How Faith Helps Us Build Capacity

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“I found it strange, yet perfectly balanced, that I needed my wounds to heal my faith, and my faith to heal my wounds.” ~ Rumi

Building capacity has become a buzz-word within organizations the last decade, seeping into other areas like physical and mental health. When I first heard the phrase about ten years ago, I found it confusing, seeing the word “capacity” as a measurement of volume! Of course its root is the word “capable” and that’s what helped me get less confused. Building capacity means building capability.

Formally, capacity building is the process of developing the skills, knowledge, tools and resources an individual or organization needs to be able to function effectively, sustainably, and adapt to change. This applies to constant growth and learning, challenging yourself and reflecting on your progress. I think, most importantly, it’s about developing resources. One of those resources for me is my faith.

It’s tricky when we seek to blend faith with mental health.  Previously, both Freud and Skinner disparaged reliance on religion or faith, seeing it as a weakness. However, research is showing that for some, a spiritual belief system is not just important to their mental health, it just might be an undervalued resource.

In the Handbook of Adult Resilience (edited by John W. Reich, Alex J. Zautra, and John Stuart Hall, 2010), researchers note “(Religion) may establish a foundational meaning system that orders the individual’s understanding of the universe and particular events.” In other words, our faith can help us make sense of events, perhaps leading us to meaning-making sooner rather than later when we go through dark times.

One criticism of faith held by Freud was that it was a crutch, something people leaned on to avoid meeting an issue or catastrophe head on. However, in the Handbook of Adult Resilience, a summary concludes, “These studies make clear that religious people do not generally bury their heads in the sand or wait helplessly for someone else to solve their problems. In contrast to these stereotypes, the empirical evidence suggests that religious people are generally actively engaged in dealing with their personal tribulations. Moreover, their religiousness may enhance such efforts.”

“When we reach the limits of our own strength, and courage, something unexpected happens. We find reinforcement coming from a source outside of ourselves. And in the knowledge that we are not alone, that God is on our side, we manage to go on.” ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

The research also showed positive results in aspects of resilience and in spiritual transformation. They found that as these resources of faith sustained people in times of trouble, their certitude that faith is a valuable tool grows. In short, people showed that faith strengthened stress-related growth! Faith actually helps us build capacity. It helps us deal, and it helps us adapt, and it helps us grow.

I only cite these findings to uphold my own personal experience. That when I’m literally brought to my knees by life events, I have found my faith to be a source of comfort and strength, simultaneously being held AND pushed to grow!

In our old house, there was a short hallway with closets on both sides between the primary bedroom and the bathroom. Three times in my life I have completely surrendered in that spot, wailing with grief and anger and despair. Even after we remodeled that area, I went to the same spot, because it had been sanctified by my tears. My complete surrender, (dumping out all the emotion, crying out to God all the questions and all the accusations and all the anguish), cleansed my spirit and allowed a kind of grace to come in that wasn’t possible when I was holding so tightly to my desolation. Then, my faith begins to comfort me.

Where do I find faith? Personally, I find it in writings from great spiritual teachers, and in nature. You might find it solely in the Bible or the Koran, or wherever your heart is touched. If you have trouble with religion and faith feels elusive, turn to nature. Nature continues despite everything. Seeds become trees, insects busy themselves composting and pollinating, mountains stand for centuries. There is comfort in that continuation. You, also, will continue.

As a child, my family would often go camping in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. I remember even as a little girl being so in awe of the grandeur of the mountains and the perfection of nature. I felt one with the earth and the nature surrounding me. It gave me knowledge I have carried with me; that things may go horribly wrong, there may be enormous grief, or earth-shattering trauma, but if I am of nature, I will persist.

When I look back over my life, I see how I constantly, sometimes subconsciously, kept building that resource of faith. Bad things do happen to good people. Bad things just happen. Faith can help us through those times and become a reliable tool in our box of resources. I just have to remember to bring that tool out first, and it will support my other resources on the journey.

