the growth lies. There is no growth in carrying on and shoving things down. It takes courage to face these feelings, but the alternative is numbness, and an inauthentic life. What is the reward for such courage?

Eckhart Tolle says this:

If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion.”

So let’s honor our feelings and not the calendar. Let’s begin each day anew instead of just one day each year. Wherever we are on our path is where we need to be right now.

God is with us.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

January 9, 2018

THAT HORRIBLE “T” WORD – TRUST

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“If you’re invested in security and certainty, you are on the wrong planet,”                                                      ~Pema Chodron

Trust. It can be so hard to get to that place. If you’ve been a victim of a traumatic event, it’s even more difficult. The very ground you stood on and the world you had constructed as orderly and dependable, the world you felt safe in, flipped on its head. Nothing is reliable. Nothing can be trusted.

Over time, as we heal, we take baby steps toward trusting again. Isn’t that beautiful? The human heart, ripped open and hurting, will always bend toward love, toward trusting again. We slowly re-construct our world again. It’s as if we’re building a staircase, then gingerly trying out each step to make sure it will hold.

Of course, we are tested. People change or let us down, jobs change, people die, accidents happen. Trust is challenged. This is true for everyone, but for those with PTSD these life events can be extra challenging. They can trigger our need for protection.

I’ve been feeling vulnerable lately. My life feels like it’s on shaky ground as I am moving soon (a big move) and not certain where I’ll land exactly. I even had a couple of nightmares about being in an earthquake! I find when I feel vulnerable like this, it triggers my monkey brain back into hyper-vigilance. The need to control, to protect myself, and to know what’s happening next can become all-consuming. I lie awake at night, my mind spiraling out to all the possible outcomes I can imagine. Sound familiar?

My niece posted recently about toddlers needing a reliable routine. Is it really that necessary? I commented on her post that it’s because their world gets exponentially bigger every day, and it’s exciting, but they need the routine to feel safe and secure. This feels true of me in my healing as well. Throughout my life, since the trauma, when things get shaky in my life, even if it’s positive change, I start to panic and lose sleep, trying to control outcomes and even people. My routine is off, there’s nothing I can put my trust in.

This is true, there is nothing tangible I can put my trust in. There is only God. Once I remember to turn to God, to trust in God, the panic begins to calm. My protective shell begins to soften. I start to relax, to look for the lessons, the gifts inherent in the chaos.

No matter who you are or what you do, the ground is always shaky. And, the really good news is that shaky ground is fertile ground for spiritual awakening.”                                                  ~Pema Chodron

As Pema Chodron states, shaky ground is fertile ground for spiritual awakening! If our trust was never tested, if our routines were never interrupted, how would we grow in faith? It is in those moments when we choose God that our faith is strengthened, our trust is emboldened, and our capacity for Love expands.

So I invite you to join me as I daily remind myself to let go, be at peace with the chaos, and trust that the Divine walks with me every step of this way. We must remember each moment to turn and take the hand of God as we walk. This is how we build trust. By not relying on ourselves or things of this world, but on the Divine Love of God. Choose God. Trust God. Find Peace.

“Faith isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice to trust God even when the road ahead seems uncertain.”            ~ Dave Willis

You Are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

August 4, 2017

The Fabric of Our Lives

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“My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue,

An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view.

A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold,

A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold.”

                                                                        ~Carole King

            When I was young and would loudly sing along with Carole King in my room, these words were beautiful. As I grew older, they became profound. Now they bring tears, as they demand reflection. I hope I have many more years to live, and that I can live them awake and aware, knowing that with the good there will be bad, and it’s all part of the tapestry of my life.

Tapestries became popular during the Medieval era, largely because they were portable art, and people and kingdoms often had to move quickly. Originally tapestries told religious stories, then later in life they told tales of romance and fantasy. The process of following a large drawing and transferring that image onto a large, vertical loom is fascinating. The detail work is awe-inspiring. Perhaps our lives are tapestries, the big picture set forth at our birth, the details added as we grow and change.

“We sleep, but the loom of life never stops, and the pattern which was weaving when the sun went down is weaving when it comes up in the morning.”

                                                ~Henry Ward Beecher

Our live are indeed tapestries, each day woven into the existing patterns of the day before, incorporating light and dark, good and bad, fear and safety, life and death. What makes life rich is not to have had only good, safe and happy experiences, but their opposite as well. The contrast in the patterns of the tapestry is what makes it interesting, what paints the picture, what tells the whole story.

As I’ve written in previous blogs, I would not want my traumatic experience to be washed away and taken out of my life’s tapestry. The Dalai Lama once said, “There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’ No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful the experience is, if we lose out hope, that’s our real disaster.”

