How Faith Helps Us Build Capacity

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“I found it strange, yet perfectly balanced, that I needed my wounds to heal my faith, and my faith to heal my wounds.” ~ Rumi

Building capacity has become a buzz-word within organizations the last decade, seeping into other areas like physical and mental health. When I first heard the phrase about ten years ago, I found it confusing, seeing the word “capacity” as a measurement of volume! Of course its root is the word “capable” and that’s what helped me get less confused. Building capacity means building capability.

Formally, capacity building is the process of developing the skills, knowledge, tools and resources an individual or organization needs to be able to function effectively, sustainably, and adapt to change. This applies to constant growth and learning, challenging yourself and reflecting on your progress. I think, most importantly, it’s about developing resources. One of those resources for me is my faith.

It’s tricky when we seek to blend faith with mental health.  Previously, both Freud and Skinner disparaged reliance on religion or faith, seeing it as a weakness. However, research is showing that for some, a spiritual belief system is not just important to their mental health, it just might be an undervalued resource.

In the Handbook of Adult Resilience (edited by John W. Reich, Alex J. Zautra, and John Stuart Hall, 2010), researchers note “(Religion) may establish a foundational meaning system that orders the individual’s understanding of the universe and particular events.” In other words, our faith can help us make sense of events, perhaps leading us to meaning-making sooner rather than later when we go through dark times.

One criticism of faith held by Freud was that it was a crutch, something people leaned on to avoid meeting an issue or catastrophe head on. However, in the Handbook of Adult Resilience, a summary concludes, “These studies make clear that religious people do not generally bury their heads in the sand or wait helplessly for someone else to solve their problems. In contrast to these stereotypes, the empirical evidence suggests that religious people are generally actively engaged in dealing with their personal tribulations. Moreover, their religiousness may enhance such efforts.”

“When we reach the limits of our own strength, and courage, something unexpected happens. We find reinforcement coming from a source outside of ourselves. And in the knowledge that we are not alone, that God is on our side, we manage to go on.” ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

The research also showed positive results in aspects of resilience and in spiritual transformation. They found that as these resources of faith sustained people in times of trouble, their certitude that faith is a valuable tool grows. In short, people showed that faith strengthened stress-related growth! Faith actually helps us build capacity. It helps us deal, and it helps us adapt, and it helps us grow.

I only cite these findings to uphold my own personal experience. That when I’m literally brought to my knees by life events, I have found my faith to be a source of comfort and strength, simultaneously being held AND pushed to grow!

In our old house, there was a short hallway with closets on both sides between the primary bedroom and the bathroom. Three times in my life I have completely surrendered in that spot, wailing with grief and anger and despair. Even after we remodeled that area, I went to the same spot, because it had been sanctified by my tears. My complete surrender, (dumping out all the emotion, crying out to God all the questions and all the accusations and all the anguish), cleansed my spirit and allowed a kind of grace to come in that wasn’t possible when I was holding so tightly to my desolation. Then, my faith begins to comfort me.

Where do I find faith? Personally, I find it in writings from great spiritual teachers, and in nature. You might find it solely in the Bible or the Koran, or wherever your heart is touched. If you have trouble with religion and faith feels elusive, turn to nature. Nature continues despite everything. Seeds become trees, insects busy themselves composting and pollinating, mountains stand for centuries. There is comfort in that continuation. You, also, will continue.

As a child, my family would often go camping in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. I remember even as a little girl being so in awe of the grandeur of the mountains and the perfection of nature. I felt one with the earth and the nature surrounding me. It gave me knowledge I have carried with me; that things may go horribly wrong, there may be enormous grief, or earth-shattering trauma, but if I am of nature, I will persist.

When I look back over my life, I see how I constantly, sometimes subconsciously, kept building that resource of faith. Bad things do happen to good people. Bad things just happen. Faith can help us through those times and become a reliable tool in our box of resources. I just have to remember to bring that tool out first, and it will support my other resources on the journey.

Every time we face a difficulty we have a choice. The opportunity is there to build capacity and to develop belief in our own capability to deal, adapt, and grow. I encourage you to bring faith into that process.

