Category: Trust

Sometimes the wall is the way

by Victoria McGee, posted in faith, healing, self-care, spirituality, Trust
Photo by AD_Images on Pixabay

“Though we can’t always see it at the time, if we look upon events with some perspective, we see things always happen for our best interests. We are always being guided in a way better than we know ourselves.” ~ Swami Satchidananda

When I was much younger, there was a popular quote going around: “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” My friends and I applied this with great ferocity to relationships at the time, and it actually does make sense. Often, the tighter we try to hold onto something or someone, the more we push them away. The simple truth is we can never open the door to new love or new opportunities if we are still beating our head against a wall.

Since I have some years to look back on, I can see now that unequivocally, the times I felt blocked or stuck in life had to happen for me to finally seek a new way. The wall I felt up against was providing me a chance to choose differently, reframe my thoughts, and find a new path. But sometimes it took me SO LONG to give it up! I would try to get around, through, under, over, paint a door, blast a window, massage that damn wall for far too long before giving up. Long after the Magic 8 Ball said “Outlook not so good!” And if I’d had to admit it to myself, my gut knew the truth. My gut knew I had to let go of whatever this dream was, or the next one could not begin.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~ Joseph Campbell

Even so, it’s all part of the process right? All those attempts to make things work taught me a lot about myself and others. It always taught me what I was and was not willing to compromise. It taught me to begin to trust myself and my ability to make decisions. And it ultimately taught me not to fight the wall quite as long the next time. Because the wall is always showing me the way.

“Be grateful that certain things didn’t work out. Sometimes you don’t even know what you’re being protected from or where you’re being guided to when you’re in the midst of chaos. That’s why you just have to trust that greater things are aligning for you. Let go gracefully.” ~ Idil Ahmed

In my life, I’ve seen this in work and in relationships. Years ago, feeling stuck as a school counselor I changed schools. Same job, different school, same wall. Plus, I felt really stuck because retirement was getting close and I had a pension and I’d paid into it and I thought I just had to stay there. But I lifted my eyes from the wall and threw myself on the mercy of the internet and other types of jobs. I ended up getting a job in Hawaii and moving and living there for four years, teaching speech and theatre, and was never happier with teaching than in my last years of it! My husband also benefited from this move and it enhanced our quality of life and relationship in untold ways! If I hadn’t been at the wall, I never would’ve found the way.

In relationships too, we often get to where we feel stuck. Feeling stuck and unhappy in my last marriage was a catalyst for my ex and I to get counseling, but ultimately decide to part.  I never would have had the opportunity to meet and marry my current husband of 20+ years if I had still been in a marriage that wasn’t right for me. My ex remarried and is also in a better fit for him. So again, the wall was the way for us to open to a better partner for each of us.  

“When suffering happens, it forces us to confront life in a different way than we normally do.” ~ Philip Yancey

Looking back at your life, notice those times when things just didn’t work out, no matter how hard you tried to make it work! Look at where you ended up after that. Maybe you’re not there yet, but can you see how the wall is providing the way by making you have to move on? Only in retrospect can we learn to trust this process. In looking back, I see that I never really gave up anything, except suffering. In giving up, I saw opportunities that I could not envision when I was  staring resentfully at the wall! Look up, turn around, give up, it’s ALL OK. A new path will appear. I promise.

“Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need.” ~ marcandangel

You Are Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

Oct. 26, 2021

Pandemic Progress – Healing the Collective Wound

by Victoria McGee, posted in brain, Covid-19, faith, Gabor Mate, healing, Leon Brown, neuroplasticity, Paulo Coelho, trauma, Trust

“Healing is not an overnight process; it is a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life.” ~ Leon Brown

I used to bide my time in quarantine wondering what life would be like when the pandemic was over. And though it’s not over, and in many regions, it is far from over, here in the United States there are glimmers of us coming out the other side. But what are we evolving into? It is becoming increasingly clear that we are not and will not ever go back to life as we knew it. Not completely.

As much as I like to imagine us all tiptoeing out of hiding like the Munchkins, with Glenda singing “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” followed by a happy chorus of “Ding Dong the pandemic is dead!” I know it’s going to be a lot messier and slower than that.

We have all been through a collective trauma, and trauma requires healing. Not healing on the back burner, but daily, active healing on the front burner. And it will not happen overnight. In her book, “The New Normal,” (highly recommend!) Dr. Jennifer Ashton compares the pandemic to an asteroid hitting Earth. That’s a good analogy. It’s a global catastrophe. It happened. It changed everything. And recovery from the fear, the monumental grief, and the loss of trust in the stability of life is something we will be healing from for a very long time.