Every time we face a difficulty we have a choice. The opportunity is there to build capacity and to develop belief in our own capability to deal, adapt, and grow. I encourage you to bring faith into that process.

“People who pray for miracles usually don’t get miracles, any more than children who pray for bicycles, good grades, or good boyfriends get them as a result of praying. But people who pray for courage, for strength to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what they have left instead of they have lost, very often find their prayer answered.” ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

The Mosaic of a Fractured Soul

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“Beautiful mosaics are made of broken pieces.” ~ Lori Jenessa Nelson

Trauma, grief, anxiety, the events of our lives often leave us feeling like our soul has been fractured. We feel scattered, like shattered pieces of ourselves have been chipped away and flung helter-skelter. We are broken.

No one gets through this life without experiencing devastation and loss. It’s part of the human experience, as much as joy, love and accomplishment. That doesn’t make it any easier. How do we find the strength and courage to pick up these pieces and try to put ourselves back together?

One piece at a time.

“You are not shattered; you are a breathtaking mosaic of the battles you have won and the love that you are.” ~ Unknown

One broken piece at a time we begin to see where each piece might fit. Even as we grieve for what is no longer whole, we eventually start to try to put our life back together. Of course, what we put back together is not the same. It will never be the same. But it can become a mosaic, a new, functional creation that will have its own beauty.

In my own life, after a profound event, it’s the simple things that start to put me back together. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower. Cup of coffee? Yes, I like coffee. “I’m a person who likes coffee – ah! there’s a piece of who I am. I’ll place it here.” Here’s my cat. Yes, my cat. “I’m a person who likes cats. This piece belongs here.”

And eventually, we get to acceptance of ALL the pieces. Grief? Yes, I’ve felt deep grief. “I am a person who has grieved profoundly. Oh look – this can actually fit here, and it’s part of the whole.” Trauma? Yes, I’ve experienced trauma. “I’ve been a victim of assault. (Do I have to include this piece?) Yes, because look what other pieces fall into place because of your healing. Yes, yes, include it all!”

“We are mosaics. Pieces of light, love, history, stars. Glued together with magic and music and words.” ~ Anita Krizzan

Ultimately the mosaic, like our entire being, is a composite of our entire life, and all of our experiences! We eventually place the good pieces right next to the bad pieces, like complementary colors on the color wheel. Because this is the whole of our human experience. The key is acceptance. If we don’t accept what has happened in our lives, we continue to beat our head against a wall asking “Why?” And the only answer is “Because you are alive, and shit happens.” We are on a planet full of terrible things happening all the time. The odds are we will be affected at some point. When we are, we need to grieve, cry, be angry, feel all the feelings, but then accept; this happened. Only then can the pieces start to look like a new pattern, a new hope.

“The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what it is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Constructing the mosaic of our experience is our life’s work. Sometimes we are re-shattered and must start over, and that mosaic will be different from the last, and so on until our last breath. Our souls were not made to lie scattered on the floor. Our souls were made to guide us to our healing, to our wholeness. Ask for guidance. God will show us where to start. Spirit will help us look back in awe at the mosaic of our life so far, and marvel at the beauty, the aching beauty of it.

“Hold fast to whatever fragments of love that exist, for sometimes a mosaic is more beautiful than an unbroken pattern.” ~ Dawn Powell

Victoria McGee

09/09/25

These Times Call for Grace

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“When to give grace? I’d rather stand before God knowing I loved others too much, than regretting I judged too harshly.” – Lysa Terkeurst

I live in America. The past ten years America has been divided, perhaps the most division since the Civil War. Neighbors turn on neighbors, family members are shunned, friends stop speaking, because of a difference of political ideologies. It can be argued that some of these ideologies are also differences in morals and principles. But the results are the same. We tear at the fabric of family and community.

But here’s something we need to remember: We are not all one thing.

I identify as a liberal. I’m definitely on the left side of the aisle. I also identify as spiritual, so I challenge myself daily to practice forgiveness, love, and grace. It’s not always easy, but when I call on grace, my eyes open in new ways.