“People who pray for miracles usually don’t get miracles, any more than children who pray for bicycles, good grades, or good boyfriends get them as a result of praying. But people who pray for courage, for strength to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what they have left instead of they have lost, very often find their prayer answered.” ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

The Mosaic of a Fractured Soul

Image by LoggaWiggler from Pixabay

“Beautiful mosaics are made of broken pieces.” ~ Lori Jenessa Nelson

Trauma, grief, anxiety, the events of our lives often leave us feeling like our soul has been fractured. We feel scattered, like shattered pieces of ourselves have been chipped away and flung helter-skelter. We are broken.

No one gets through this life without experiencing devastation and loss. It’s part of the human experience, as much as joy, love and accomplishment. That doesn’t make it any easier. How do we find the strength and courage to pick up these pieces and try to put ourselves back together?

One piece at a time.

“You are not shattered; you are a breathtaking mosaic of the battles you have won and the love that you are.” ~ Unknown

One broken piece at a time we begin to see where each piece might fit. Even as we grieve for what is no longer whole, we eventually start to try to put our life back together. Of course, what we put back together is not the same. It will never be the same. But it can become a mosaic, a new, functional creation that will have its own beauty.

In my own life, after a profound event, it’s the simple things that start to put me back together. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower. Cup of coffee? Yes, I like coffee. “I’m a person who likes coffee – ah! there’s a piece of who I am. I’ll place it here.” Here’s my cat. Yes, my cat. “I’m a person who likes cats. This piece belongs here.”

And eventually, we get to acceptance of ALL the pieces. Grief? Yes, I’ve felt deep grief. “I am a person who has grieved profoundly. Oh look – this can actually fit here, and it’s part of the whole.” Trauma? Yes, I’ve experienced trauma. “I’ve been a victim of assault. (Do I have to include this piece?) Yes, because look what other pieces fall into place because of your healing. Yes, yes, include it all!”

“We are mosaics. Pieces of light, love, history, stars. Glued together with magic and music and words.” ~ Anita Krizzan

Ultimately the mosaic, like our entire being, is a composite of our entire life, and all of our experiences! We eventually place the good pieces right next to the bad pieces, like complementary colors on the color wheel. Because this is the whole of our human experience. The key is acceptance. If we don’t accept what has happened in our lives, we continue to beat our head against a wall asking “Why?” And the only answer is “Because you are alive, and shit happens.” We are on a planet full of terrible things happening all the time. The odds are we will be affected at some point. When we are, we need to grieve, cry, be angry, feel all the feelings, but then accept; this happened. Only then can the pieces start to look like a new pattern, a new hope.

“The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what it is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Constructing the mosaic of our experience is our life’s work. Sometimes we are re-shattered and must start over, and that mosaic will be different from the last, and so on until our last breath. Our souls were not made to lie scattered on the floor. Our souls were made to guide us to our healing, to our wholeness. Ask for guidance. God will show us where to start. Spirit will help us look back in awe at the mosaic of our life so far, and marvel at the beauty, the aching beauty of it.

“Hold fast to whatever fragments of love that exist, for sometimes a mosaic is more beautiful than an unbroken pattern.” ~ Dawn Powell

Victoria McGee

09/09/25

The Soul Wound of the Pandemic

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            Do you have time to read this? Can you take a breath and give yourself a pause? Did you read more often during the pandemic? As I’ve grown busier this past year, I’ve noticed a certain dark comfort in getting back into the routine of being productive, rather than just being. Dark because something feels unresolved.

            A lot of us who survived the pandemic have moved on – maybe too quickly? We want to distract ourselves from what we’ve been through and return to some sense of “normal.” Of course we do. Besides the pandemic, we were experiencing profound racial injustices, unprecedented political division, and for many there was also job loss and food insecurity. Anxiety was at an all-time high. We needed to grieve. We needed to breathe. At the same time we needed to take deep breaths, we were masking! How could we stop and grieve when we were consumed with wondering if we would survive?

I see in our society both an individual and collective soul wound from the pandemic. The earth can’t lose that many souls, and endure so much friction and strife without us feeling it on a cellular and spiritual level. Isn’t it important to take the time to grieve this moment in our history?

