“If you don’t make peace with your past, it will keep showing up in your present.” ~ Wayne Dyer
Making peace with the past, with our memories, is such a crucial factor in healing. Being able to look back somewhat objectively at traumatic events in our past is something we strive for. We don’t always get there, but we keep trying. To be able to say without upset, “Yes, that happened. But now I am here,” is empowering and affirming.
Recently, I moved back to the state where I lived during my 20s. I am within driving distance from where I lived when I was sexually assaulted. Recently, I had occasion to be in that neighborhood, near that apartment. I had not been by it in 35 years. When I moved out, I never went back, needing to stay away from it. I wondered how it would impact me to see it again after all this time. So I drove by.
Why did I feel compelled to do this? I wasn’t looking for drama or to be triggered. It has been a very long time. I think I was simply curious. How would it compare to my memory? How would I feel seeing it?
I knew the name of the street but didn’t remember the address, only the general area. I drove straight to it like no time had passed. I found the building, looking much the same as it did 3 decades ago, and drove down the little alley that ran alongside the bottom floor apartments. I found my old apartment and drove by slowly, seeing the interior in my mind as I did so. The porch was filled with belongings of the current resident, bicycles and boogie boards. But it looked much the same.
And I felt…nothing. I think I had been expecting some kind of emotional reaction, but I truly just felt a little curious and very objective. As I made my long drive home, I wondered why I was so unaffected by seeing the apartment. It has been a long time, and I’ve done SO much work to heal what happened there. But the greater truth I came upon is realizing that the trauma isn’t part of the building. It’s only part of me.
The gift God gave me that day was truly seeing how we make associations and assign feelings to places and time periods that are not actually part of that place or time. The associations and feelings don’t exist apart from us. We truly carry it all with us; the good and the bad.
“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.” ~ Brene Brown
The building is just a building. It holds whatever memory or feeling I assign to it. I don’t need the building to be triggered, or feel sad or scared. I can conjure that up on my own with a single thought, wherever I am in time and space. The boogieman doesn’t live there, he lives in my mind and memory. Much like a childhood home can hold triggers and memories both good and bad, those feelings aren’t part of the house – we carry them with us throughout our life.
A building can only hold what I give it. I see now that I had nothing left to put on that building. Nothing. And though I know I’m fully healed, this was even more evidence to me. If you’re struggling with healing from trauma, I hope this gives you hope. There will come a day when you are objective and curious and grateful and know that you are fully healed.
“Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it.” ~ Ram Dass
I also don’t mean to take away from those of us who do need to revisit a place to make peace with it or find closure of some kind. Our healing processes are so unique to each of us individually, so I completely validate the need one may have to return to a location to move the healing along. Because looking at a past event can be like looking through a lens that is out of focus. A bit dim, blurry, with little detail. But in physically revisiting, we can pull the memory into focus, see it more clearly, and take another step in healing.
Where are your memories? Where do you need to make peace with the past? The gift we are given is the knowledge we can do that anywhere. We don’t have to go to the place or sit in a building, for it’s all within us; the past and the tools to heal it. When we ask the Divine for guidance we will be led to a place of healing and wholeness, and that place is within.
You are Still Beloved.