I have beloved family members who are conservative. When I hear people say things like, “Anyone who voted for him should be shot” “Anyone who supports this administration is an idiot,” it profoundly hurts. Because I know these people. And they are not all one thing.

These people are not idiots. They are productive members of their community. They love their children and sacrifice for them. They are amazing, involved parents. They would run into a burning building to pull me out. They are funny and loving people. They gladden my heart when I see them.

Do I agree with their political choices? No. Do I like what I see this administration doing? Definitely not! But knowing these men and women, I cannot lump all conservatives into one miasma of ideology, one target of frustration and hate.

I must offer grace. And hope to receive grace in return.

“God simply keeps reaching down into the dirt of humanity and resurrecting us from the graves we dig for ourselves through our violence, our lies, our selfishness, our arrogance, and our addictions. And God keeps loving us back to life over and over.”- Nadia Bolz-Weber

God gives us grace over and over again. And we don’t have to do anything to receive it! We are all flawed and bend toward judgment and hate, but God keeps offering us grace. It is a holy gift, and we need to be more in touch with that gift. The more we notice and acknowledge it ourselves, the more we can offer it to others.

Look, the government is not going to do anything to heal our division, to open us up to the possibility that we are more alike than different. It has to come from us, from our hearts. We have to seek connection, plant those seeds and water them. I’m a writer, so I love solitude and I’m also basically shy, but this year I’ve made a solid effort to talk to everyone, smile at everyone, be kind to strangers, and it’s been so rewarding! People respond and we share a moment of connection that is beautiful! We as a people are hungering for human interaction! In person, not on a device!

Can we try to move forward not adding to the division, but trying to heal it? Can we remember that we are not all one thing? We are complex beings, making decisions out of a strange brew of life experiences, trauma, and too much information at our disposal. When we rise out of that, and truly look at another human, is it possible to offer them just a little grace?

I don’t have any answers, and I’m sure some will disagree with me, but I don’t see a way out of this that involves more hate and division. Not to say we shouldn’t get out and protest on behalf of those who have no voice, or to resist inhumane practices. But, if we want change, we have to come from a place of love, and grace, and understanding.


“To finally surrender ourselves to healing, we have to have three spaces opened up within us – and all at the same time: our opinionated head, our closed-down heart, and our defensive and defended body.” – Richard Rohr

Victoria McGee

July 26 2025

Staying Centered in Times of Chaos

“Respond from the center of the hurricane,

Rather than reacting from the chaos of the storm.” – George Mumford

Full disclosure, I’m writing this piece today for myself. Because I know these things; I have many tools at my disposal to keep me sane and grounded in these times, but on the days it’s all just too overwhelming I will forget my tools, or distract myself, or get sucked into despair and/or anger. So I need to remind myself how to stay centered, grounded and connected with Spirit in these challenging times.

Of course, base camp is meditation or prayer, whatever brings you into space with your soul, higher consciousness, the Universe, God, the Beloved. Get yourself daily to a quiet, private place, even if it’s in your mind. Here is where we can be soothed, and remember we are part of something much bigger than the latest headline. Here we can empty our mind of the input of the world, and open it to receive the input of Spirit. Here is where we can surrender, lay our worries and fear on the table, and receive comfort. Here is where we can truly BREATHE.

“A long, deep breath is the equivalent of a full stop

and the key to centering.” – Eric Maisel

Don’t underestimate the power of the breath.  As we center, employing a breathing practice that uses deep, belly breaths signals our parasympathetic nervous system that it’s safe to relax. Regulated breathing stimulates the vagus nerve which lowers your stress responses. With practice, quieting the mind, tuning in to Spirit, and deep breathing can return you to a state of centeredness within minutes. Keeping a regular practice can be difficult with the distractions all around us, but the more often we practice, the quicker we can return to a state of calm when we really need it!

Another tool I need to remember is to ask myself, what do I really have control over? Today, in this moment, what is in my control? As ego-minded as we tend to be, when reduced to this question, it can be difficult to realize we have very little control or power over many of the things we are upset about. This doesn’t mean we are powerless, but it does mean to put our energies where we can truly make a difference.