Unlike some traumas that are sudden and unexpected, the pandemic crept up on us. There was no moment of shock, just a growing sense of danger, followed by feelings of dread. Then when the statistics started being reported we had no way to gather and mourn. We had no balm for the grief in the usual ways – rituals, funerals, gathering together to share the loss. No way to support the bereaved or honor the dead. Grief requires a witness. We were isolated.

And this grief is ongoing. One study estimated that for every person lost to Covid, there are nine grieving loved ones who were close to them. In the US alone, nearly 2.0 million people have died from Covid to date. (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/vsrr/covid19/index.htm)

Multiply that by nine and the amount of grief walking around is staggering.

Within these statistics are also so many personal griefs within the statistics. Not being able to attend funerals, celebrations, travel to help out family members, students who lost two years of peer socialization and academics, people who lost jobs and housing. The losses are many and grave.

So, how do we move forward? How do we heal this soul wound and move forward? Can we grieve what was lost, while keeping the good that may have been gained by slowing down? The key is to do it mindfully. Move forward, yes, be busy if you find it helps, but dedicate some time to paying mindful respect to an unforgettable period in our lives.

As with all grief, ritual and reflection can help us with this. Now that you can travel, visit the family and perhaps memorials of those you may have lost. If you don’t know anyone personally, there are webpages dedicated to those who were lost. Visit them and pay respects.

In private, light a candle, say a prayer, acknowledge what the world has been through and your part in it. Perform some kind of service work in honor of those who died. Plant a tree or a garden to commemorate the years of lockdown, and to symbolize hope for the future.

Write about your own journey. How did lockdown effect you? Did it change you in any way? Did it change others in your circle? How did you handle the fear and anxiety of lockdown? Did you get Covid? What was that like for you, what were your emotions around it? Did your faith or beliefs change during this time? Do you have a new normal? Spend some time in deep reflection on this! Writing your own history during this time will be fascinating for your descendants to read some day as well!

Sometimes, we simply need to acknowledge what we’ve been through. And we have all been through a lot. Not as much as first responders and front-line workers, who showed up and cared for us no matter the risk to their own health! Saints one and all. But still, as a collective, we have been through a lot!

So take a moment today to connect with your soul. Breathe in, place your hand on your heart, and let yourself grieve. It’s okay. It was a lot. Feel it a little at a time. Then take another breath and fill your lungs with courage and faith. Here is a guided meditation for you to try.

Today I quiet my mind, taking a moment to acknowledge what I have lived through. I know it’s something I will always carry, and I know it has changed me in ways seen and unseen. I recognize and accept the loss and grief of this human experience. I will seek some joy and gratitude today as I ask God to help me move forward mindfully, cognizant of the grief, and hopeful for better days.

Therapy as a Sacred Act

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“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.” ~ Joseph Campbell

Whatever is sacred to you can move you toward your truest self. It can open you to discover your truest purpose. Entering into a sacred space allows you to stop distracting yourself with the stuff of life, and center on what is important, and what is healing.

I’ve found this to also be true of psychotherapy. A course of therapy with a gifted clinician is an absolutely sacred act. It is intimate. It is soul-baring. It is getting to the raw marrow of your life and learning how it made you, and also what you may become. A good therapist helps you activate your own capacity to heal.

Before I go further into this, please know if you have suffered any abuse while in therapy or with a counselor of any kind, this article will obviously not speak to you. I wish you deep healing from any situation of that sort. I am honoring good therapy and therapists, and hoping that those thinking about going to therapy will be encouraged.

Entering into a sacred state is, to me, what we do when we start a journey into psychotherapy. We come into presence with another entity whose sole purpose is to receive us unconditionally, look at our wounds with compassion, offer tools and comfort for healing, and encourage us to see ourselves as worthy and capable. In many ways, therapy is teaching us to see ourselves as God sees us, and use that vision to effect change.

Therapy, to me, can be likened to a sacred act in these ways: it requires a safe space, trust, ritual, and surrender.

“The soul is the sacred space where my head and heart meet, where God lives.” ~  Brene Brown

A good therapist creates a safe and sacred space where the client feels able to be open and honest. Your stories are safe with your therapist. (They are only required to share information if they determine you are a danger to yourself of someone else.) Stepping into your therapist’s office should feel like stepping into a sanctuary, where you are accepted exactly as you are. This feeling takes time to build between client and healer, but once established, it becomes a space with its own energy and dynamic that exists only between the two of you. Perhaps like your own private relationship with God, this safe space is where you find relief and release.