How do we live through trauma, grief, and sorrow and find our hope again? Through faith. Through turning it constantly over to God to heal. Through trusting the Divine will help us if we but ask. And through looking back at your tapestry so far. Look at how far you’ve come. Really see what you have survived, what gifts it brought you, what strength you gained. Examine the details of your tapestry. What small acts done by you or someone else, wove a new idea into the pattern? What help or compassion patched the place where the threads unraveled? Look at the strength of the whole piece. This has been created by the Divine, and nothing can tear it apart.

“Nature uses only the longest threads to weave her patterns, so that each small piece of her fabric reveals the organization of the entire tapestry.”

                                                                                                ~ Richard P. Feynman

What a beautiful thought! It’s easier to realize this concept when we look at nature isn’t it? The patterns weave together and create the entire tapestry. I am filled with awe when I truly “get” this.

And so we move forward daily, not usually aware, our tapestry growing and changing and becoming richer until the end. So we must accept the entire tapestry, the good and the bad, the frayed edges, and the solid images, the times we were deeply afraid, and the times we were profoundly safe. The times we withheld love, and the times we gave it freely. Accept it, because in the end, what counts is everything, the whole picture ~ the complete tapestry. It’s all part of the fabric of our lives.

“Into Christ’s presence will we enter now, serenely unaware of everything His shining face, and perfect Love.”   ~ A Course in Miracles – WB 157

You Are Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

2/28/2017

Four Things to do Today to Help Heal Your Trauma

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“True healing is the willingness to treat yourself and others better than the past ever did.”                ~ Matt Kahn                 

I’m fond of being cerebral and spiritual. But sometimes we just need a list, right? Here are the directions. Just do this and you’ll feel better. Don’t give it too much thought, just do it. So here is my practical suggestion for four things you can do every day to help heal your trauma. (Still with the cerebral and spiritual quotes, because they’re awesome and healing in their own right.)

1. Quiet your mind.

“Listen – are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?   ~Mary Oliver

Breathe deeply. Set aside some time today to breathe deeply and quiet your mind. Settle yourself in a place you can feel safe, stick some nice music in your ears, whatever you need to just sit still with yourself. And BREATHE. Breathe deeply and profoundly.

Empty your brain as best you can, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Thoughts will trickle in, just gently say to them, “not now.” And return to the emptiness.

This is like pushing a reset button on your nervous system. And I know it’s hard when you’re a trauma survivor. I KNOW. Sometimes being alone in your own mind can seem scary.

I promise the more you practice, the deeper you breathe, and the more you disempower your random thoughts, the less scary it will be. It will start to be a safe harbor, and at some point become a necessity. This is the space we need to remember that we are one with God. 

2. Find something in Nature to marvel at.

“I go to Nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in tune once more.” ~ John Burroughs

We are all so busy, aren’t we? And here I am telling you to squeeze more time into your day to marvel at some Nature. But this doesn’t have to be a hike in the woods or a trip to the park. Even in a big city, Nature is literally all around us. Watch snow fall out the window, watch your cat or dog sleep, be amazed at the strength of an ant carrying a crumb across the kitchen counter, look at the moon or watch the stars come out. If you have a yard, sit in it and look around you. Just notice. Is there a gentle breeze, perhaps, stirring the leaves in the trees? Are there birds going about their busy day? Do you see things growing all around you?

Nature restores our faith by being so constant and accessible. It heals our trauma by reminding us that life goes on and to rely on these good and steady displays of God’s love.

Practitioner hint: to save time, you can combine #1 and #2 – in fact, I highly recommend it!

3. Take another step toward forgiveness.

“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” ~ Najwa Zebian

Forgiveness is critical to healing. It’s not easy and it won’t happen all at once and you will need God’s help to get there. But today, just take one more baby step closer. Not for their sake, but for yours. We truly keep ourselves in prison when we refuse to forgive.

Studies have shown, too, a correlation between the ability to forgive and the severity of PTSD. Holding back on forgiveness means holding on to some rage, which keeps our bodies in fight or flight status and can lead to increased anxiety. So by not forgiving, we are stuck in trauma. I know you don’t want that. You deserve better.

So just for today, hold a little thought, “I will forgive you, because my soul deserves peace.” Notice how saying “will” forgive can mean either you’re doing it in the next moment, or just maybe someday. Wherever you are in your healing will determine the timeline.

 

“The intelligent way to be selfish is to work for the welfare of others.”  ~ Dalai Lama

Selfish? But if I’m giving of myself Dalai Lama, how is that selfish? Because there is no quicker path to healing than to help someone else! Service takes us out of our own drama and reminds us of our ability to contribute in a positive way to the world around us. Service can restore our faith, not only in God, but in ourselves and our fellow man. Service can be anything! It doesn’t mean you put in many hours at a soup kitchen, although it’s great if you can! It can be many small things throughout the day – times you leave your own head, your own drama, to see what someone around you might need.