What IS in my control is how I treat myself and others. I’ve been making a conscious effort to exchange greetings with people I see as I go about my daily life. In these derisive times, connection is vital. Compassion is everything. A kind word, a compliment, even a smile, can create a moment of positive energy, of love energy, that stitches up a bit of the torn fabric our society has become. This I can control. This I where I can see evidence of change. This is where I restore my faith in humanity. I find the smallest attempt at connection elicits such warm, human responses!

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Plato

I’ve always loved this quote, mainly because it’s true. As they say, if you scratch the surface of literally anyone, you’ll find wounds and scars and much more in common than the differences a lot of social media wants us to focus on. So yes, take control over daily interactions and CONNECT.

“All right,” you say, “but I can’t be an ostrich, or a Pollyanna, or a guru on a mountaintop, I have to live and deal with this reality. We are living is a time of great upheaval and chaos, and it would be irresponsible and ignorant of me to not be informed.” I get it. How do we engage without being engulfed? The answer, of course, is that we have to limit our input. Choose one or two sources for information that you can truly trust, and shut down or shut off everything else. If your feed is full of inflammatory rhetoric, unfollow those sites so they’re not thrust on you, but you can check them out when you choose to. Same with friends who may post constant chaos. As with any diet, take control of what you’re feeding yourself!

I try to be like a dragonfly. Have you watched a dragonfly near water? They flit around, living their life, then occasionally dip in for water. If they constantly sat on the water drinking, they would get too heavy and drown! They take a sip, then take off. I’m trying to do that with the news. Dip in, see what’s up, then take off so I don’t drown.

And yes, we must also be active participants in our society. If we feel moved to speak out or resist or protest, we must do it! But how much better if we can do it from a place of centeredness, a heart of kindness, and a balanced mind? These times call for an army of grounded, spirit filled warriors. Lead with compassion. Lead with connection. Lead with love.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Meet me in the eye of the hurricane, and let’s make good trouble.

Victoria McGee

4/13/25

CLING TO YOUR LIFE RAFTS

It’s a typical day; walk the dogs, do a little work, eat a little lunch. I’m floating along – gently down the stream. Then something knocks me underwater. It could be a text, a phone call, or a triggering news story. I’m sick to my stomach, spiraling inside myself, my heart rate increases, my breathing becomes shallow – and just like that, I’m in survival mode. Will I fight, fly, or freeze? The answer often depends on how quickly I engage one of my life rafts.

In the world of trauma healing, the term “window of tolerance” is important to understand. This is a concept developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, which suggests we have an optimal arousal level within parameters that allow for the ebb and flow of life. So the “window” is this area in the middle, where we can tolerate a certain amount of ups and downs without too much trouble. But certain life circumstances, or triggers, can throw us out of our window. Then we enter states of hyperarousal (fight or flight), or hypoarousal (freeze).

I recently heard Dr. Albert Wong, Director of Somatic Psychology at JFK University, refer to my previous state of mind as being on a “surfboard of stability.” This is being in the window of tolerance. Things feel fairly stable and manageable in life! But this is life, and we will from time to time get knocked off that surfboard.

When this happens, I do what I would do in the ocean, or a lake; I find a life raft to cling to.

Falling out of our window of tolerance, professionals in the field of trauma treatment suggest we compile resources to help us find our way back to a more manageable place. I call these resources my life rafts, and I cling to them when I get knocked off my surfboard.

Resources are varied and individual. You have to try some of them out, keep some, discard what doesn’t work, but it’s crucial that you identify what works and use it! Here are six general categories for you to start lashing together your own life rafts.

People – Form a raft thinking of the people who can help you self-regulate. This could be a trusted friend, maybe a family member, or a therapist. Think of a figure who is protective of you, who has your back, and who listens and helps without judgment. Perhaps you have someone in your life who is a wise mentor, who you can turn to for advice. Or maybe it’s someone nurturing, who will offer tender care and comfort. Make a list of these people in your life. You might have a mental list, but when you write it down and see the support available to you, that alone can be calming.  