This safe space is not established without trust. Trust, of course, takes time, and is built by your therapist truly listening, remembering from session to session what you’re working on, and also being clear with boundaries for both of you. There must be a solid foundation of trust for real therapeutic work to take place. One of the ways therapists build trust is with almost a sacred contract, that during your time together they will be reverently dedicated to you and your healing. Like a prayer, you can lay your burdens down and trust you will be supported in your struggle.

“Ritual cuts through and operates on everything besides the ‘head’ level.” ~ Aiden Kelly

Therapy also has a ritual aspect to it that rings of something sacred. The same time, each week, is set apart for the specific activity of healing the self. New things are brought and discussed and discovered, but the time, the space, the people are the same and that sameness also builds the trust and feelings of safety so crucial to the ability to be open and honest with your therapist. Keeping the routine, trying to keep the appointment at the same time and day each week is an important ritual. Ritual helps us relax into the unknown by providing solid ground to rely on.

“There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou

Finally, surrender is crucial, both in therapy and in the realm of the sacred. We know when life brings us to our knees in total surrender, that is where we often find God. We surrender to the process life has in store for us and give our troubles over to be healed, our weary souls to be soothed. So it is in therapy. We surrender the hidden, the unspeakable, the ugliest memories, the darkness. We speak it out loud so it may be heard and healed. By giving it over, and giving it a voice, it becomes manageable. But not until we surrender it into capable hands. Surrender brings relief.

If you’ve worked with a good therapist, I’m sure this resonates with you. If you’ve been thinking about entering therapy, that’s a good sign that you should explore it. And if it helps you to think of it as a sacred act you can do for yourself, to bring yourself closer to a healed vision you’re holding onto, then enter that sanctuary and exhale. Breathe out what you’ve been holding and find healing.

Victoria McGee

1/28/23

Breath is Everything, Everything is Breath

planet-4872299_1920“The fact is, that we are being breathed.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

The breath.

It is our first act outside the womb, and our final act as well. With our first breath, our life begins and our bodies miraculously continue to perform this function automatically, without much thought from us, for the rest of our life. And anything that does not require much thought, is prime for being taken for granted.

 As 2020 has unfolded, the central theme I keep coming back to is breath. There are many issues in the world, but issues of the breath have moved to the forefront. I see it in climate change, Covid-19, and fallen brother George Floyd. It’s all about breathing, and not being able to breathe.

 Throughout history, mystics and sacred teachings refer to the soul as breath, often using these terms interchangeably. In some languages, they are the same word – prana, spiritus, ruach, hu. Breathing connects us to ourselves, our soul, and those around us.

“One conscious breath in and out is a meditation.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Recent research has taught us the Earth itself has “lungs.” Millions of lung-like structures on leaves allow plants to take in carbon dioxide and return to us life-saving oxygen. But we’re currently pouring more CO2 into the sky than the plants can keep up with. Humans have put the earth in a choke-hold, and the planet cannot breathe.  

The deforestation of the Earth, which has caused a great reduction in the planet’s breathing function, has a direct correlation to Covid-19. A study by Stanford shows us that as humans continue to wreak havoc on natural habitats to turn them into agricultural land, we will continue to see an increase in animal to human viruses. Usually, these lands are deforested to either grow food for livestock or to raise livestock for human consumption.

We are choking the Earth for hamburgers.

“Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.” ~ Gary Snyder

Which brings me to Covid-19. In our lifetime, we have not seen such a virus that attacks the body so relentlessly and so horrifically. A shortage of ventilators early on told us this is a virus that threatens our very breath, our prana, our spiritus. Those deeply and personally affected by it speak of having no breath. Their breathing becomes anything but automatic, requiring complete attention and effort, and it’s still not enough. I can’t imagine a more frightening feeling. Those not personally affected are told to stay home for their own safety and the safety of others. And do what? For many of us, it became a reminder to slow down and breathe.  

In public, we wear masks. Our breath, though precious, is suspect. I could have the virus, you could have the virus, the cashier could have the virus. We’re grateful to be out, but sometimes it’s hard to breathe behind the mask. (Tell that to doctors and nurses in full PPE.) 