Remember? Remember how we were just going along, living our lives, and then we heard rumors about a virus. “Oh, that’s happened before. They’ll get a handle on it, they always do.” And then, boom! Everything is closed. You must stay home. Wear a mask. Wear gloves. Wipe everything down. Wait, people are dying? How many? Oh my God. Oh my God.

And then the months of waiting, and surges, and horrific strains on our medical professionals, and farmworkers, and grocery store employees. Unbelievable images on the news, funerals on zoom if at all, loved ones sick and dying – alone.

And now here we are looking ahead to literally taking some deep breaths without masks. Getting vaccinated – moving forward. But where is forward? Where will these changes take us? Who will we be on the other side? Figuring out where we will end up depends on the care we take as we emerge.

“I think it’s important to realize that you can miss something, but not want it back.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Healing from the pandemic will be like healing any trauma. It will not be linear. It will be circular, up and down, two steps forward, three steps back. Slowly, slowly, trusting the world again. In our favor is the fact that we have survived thus far. We bring all that we have learned from the pandemic with us. We bring the gratitude, the healthier prioritizing, the appreciation of leisure and nature, the perfect simplicity of connecting with a friend, perhaps the self-knowledge we have gained.

As we move forward, we probably feel we can’t trust the future, but we know we can trust our own resilience. Look at what we have been through! Don’t underestimate it. Day to day it can feel sort of okay, but take a moment to really look at where we’ve been, what has been lost, and what has changed. Our resilience is stronger than ever. Our ability, individually and as a society, to adapt and change has never been challenged so tangibly in our lifetime. We have risen to the call. We have helped neighbors, worked food banks, stayed connected, grieved with each other, and cried and held each other up. We have prayed like never before.

We have also learned who and what we can trust in outside of ourselves, and this alone could be vastly different than before the pandemic. These are not light lessons. These are life lessons, deep and long-lasting, and we couldn’t have come to them any other way.

We have truly formed new neural pathways in our brains by surviving this era. Pathways that help us heal trauma, that help us tolerate change and adapt to it, and that will help us achieve our new normal.

“All of Western medicine is built on getting rid of pain, which is not the same as healing. Healing is actually the capacity to hold pain.” ~ Gabor Matè

The healing will be slow. It will take time to learn to trust being with others again. We will definitely tiptoe into this world, not like Munchkins, but like the wounded beings we are, cautious but oh, so hopeful! Although we won’t return to exactly the way things were before, we have the opportunity to build back differently, perhaps more carefully and more thoughtfully than ever before. I’m not ready to hold hands for this, but I will walk beside you.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

5/14/21

“You Are on the Fastest Route”

by Victoria McGee, posted in A Course in Miracles, Dalai Lama, eckhart tolle, faith, God, healing, Iyanla Vanzant, Marianne Williamson, spirituality, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized

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“It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty.” ~ Dalai Lama

I have done a lot of driving lately with my car GPS turned on, helping me navigate and stay aware of what may lie ahead. Every time you head out on a new route, Siri politely assures you that, “You are on the fastest route.” In case we were thinking about a side street, or thinking we know better, Siri assures us it’s all under control. We can just sit back and drive.

Every time I hear that message I think of my spiritual life. There have been so many times in life when the lessons have come so fast and hard that I begged God for mercy, just a little breathing room, just a little time to REST. But I firmly believe this life is a large schoolyard where we are given lesson after lesson, as we are ready for them, in order to grow our souls. So I know that I am given what I can handle when I can handle it. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

“The challenges we face in life are always lessons that serve our soul’s growth.”    ~ Marianne Williamson

Lessons come at us in many forms. It can be a small, gentle reminder, or a painful trauma. I’ve observed the resulting growth is in direct proportion to the magnitude of the lesson. For example, if I’m having some kind of pity party, God will put in front of me someone who is much worse off – a reminder to be grateful and do what I can to help others. On the other hand, having survived a traumatic attack, the lessons contained in regaining my self, conquering crippling fear, gaining a deep understanding of forgiveness, and moving forward in life with courage and faith are lessons I could not have learned as quickly in any other way. My faith in this process is as much a part of me now as breathing.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love this quote from Eckhart Tolle because it is so simple and straightforward and implies such trust in the unfolding of the Universe and our place in it! We are always on the fastest route if this is true. We cannot help but be in the right place at the right time.