“I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.” ~ Katherine Mansfield

Places – Sometimes a life raft of places, or a place, can provide the resources we need in times of struggle. And they can be real or imaginary! Maybe you have a favorite spot in a neighborhood park, or a view you can get to easily that calms you. It often helps to sit by a body of water when you can, or perhaps you like an indoor place. In my old house, I had a crying hall where I felt held and safe. In my mind, when I’ve needed a safe place, I go to a place from my childhood – it was actually an irrigation ditch, but we called it “the creek.” In my mind I lean against the big oak tree, take in the tire swing, dragonflies, and remember the simplicity of that time. Decide if a place can be a life raft for you. Describe it, and write what it is about it that comforts you.

“Someday you will find that place- a place that provides you peace, brings you serenity, and heals your sanity.” ~ Simran Noor

Grounding Activities – Any activity that helps you feel grounded and centered is a life raft! This could be mindfulness, meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises. When grounding, it’s helpful to actually be on the ground if you can. I once heard a yoga teacher tell us (sitting on the ground) to “wick up” energy and nurturing from the earth. The image of myself as a lantern wick, pulling UP support from the earth was very grounding, and I use it to this day! Grounding activities are good if you’re in hyperarousal as they can help you regulate your breathing, lower your blood pressure, and shift your focus to manageable tasks. For me, grounding is one of the best life rafts I have, and the best part is I can do it anywhere, any time.

“By grounding yourself in mindfulness early in the morning, you are reminding yourself that things are always changing, that good and bad things come and go, and that it is possible to embody a perspective of constancy, wisdom, and inner peace as you face any conditions that present themselves.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

Objects – This is another useful life raft, utilizing familiar or comforting objects that bring you a sense of peace, calm, or even amusement. An object can be anything that helps you stay in the present moment or serves as a talisman or touchstone. It can be anything from a stuffed animal to a treasured rock, a t-shirt, or a piece of jewelry. I have a fused glass necklace with my father’s ashes in it – I wear it when I need to feel his wisdom with me. I have several heart shaped rocks I use, and holding one always grounds me and helps me find my way. Beloved pets can also be life rafts (I would put them on the raft in the People category, but that’s just me!), because they offer unconditional love and often intuitively know when we need them. Gather the objects of your life raft in one place and acknowledge their importance in your healing.

“An object is just an object until you – or someone else – Infuses it with meaning and energy.” ~ Maia Toll

Activities – If you’re in hypoarousal (wanting to curl up in a ball under the covers) it can help to get active. Hypoarousal can feel like you’re in a boat that’s stuck on a sand bar, but the activity life raft can lift your spirits and help you not feel quite so helpless with whatever is going on.  It can be difficult to gather up the energy to start, but I encourage you to try! Because getting active in whatever way makes you feel good can be a quick way to return to regulation. Some ideas include music, humming, dance, hike, play a sport you like, or simply create – whether it’s art or yarn or craft projects or home projects – the activity raft can help get you unstuck!

“There is no healthier drug than creativity.” ~ Nayyirah Waheed

Engage your Spirit – Whatever your faith or belief system, the life raft of Spirit can quickly restore balance. When I fall out of the window of tolerance, either into hyper or hypo arousal, centering myself in Spirit offers stability and comfort. For me, turning to the Divine, turning over my feelings of panic or hopelessness, turning over my triggers and fears, is necessary to maintaining my healing. I spend time communing with Spirit, sometimes calling on the ancestors for care and wisdom, and I soon feel that support – the buoyancy of being held up out of the water, where I can breathe, and the knowledge that I will never be allowed to drown. How do you engage your spirit when you’re out of your window of tolerance? What can you rest in that comforts you? Create a simple mantra you can use to engage your soul quickly when needed.

“All through your life your soul takes care of you…your soul is alive and awakened, gathering, sheltering and guiding your ways and days in the world. In effect, your soul is your secret shelter.” ~ John O’Donohue

So, gather your resources. Don’t panic when you fall off your surfboard of stability. These are six ideas to help you get started. Try them out, see what helps. Invent new ones that work for you!