Like a meditation, we were comfortable with that for a short time, but then we got restless. We upped our heart rate, shortened our breaths, and got eager to return to “normal” life. But at our core, we know, don’t we? We know we can’t go back.  

“The link between you and God is through the breath of life,” ~ Yogi Bhajan 

Which brings us to the heartbreak of George Floyd, robbed of his breath by hatred and a long-broken system. His death, his cry for breath, was too much for a world already gasping for air. We can’t go back. We won’t go back. We must breathe into the change that is coming. We must breathe life into the protests. We cannot take breathing for granted any longer. We must breathe for the planet, for those on ventilators, and for George and the long-overdue systemic change that is happening. 

“We have to learn to live our life as a human being deeply. We need to learn to live each breath deeply, so that we have peace, joy and freedom as we breathe.” ~ Thich Nhat Hahn

The ultimate truth and realization we must come to is that we are all one organism. If one cannot breathe, the whole will suffer, the whole will eventually be gasping for air. We cannot shortchange the Earth its pulmonary function and expect to not be affected. We cannot ignore this virus, but must learn how to live for a time with it, caring enough for our fellow humans to wear masks and socially distance for as long as it takes. And we cannot turn our backs on an entire race that has cried out for the freedom to breathe, to be equal, to be shown respect, demanding change so that one day those freedoms will be taken for granted, like breathing.  

So breathe, if you can. Breathe with purpose, breathe with compassion, and breathe for those who cannot.  

But remember to put on your own oxygen mask first.

 

You are Still Beloved.

 

Victoria McGee

 

6/10/20

Covid-19 and Collective Trauma

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The paradox of trauma is that it has both the power to destroy and the power to transform and resurrect.” – Peter A. Levine

Lately, I’ve been conscious of trauma as it applies to society. Due to the outbreak of Covid-19, the world is currently in a state of collective trauma. Collective trauma refers to the psychological reactions to a traumatic event that can affect an entire society. For most of us, our daily way of life has drastically changed in the last few weeks. Freedoms and income have been reduced, and we are in a constant low-grade state of fear.

When a society experiences a collective trauma, such as 9/11, mass shootings, natural disasters, etc., our routines and relationships, those things that anchor us to our society are disrupted in such a way that it can leave us struggling to reclaim the purpose of our lives. In some ways, this can lead to a positive re-prioritizing of what is truly important. In other ways, it can leave us grasping for meaning and feeling hopeless.

For those of us already dealing with PTSD, this collective trauma can trigger other traumas to rise to the surface. We may find we are having trouble sleeping, nightmares, generalized anxiety, or hyper-vigilance may be rearing their heads again. Others may find they are having a surprisingly calm reaction to all this, as being in a trauma state is not strange to us, and we feel able to function in this state better than others.

Traumatic events can trigger past traumas, and who among us has not experienced some level of trauma? So we as a society have this huge collective trauma and our own historical traumas slamming us all at once. It’s a lot to deal with and process! And we’re confined either with partners, family, friends, or alone. Being alone can be most challenging as there is no distraction from your own thoughts.

If you’ve been feeling some of this, the dis-ease that has been engendered by this disease, there are practices you can undertake to ease the trauma response. We must regularly engage in self-care, find comfort in spiritual practice, stay connected to our tribe, and begin to reframe our relationship to historical trauma.

“Radical self-care is what we’ve been longing for, desperate for, our entire lives – friendship with our own hearts.” ~ Anne Lamott

Self-care is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Stay centered and grounded as much as you can in whatever way works for you. Exercise, yoga, meditation, bubble baths, reading, and creative expression will connect you to your center. We cannot face this event coming from a place of scattered emotions and thoughts. Limit your news to a single check-in every day to keep from going down the black hole of information saturation. Go outside and find a place to connect to nature. None of these things cost money and can help you find some balance amidst the chaos.