Trauma can be so hard on our self-esteem. Self-esteem is defined as how lovable and capable we feel in the world. Service helps us regain some of that. We can again see our value in the world, we make a difference, however small, and we are capable of giving and receiving love. So do something, today, for someone else.

So there it is. Four things to help heal trauma that you can do today. But to be truly healed, you know, we must do them tomorrow too, and the day after that, and then the next day. We don’t do it because we have to. We do it because we are brave and healing is our right, our destination, and our beloved journey.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.” ~ Brene Brown

You Are Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

January 17, 2017

THE PRESSURE TO SEEM “NORMAL”

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“In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring each other that our costumes of identity are on straight.”   ~ Ram Dass

Here we are again – holiday season. Time to show up at the family table and be “normal.” As survivors of trauma, we can often feel an unspoken pressure to join in at the holidays and pretend we are just fine. I truly hope you are just fine this holiday season, but for those who are not, read on.

I’m going to let you off the hook.

The Ram Dass quote above is so true, isn’t it? We all present these costumes of identity to each other, but when trauma has touched our lives, the costumes change, don’t they? And as profoundly as our friends and family know, deeply know, that trauma has changed us, they still want us to show up and be “normal.” Why?

It’s human nature. Partly, they want to be reassured that the human spirit is unshakeable, that we are strong, that we are “going to get through this.” Partly, they miss us. The old us. The lighter version, the lighter person we used to be. They want a glimpse of that smile, that smirk, maybe the smart-ass humor that indicates you’re still there. They want to feel better about what you’ve been through.

But it’s not your job to make them feel better. It’s your job to heal your trauma in the manner and at the speed that is right for you. So this holiday, give yourself permission to show up and be what is “normal” for you right now.

I remember the first Christmas after I was assaulted. I lived a constant mixture of contradictory emotions: one minute I wanted to do the traditional things and be with family, the next I wanted to do everything differently and be left alone. I would feel profound gratitude swell in my heart only to plunge into hopelessness in the next moment. That was my “normal.” And I remember feeling the pressure to put on a good face and pretend nothing had changed, when everything had.

Hopefully, you will have some time this holiday with people who allow you to be where you are in your healing. And for those who want us to appear “normal” we need to give them a break too. They may not have ever had to walk this path either, and truly don’t know what to do.

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never how amazing you can be.”   ~ Maya Angelou                                                      

I also remember, as I look around at the holidays, that most people I know have been touched by trauma in some form. Veterans of wars, sexual assault survivors, child abuse survivors, people touched by sudden and traumatic grief. We are all presenting our version of “normal.” We are all doing the best we can. We are human.

The best news about “normal” is how incredibly fluid it is. We always have the capacity to create a new normal, to re-invent ourselves, our beliefs, our attitudes, and become something more than we ever thought possible. And wherever we’re at in our healing, whatever is “normal” right now is perfect in the eyes of the Divine.

So this holiday, give yourself permission to be “normal.” Life is a giant Come As You Are party – Let Go and Let God.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~ Buddha

You Are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

Dec. 19, 2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DISARMING TRIGGERS

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 “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” – Dalai Lama

Thanks, Dalai Lama. I’ll keep that in mind.

Recently, I’ve been having a hard time with this concept. Suddenly, certain triggers seem to be everywhere, almost impossible to avoid. And survivors of trauma know that avoiding triggers is not the answer, because if you don’t deal with this one, another one will come along, until you deal with it.

So what do we do? What do we do when we are faced with a trigger on a daily basis? I’ve seen so many examples of this; whether it’s someone in the news, a new supervisor who makes you uncomfortable, a new co-worker who resembles someone from your past, a new neighbor with domestic violence issues or who likes to set off fireworks – how do we deal with new and frequent triggers?

The answer is that we deal with daily triggers the same way we deal with intermittent ones, but with more diligence and compassion for ourselves.

First of all, most triggers are not there intending to be a trigger. It, or they, are just existing in the world, in their own sense of reality, being what they are. We are experiencing it as a trigger. We are assigning fear and panic to it. In most instances, a person or thing is not intending to trigger you, but you are triggered by it. It is not their fault, nor is it yours; it just is.

For me, I have to shift this into a state of spiritual opportunity, or anxiety sets in rather quickly. When I’m triggered, I experience the fear and panic, the anger and rage. Then I must step out of this linear reality, examine my own projection, and replace it with a new thought.

I also have to be willing to make this shift. Sometimes I’m not. Recently, I’ve been rather enjoying my rage, and I got stuck there. I had to find a way to stop raging at the trigger without letting it off the hook. This is the spiritual conundrum isn’t it?

Sometimes we have what we feel is rather justified anger, coupled with a notion that anger is not spiritual. But it is! Everything is spiritual.