The important part is to have them! If you’re trying to live life and heal trauma without resources, it’s like going camping with no supplies. You will get desperate and ingest things (thoughts, food, drink) that aren’t as good for you.

We call on these resources; people, places, grounding, objects, activities, and Spirit as healthy ways to cope. And we slowly return to our window of tolerance, and float again – merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

Spiritual Bypassing in Trauma Healing

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I’ve seen the term “spiritual bypassing” tossed around a lot lately. Although the term was first coined by psychotherapist John Welwood in the early 1980s, it’s gained public awareness due to a combination of the growing spirituality movement, and also social media quotes and memes. It’s definitely something I’ve experienced and anyone healing from trauma needs to be aware of it.

Spiritual bypassing is defined by Welwood as “a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.” Often, people aren’t aware they are sidestepping or avoiding dealing with issues, they truly believe applying spiritual practices solely will provide complete healing. To say “Everything happens for a reason” or “Heaven needed another angel” might give momentary comfort, but it doesn’t deal with, or in any way heal, the kind of deep mental and emotional wounds we suffer in this human life.

As much as I write about including the soul in healing trauma, the key word is “include” which means “involve as a factor.” It doesn’t mean rely on solely! My faith and spiritual beliefs have certainly helped me heal trauma, but they are not enough on their own. I had deep family and relationship issues, traumatic events, and profound grief to deal with. These mental and emotional matters required skilled psychotherapy, and I’m forever grateful to the therapists I’ve worked with over the years. Without their guidance and insight, I would never have made the progress I have!

Soon (literally days) after I was assaulted, a so-called spiritual teacher led me on a guided visualization to a safe space, where she suggested I picture my attacker and offer forgiveness.

I can’t tell you the damage this did. I was young, so of course I put my trust in an older, wiser person. But this was not the time for me to move into forgiveness, delay my rage, and stuff down my hatred. I had been violated and did not feel safe in the world. If I felt rage, I thought “No, this happened for a reason. It will make me stronger.” If I felt unsafe, I thought “No, you need to trust that God will keep you safe.” (Btw, where was God when it happened?)  If I felt hatred, I thought “No, I need to forgive.” I thought of myself as spiritual, therefore I had to respond spiritually.

Thankfully, I quickly moved into therapy where my very human feelings were validated. Not just validated, but exhumed, released, and poured out into that safe space. Not only that, but I learned about trauma, trauma responses, PTSD, and that everything I was feeling, or would feel, was a normal response to an abnormal situation. Good therapists teach us about ourselves and the human condition! My healing journey continued with therapy and my only prayer became, “Help me heal.” Later, years later, there was eventually forgiveness, but it was for my own sake, so I could move forward.

Spiritual bypassing can delay deep mental and emotional healing. Unless you work with a skilled therapist to look at your issues head on, spiritual platitudes will only sustain you for so long. According to Gail Andrews, LCSW (@mentallywellish), “Spiritual bypassing is an egoic denial that keeps the trauma pushed down and unattended. When this happens our souls ache and we may even scramble for more spiritual guidance, inspiration and direction. The cycle persists – and the work of the soul is actually denied.”

I don’t know about you, but I can be the queen of avoidance. And I will use spirituality to avoid dealing with issues that confront me. Typical avoidance tools are work, busyness, scrolling, gaming, cleaning, streaming, eating, caring for others – but it’s important to include spiritual bypassing in this list. Are you diving deep into a spiritual or religious practice, only to find yourself empty and hurting when you’re not actively worshipping or praying? This is a clue that you need therapy in conjunction with your practice. Something is remaining unhealed, and to attempt to heal the soul without healing the mind is like wrapping a broken finger without a splint. It will heal, but it could heal straighter and stronger with more effort put into the treatment.