If you have a spiritual practice, there is no better time to enhance and build upon it. Read, study, pray, and fill your soul with comfort, fill your mind with faith. Read the inspired words of those who have overcome darkness. Viktor Frankl, Elie Wiesel, and Mother Teresa, for example, are inspiring in their ability to hold onto faith in the midst of great suffering. Turn to your spiritual practice at this time to help you hold onto your faith, and to get a glimpse of the big picture. The world has survived many traumas and will survive this one as well.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor E. Frankl

In these times, we must find a way to stay connected to our tribe. Facetime, Zoom, Marco Polo, social media and good old fashioned phone calls are our life-lines now. Resist the urge to isolate, to avoid the changes we’re all adjusting to, and reach out. Write letters, send cards, connect with people you’ve been meaning to re-connect with. You have time, and everyone needs to hear from the people they treasure.

Lastly, start to reframe your relationship to historical trauma. If we are here, we have survived trauma, personal, ancestral, historical, and collective. This means we are resilient and we have developed coping skills that not everyone has. We know how to self-calm, self-care, rise above, forgive, and even help others. Build on the resilience you’ve developed thus far! We are strong, flexible, wise souls and our energies are needed in this crisis.

               “We can make ourselves miserable or we can make ourselves strong.                    The amount of effort is the same.” – Pema Chodron

We are in a state of collective trauma. So let us attempt to join in collective healing, first by taking good care of ourselves, then by contributing to healing the energy of the planet. We all need the energies of compassion, positivity, balance, and calm right now. Let’s practice this in our daily lives and see what healers we are.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

3/20/2020

Sharing an insightful poem

I came across this poem called “Angry at God” and thought it would be helpful to many of us who have been through all kinds of trauma. It was written by Pastor Steve Garnaas-Holmes. His website is http://www.unfoldinglight.net.

 

Angry at God

         My complaint is bitter;
God’s hand is heavy despite my groaning.
… I would lay my case before God,
and fill my mouth with arguments.
… But on the left God hides, and I cannot behold God;
I turn to the right, but I see nothing.

              —Job 23.2, 4, 9

How could God let terrible things happen?
OK, get it out. Say it.
God, you’re a failure.

God can take it.
They’ve heard worse.

Now, what do you mean “let things happen?”
Should there be no suffering? No mistakes? No freedom?
Should God control every little thing?
No? Only the ones you choose?
Or by some obscure formula?
Only if you’re good enough, or pray right?
Please, don’t go there.

Stuff happens. Germs happen. Earthquakes happen.
Evil happens. People who hurt do awful things.
You know, don’t you, God does do something about that.
God has sent you to heal, to do justice.

But who do you think God is anyway? Some guy?
God is not a person. God is Love.
Not just a loving person, but Love Itself.
The Divine Energy, the Heart of All Things,
not some guy at a control panel.
Love manipulates nothing but changes everything.
Love is the gravity, the light, the Oneness,
the air in which everything unfolds.
Even loss. Even evil.
Your very anger at God is God, loving, longing.

When you look and can’t find God
you’re looking for a guy.
Stop. Look for Love.
Love isn’t “somewhere.” Love is,
weeping, singing, pouring forth in the darkness.
Let even your rage be love.
Let go of complaining about the darkness,
and let the light pour.

October 9, 2018

We Who are Never Not Broken

 

   108c422f971b4a0bf73376756c83d9d2-rimg-w608-h720-gmir“Between each wrinkle is a warrior, wounded but willing to show up. Underneath scars are soldiers fighting struggle and stigma. Life’s battles mark us, yet build us.” ~Dan Phillips

Years ago, I was trying to offer counsel to a young man who had returned from the war in Afghanistan and was suffering from PTSD. His life was upside down, and treatment felt extremely slow to him. He desperately wanted me to give him a time frame for when he would feel better. He asked me how long it would take to feel normal again.

I didn’t have the words then to tell him he would never feel “normal” again, but that would be okay. His experience and his healing would integrate into a new normal if he kept up with treatment and focused on the process of healing, rather than the outcome. I did tell him healing was different for everyone and impossible to put a time frame on; so keep going to therapy, keep working at healing, and ask for God’s help. I often wonder how he is doing.

I thought of him recently when I learned about a Hindu goddess called Akhilandeshwari. Translated from Sanskrit, her name is commonly referred to as “she who is never not broken.” Akhilanda means never not broken. Eshvari refers to a supreme ruler. It is understood among her believers that the brokenness is exactly what makes Akhilandeshwari strong. She is depicted as riding a crocodile across a lake, a symbol of not only conquering fear, but using it to get to the next stage.