We can use everything that occurs to show us where we are asleep and how we can wake up completely, utterly, without reservation.” – Pema Chodron

This beautiful quote from Pema Chodron is the ultimate in spiritual thinking. Using everything that occurs, absolutely everything, as our teacher, as that which will lead us to our true nature, that will lead us to the Divine, is the answer to every question.

Letting our triggers show us where we are still asleep can be seen as a gift. In her book, When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron advises seeing what arises in our lives as enlightened wisdom. We do not know what we need next on our spiritual path, only Spirit does. Trust in this. If triggers have come up, if you are struggling with it daily, turn it over to God. The reason for it, and the healing of it, will come to you.

When we need to disarm a trigger, here are some steps you may find helpful.

Breathe – Stopping the gut reaction with a large intake and exhale can help.

Follow the fear – Ask yourself what about this person or situation is triggering fear or anger in you. (This is assuming the trigger is not the original source of your trauma!) Journaling about this can be helpful.

Step into neutral – Once you’ve identified the trigger, shift your mind into neutral. Try to see the person or event from an objective place. They are not “a” trigger, they are “your” trigger.

Ask for Guidance – Ask God to help you understand this trigger, what you are to learn from it, and bring you to a place of healing.

This is not to say that there are not times we need to make changes in our lives. Sometimes a daily trigger is just too much for us. It depends on the trigger, the source trauma, our support network, and where we are in our healing process. Take care of yourself and follow your instinct. Don’t stay in an uncomfortable situation – ever.

As I said, I’m struggling with this right now as well. Some days I’m good at it, some days I give in to anger and fear. It’s a PROCESS. All I know, as I look back on what are now decades of dealing with trauma, that triggers, anger and fear will not win. Constantly turning to the Divine has always saved me, and always will.

A Course in Miracles: Lesson 69:

“Because your grievances are hiding the light of the world in you, everyone stands in darkness, and you beside him. But as the veil of your grievances is lifted, you are released with him. Share your salvation now with him who stood beside you when you were in hell. He is your brother in the light of the world that saves you both.”

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

December 6, 2016

 

Can We Find Peace Without Justice?

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True peace is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of justice.” 

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

                                         On a recent visit to the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial in Washington, D.C., I was struck by this quote. I stood frozen, reading and re-reading these words. It left me with a question. “Can we find peace where there has been no justice?”

Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke these words in relation to the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1955. He realized that ending a tense situation in the African American struggle for civil rights was not a true peace. More was needed. Justice was needed.

For me, this quote also applies to the struggle for peace, and longing for justice that is shared by victims of trauma. For many of us, there was no justice. No one was punished. If a price was paid, we aren’t aware of it. The scales of justice can seem forever tipped.

For those who have been victimized through war, or natural disasters, or sudden grief, there is often no single perpetrator to identify or seek justice from. For those who have been victimized by a single person or group, the justice we are afforded on a human level can often seem insufficient. Even if you have suffered through a trial, and the perpetrator is in prison, it will never feel like they are receiving as much suffering as they caused.

All trauma survivors have to come to terms with this at some point: there will be no justice that feels right.

To me, this is because we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Our desire for revenge, to even the score, and to find justice, are human urges. When we allow those urges to quiet down, and focus our minds and hearts spiritually, we get closer to the radical notion that peace lies in letting God take care of the justice.

An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

                                                                        ~Mahatma Gandhi

What does it mean to let God take care of the justice? It means having trust and faith that there is a Divine Order to the Universe. It means to believe in the laws of karma and trust that they will play out, without creating more karma of your own by seeking revenge.

Karma is truly a reliable law. What goes around, comes around. “That which ye sow, so shall ye reap.” I’ve seen so many examples of it that I have complete faith in it. We don’t always see the end result of karma, but suffice it to say, if someone causes harm, harm will come back on them at some point. Our peace relies on us having faith in this balancing law of the Universe.

For me, this was all I had to rely on. I never knew if the person who attacked me was brought to any kind of justice. Justice in a legal form was not something I could cling to, so I had to find my own way to justice. Without it, I would have imprisoned myself with hatred.

The more I turned it over to God to provide my justice, the clearer it became I was on the right path. I began to relax into knowing that God is Love and that whatever was for the highest good of all involved is what would happen. It requires such faith at first, but the more I practiced it, the more I had peace around the issue of justice – a sure sign that healing was taking place, and the Divine was leading me home.

This is not to say that wrongdoers should not be dealt with on this earth. But it is to remind us that sometimes justice doesn’t look like we expect it to look, or come in the package we were expecting. And often, people who receive justice find no peace from it. There is more peace in forgiveness, than justice.

So can we find peace where there is no justice? Yes. Because justice is not ours to have or to give. Peace is just a God-thought away.

By acting compassionately, by helping to restore justice and to encourage peace, we are acknowledging that we are all part of one another.”

                                                                        ~Ram Dass

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

November 6, 2016