In conjunction with this, there is evidence that spirituality itself can actually have a positive effect on your mental health. Lisa Miller, professor of psychotherapy at Columbia University has done research with brain imaging that recorded how spiritual thoughts effect the brain. The region of our brain that is associated with emotional and sensory processing actually calms when we recall a spiritual experience. What gurus and mystics have always known – quieting the mind, spiritually sitting, praying or meditating – protects our mental health.

I saw a meme recently complaining about people saying “My trauma made me stronger.” Some find this kind of thinking problematic, especially people with CPTSD, victims of childhood abuse.  I understand what they mean. It can feel like spiritual bypassing. A better option would be “Healing trauma made me stronger.” It’s not like trauma was a choice. The choice lies in our healing – how we choose to heal, how soon, and how we navigate moving forward. My hope is that we continue to find the overlaps and helpful tools within therapy and spirituality. For me, working these two paths together was necessary in healing trauma – doing one without the other would have delayed my growth, both as a person and as a soul.

Do you have experience with this? What are your thoughts about this topic?

Therapy as a Sacred Act

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“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.” ~ Joseph Campbell

Whatever is sacred to you can move you toward your truest self. It can open you to discover your truest purpose. Entering into a sacred space allows you to stop distracting yourself with the stuff of life, and center on what is important, and what is healing.

I’ve found this to also be true of psychotherapy. A course of therapy with a gifted clinician is an absolutely sacred act. It is intimate. It is soul-baring. It is getting to the raw marrow of your life and learning how it made you, and also what you may become. A good therapist helps you activate your own capacity to heal.

Before I go further into this, please know if you have suffered any abuse while in therapy or with a counselor of any kind, this article will obviously not speak to you. I wish you deep healing from any situation of that sort. I am honoring good therapy and therapists, and hoping that those thinking about going to therapy will be encouraged.

Entering into a sacred state is, to me, what we do when we start a journey into psychotherapy. We come into presence with another entity whose sole purpose is to receive us unconditionally, look at our wounds with compassion, offer tools and comfort for healing, and encourage us to see ourselves as worthy and capable. In many ways, therapy is teaching us to see ourselves as God sees us, and use that vision to effect change.

Therapy, to me, can be likened to a sacred act in these ways: it requires a safe space, trust, ritual, and surrender.

“The soul is the sacred space where my head and heart meet, where God lives.” ~  Brene Brown

A good therapist creates a safe and sacred space where the client feels able to be open and honest. Your stories are safe with your therapist. (They are only required to share information if they determine you are a danger to yourself of someone else.) Stepping into your therapist’s office should feel like stepping into a sanctuary, where you are accepted exactly as you are. This feeling takes time to build between client and healer, but once established, it becomes a space with its own energy and dynamic that exists only between the two of you. Perhaps like your own private relationship with God, this safe space is where you find relief and release.

This safe space is not established without trust. Trust, of course, takes time, and is built by your therapist truly listening, remembering from session to session what you’re working on, and also being clear with boundaries for both of you. There must be a solid foundation of trust for real therapeutic work to take place. One of the ways therapists build trust is with almost a sacred contract, that during your time together they will be reverently dedicated to you and your healing. Like a prayer, you can lay your burdens down and trust you will be supported in your struggle.

“Ritual cuts through and operates on everything besides the ‘head’ level.” ~ Aiden Kelly

Therapy also has a ritual aspect to it that rings of something sacred. The same time, each week, is set apart for the specific activity of healing the self. New things are brought and discussed and discovered, but the time, the space, the people are the same and that sameness also builds the trust and feelings of safety so crucial to the ability to be open and honest with your therapist. Keeping the routine, trying to keep the appointment at the same time and day each week is an important ritual. Ritual helps us relax into the unknown by providing solid ground to rely on.

“There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou

Finally, surrender is crucial, both in therapy and in the realm of the sacred. We know when life brings us to our knees in total surrender, that is where we often find God. We surrender to the process life has in store for us and give our troubles over to be healed, our weary souls to be soothed. So it is in therapy. We surrender the hidden, the unspeakable, the ugliest memories, the darkness. We speak it out loud so it may be heard and healed. By giving it over, and giving it a voice, it becomes manageable. But not until we surrender it into capable hands. Surrender brings relief.