As soon as I read about this goddess, it resonated with me. Yes, I am never not broken. A part of me will always feel broken as trauma’s wounds are deep, cutting to the core of our being. However, that wound is exactly what makes me a warrior, a writer, a healer, and a messenger. The brokenness gives me my power. The wound sent me deeper to God.

“God uses our wounds in beautiful ways, to heal our souls of deeper maladies.”

~ Jennifer Clarke

I invite you to take a moment to try to shift your thoughts about this trauma, this wound you carry. First, acknowledge that it will always be with you, it is always part of you. You may not think of it very often, or you may still be newly healing and it is ever-present. I invite you to accept it as part of you, rather than wishing it away. Accept that it is as much a part of you as your heart or lungs. It just is.

Now take a deep breath as you allow this wound to be part of you. Feel a softening around the trauma, and your thoughts about it. Honor the healing you’ve already done and feel the tremendous power around that. The power and wisdom you’re gaining could not have come about any other way. Only through the healing of the wound.

Take another deep breath and as you exhale feel the marriage of these thoughts. 

I am never not broken.  

This means I am always healing.  

This means I am building strength and faith and power

   beyond who I was before.

                   

This simple exercise can help us acknowledge our wound, and start to see the gifts in it. Just as mending an object often makes it stronger than before, so mending our wounds makes us stronger than before.

“A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.”     ~ Carly Simon

Part of healing trauma and PTSD is, of course, effective therapy. If your trauma is fresh (or if it is old and you never really looked at it), you need therapy to truly deal with it. I can’t stress this enough. My purpose is simply to give you spiritual tools with different ways of looking at your trauma, to invite God in to your healing process. 

Let us march forward as “we who are never not broken” knowing that is what empowers us, for the best healers are those who have been healed. We are an army of faith and love.

                                “Don’t moan that you’re broken, be happy that you can break                                so that you can continuously remake yourself.”  ~ Shivali Bhammer

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

September 9, 2018

Releasing Emotions in the Body

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“The body is the most reliable truth meter.”  ~ Adyashanti

Recently, I found myself in tears during a yoga class. It was near the end, and as I tried to keep my face down and roll up my mat, I felt the teacher come and stand near me, lending supportive energy as she chatted with another student. I knew she had noticed my upset and probably recognized it for what it was – a healthy release!

As the teacher had recently explained, certain poses, especially hip openers, can release emotions we’ve been holding onto. Fear, trauma, grief, anxiety, depression – all these murky feelings get stuffed down from our eyes when we do not cry, our throats when we do not scream, our hearts when they are broken, and settle in our hips.

That day, I was overwhelmed with grief about my father, who passed nine months ago. So although I understand the stages of grief will go on for a while, and the feelings of sadness were not daily anymore, my body released more grief in that class, and I felt better because of it.

Yoga teachers and massage therapists will tell you they see this all the time. Our bodies are silos, storing all of our past experiences and present worries. When we are able to find ways to release, in supportive environments, we let go of some of that stored “grain.” Combining physical attunement with a more neutral, relaxed mental state allows these emotions to be liberated.

“If we do not work on all three levels – body, feeling, mind – the symptoms of our distress will keep returning, as the body goes on repeating the story stored in its cells until it is finally listened to and understood.” ~ Alice Miller

In this quote, Alice Miller is expressing what science is coming to understand. Peter Levine, Ph.D. (In An Unspoken Voice), and Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. (The Body Keeps the Score) research, explore and write about the evidence that much of our trauma is held in our bodies, and with this knowledge lies hope for releasing it as well!   

Just think about how much we hold in. We are taught from a young age to hold. We hold onto uncomfortable emotions caused by abuses and traumas we suffer as children, showing the world a face that says everything is okay. We hold it together as we grow, facing cruelty at school, disappointments and broken hearts. We hold our breath, sometimes not daring to breathe deeply out of fear or sorrow, sometimes not breathing at all if the terror or grief is too great. We hold still, not wanting to call attention to what we see is our broken self. We hold back tears – so many tears that we are certain we would drown those around us if we let them go.

A law of physics would tell us that this holding has to release at some point. And we see it around us in all its unhealthy forms – illness (turning it inward) and violence (turning outward). The challenge then, for us, is to find healthy ways to release it from our physical being.