Many times in the midst of an experience, especially something around loss, trauma or pain, we naturally don’t want to be there. We want it to end, to get better, or change in some way. This is a natural fight or flight response. It is only as we recover, as we heal and as we turn to God, that we can see the reasons things happened the way they did. The lessons are not apparent in the moment, only in reflection.

“Regardless of how hard, challenging, frightening, or difficult experiences may seem, everything is just as it needs to be in order for us to heal, grow and learn.”                      ~ Iyanla Vanzant

However much we may want to avoid the learning, or skip out on lessons, they are necessary for our growth. It’s only human to want to avoid pain – even Jesus asked that “this cup be taken from me.” But we know we must walk through the experience for a lesson to be fully realized and integrated.

We are on the fastest route – but how do we get through the moments of pain and challenge? Trust. It always comes down to Trust. Trust in the Strength of God to sustain you through life’s darkest hours. Trust that the path you are on is truly the fastest route to your enlightenment. Trust that God will send you people, places and pets that will serve to hold you up and heal you when needed. Trust in the mighty life force energy within you, trust that it is part of God, part of all the good in the Universe, and a force of Love.

“God never uses anyone greatly until he tests them deeply.” ~ A.W. Tozer

We must believe that a slower curriculum would not serve us, so let us try to trust every day that we are on the fastest route. And let’s buckle up – it has been and will continue to be a bumpy ride. Find good companions for the trip, and know God is behind the wheel.

You are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

March 7, 2019

THAT HORRIBLE “T” WORD – TRUST

by Victoria McGee, posted in Buddha, domestic violence, faith, healing, Pema Chodron, PTSD, rape, recovery, spirituality, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized

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“If you’re invested in security and certainty, you are on the wrong planet,”                                                      ~Pema Chodron

Trust. It can be so hard to get to that place. If you’ve been a victim of a traumatic event, it’s even more difficult. The very ground you stood on and the world you had constructed as orderly and dependable, the world you felt safe in, flipped on its head. Nothing is reliable. Nothing can be trusted.

Over time, as we heal, we take baby steps toward trusting again. Isn’t that beautiful? The human heart, ripped open and hurting, will always bend toward love, toward trusting again. We slowly re-construct our world again. It’s as if we’re building a staircase, then gingerly trying out each step to make sure it will hold.

Of course, we are tested. People change or let us down, jobs change, people die, accidents happen. Trust is challenged. This is true for everyone, but for those with PTSD these life events can be extra challenging. They can trigger our need for protection.

I’ve been feeling vulnerable lately. My life feels like it’s on shaky ground as I am moving soon (a big move) and not certain where I’ll land exactly. I even had a couple of nightmares about being in an earthquake! I find when I feel vulnerable like this, it triggers my monkey brain back into hyper-vigilance. The need to control, to protect myself, and to know what’s happening next can become all-consuming. I lie awake at night, my mind spiraling out to all the possible outcomes I can imagine. Sound familiar?

My niece posted recently about toddlers needing a reliable routine. Is it really that necessary? I commented on her post that it’s because their world gets exponentially bigger every day, and it’s exciting, but they need the routine to feel safe and secure. This feels true of me in my healing as well. Throughout my life, since the trauma, when things get shaky in my life, even if it’s positive change, I start to panic and lose sleep, trying to control outcomes and even people. My routine is off, there’s nothing I can put my trust in.

This is true, there is nothing tangible I can put my trust in. There is only God. Once I remember to turn to God, to trust in God, the panic begins to calm. My protective shell begins to soften. I start to relax, to look for the lessons, the gifts inherent in the chaos.

“No matter who you are or what you do, the ground is always shaky. And, the really good news is that shaky ground is fertile ground for spiritual awakening.”                                                  ~Pema Chodron

As Pema Chodron states, shaky ground is fertile ground for spiritual awakening! If our trust was never tested, if our routines were never interrupted, how would we grow in faith? It is in those moments when we choose God that our faith is strengthened, our trust is emboldened, and our capacity for Love expands.

So I invite you to join me as I daily remind myself to let go, be at peace with the chaos, and trust that the Divine walks with me every step of this way. We must remember each moment to turn and take the hand of God as we walk. This is how we build trust. By not relying on ourselves or things of this world, but on the Divine Love of God. Choose God. Trust God. Find Peace.

“Faith isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice to trust God even when the road ahead seems uncertain.”            ~ Dave Willis

You Are Still Beloved.

Victoria McGee

August 4, 2017