Yoga, massage, reiki, and other forms of healing are effective but can be costly. You can also find release in a soothing bath, an intense workout, vigorous dancing, tactile art, or a project that requires physical exertion. There are many ways to loosen what you are holding onto. Find what feels right for you, and know that different kinds of emotions may need different kinds of release.

“The cure for the pain is in the pain.” ~ Rumi

When it comes to releasing what we are holding onto, we must also allow ourselves to be held where it is safe. If you have a supportive partner, let that person hold you while you cry and release. Being held by the right person for the right purpose is profoundly healing.

And most importantly, in your own private space allow yourself to be held in God’s love, wrapped up in Divine comfort, and sink down into that place where only Love exists, and let go. God will hold you, God will hold space with you for all those feelings and God will eventually help you up.

“Love falls to earth, rises from the ground, pools around the afflicted. Love pulls people back to their feet. Bodies and souls are fed. Bones and lives heal. New blades of grass grown from charred soil. The sun rises.” ~ Anne Lamott

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

June 29, 2018

Radical Acceptance

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                       “Radical acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves                                 and our lives as it is.” ~ Tara Brach

In searching for images and quotes for this blog, I recently came across this photo – barbed wire with a tree growing around it. I resonated with it immediately. Because the sufferings of life become part of us, don’t they? Our pain, our trauma, our PTSD, our grief – healing doesn’t mean it goes away, it means we learn how to grow with it and in spite of it.

Like the tree, we are impelled to grow. The tree continues to grow in spite of everything that happens to it, short of being cut down. So do we, hopefully, continue to grow in spite of what happens to us. We have a choice, of course. We can stop where the barbed wire entered our life, we can remain stuck there, allowing it to twist our trunk and ignore or delay healing. Or we can accept that barbed wire, feel the full effects of it, and figure out how the very act of acceptance helps us grow stronger.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~ Haruki Murakami

Trees, especially old trees, are just so solid, so fierce and stately. If I think of myself as a tree, I see all the elements of growth that I also need.

Deep roots: I need the deep roots of grounding myself daily. Connecting myself to the earth, to the solid ground under me, so my mind doesn’t take off running to scary places. When I place myself in a grounded state, I am tree-like. I can bend with the wind without losing my footing. I stand firmly within myself. I feel the solid support of God and Mother Earth holding me up and anchoring me down. Fierce. Stately.

Water: I need nourishment to those roots so I can grow. Nourishment comes in the form of self-care, love, friends, and daily connection to the Divine through prayer and meditation. When I “water” myself, I grow, I heal. It seeps up through every cell and connects me to myself, to others, and to God. I am nourished. I am fed.

Air: Did you know there’s a photosynthesis of the soul? We breathe in faith, (you sometimes can’t see it, but breathe it in anyway), and breathe out doubt and fear. God is the oxygen we need to heal and to grow. Breathe in Divine air, breathe out the toxins we keep inside. And like carbon dioxide, God will take those toxins and transform them into more oxygen, more healing. We must keep breathing and breathe deeply!

Light: The tree needs the sun as we need God’s light. But rather than shining down on us, we find it by looking within. When we ignite that light within, it warms us and puts a balm on our wounds. When we ignite that light within, it speeds us on our healing path. Miraculously, when we ignite that light within, it shines out and warms those around us.

New Growth: Each time I reach a new place of healing, a new level of forgiveness, I feel a new branch grow. I feel leaves sprouting forth. As I encompass, envelop and send love to the barbed wire, I swell toward the sky, branches reaching up, drinking in the sun, arms open to receive God’s gifts. When we invite God on our healing path, new growth is inevitable, and we expand in our own individual way because of the wound, because of the barbed wire. Fierce. Stately.

“When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope.” ~ Henri Nouwen

So let’s be this tree today. Let’s use and honor these elements of deep roots, water, air, light and new growth. Wounded with barbed wire, but accepting that it’s part of us.

It’s a thorny pain, and sometimes it still hurts, but it’s part of our path and the choices we have and will make. I own this barbed wire. I am who I am because of it, and for that I am grateful. It has made me turn to God over and over, grow in faith and forgiveness, and it has made me fierce and stately.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

04/28/2018