If you’ve worked with a good therapist, I’m sure this resonates with you. If you’ve been thinking about entering therapy, that’s a good sign that you should explore it. And if it helps you to think of it as a sacred act you can do for yourself, to bring yourself closer to a healed vision you’re holding onto, then enter that sanctuary and exhale. Breathe out what you’ve been holding and find healing.

Victoria McGee

1/28/23

3 Quotes for When We Lose Hope

Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay 

The world is upside down. We struggle every day to make sense of the happenings in the world. We reach, gasping for breath, hungry for hope. We reach, but many days come away empty. We feel at the mercy of events that spiral out of control – because we truly do have no control. We have only ourselves, our faith, our God. So where is God anyway? As someone who has survived trauma, I know there are moments in life where God cannot be found.

When I reach for hope, I find I keep coming back to these three quotes for comfort. They are simple, profound, and reassuring. They remind me that almost everything we experience has happened before, but the human race survives, faith persists, and somehow we go on.

The first is from Martin Luther King, Jr:

The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”

The moral universe being that which is the ultimate compass of what is right and what is wrong. Bending toward justice reminds us that when pain and suffering is caused, the tilt in the moral compass must be righted at some point. The Universe will bring justice to the situation, perhaps not in our time or in a way we recognize, but it will. We can look back and see this at work in the past, and we must cling to this truth in the present.

The second is from Julian of Norwich, a Christian mystic of the 14th Century. She wrote a passage I clung to when the pandemic started and still repeat it almost every day for comfort!

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well… For there is a Force of love in the Universe that holds us close and will never let us go.”

The force of Love moving through the Universe is whatever you call God. God does hold us close and never lets us go. But how shall things be well? That’s all relative, isn’t it? For some, it’s making enough this month to pay the bills; for a refugee, it’s a warm bed and a meal. For others, it’s winning one day in the battle of depression; for another, it’s surviving a night of shelling. For some, it’s being accepted by your family for who you are; for another, it’s being treated fairly and without prejudice. If you’ve survived trauma you know, there will eventually be days that all is well. They come, and will come again, in whatever form it takes. Have faith that God is holding us close.

The third quote is from author Jennifer Worth, who wrote “Call the Midwife.” As the Mother Superior counsels a young nurse who is distraught over something that happened and questioning God’s presence, she tells her this:

“God isn’t in the event. God is in the response to the event. In the love that is shown and the care that is given.”

This, for me, is perhaps the most comforting of all. Of course, God is not in events of human atrocity and cruelty. But look at the response. Look at the ICU nurses and doctors holding the hands of the dying during the pandemic, working tirelessly to save lives. Look at the Eastern European countries opening their homes to Ukrainian refugees without pause. Look at any disaster, and look at the response. There you find God. Hands-on God. Practical, tangible God!

Here is where we find hope. In each other.

These are my quotes that bring me peace of mind in troubled times. What are yours? Please share in the comments! The more we can ease each other’s hearts, minds, and souls, the better. These times can be exhausting – let’s hold each other up.

Because I survived trauma

Image by Kei Rothblack from Pixabay

Because I survived trauma, I often find it hard to sleep.

Because I survived trauma, I double check all the windows and doors and lock them, even in the middle of the day, with two large dogs, just to take a shower.

Because I survived trauma, I jump at sudden noises and movement.

Because I survived trauma, I sometimes wake my husband in the middle of the night groaning in a night terror.

Because I survived trauma, please don’t ever jump out and surprise me because I will leave my body for a while.

Because I survived trauma, it is sometimes difficult to completely relax or feel safe – anywhere.

Because I survived trauma, there are times I will cry and mourn for who I was before; the person who felt safe in the world.

Because I survived trauma, my moments of joy are dampened with caution.

Because I survived trauma, I sometimes fluctuate between being hyper-alert, and numb.

AND

Because I survived trauma, I found inner strength I wouldn’t have found otherwise.

Because I survived trauma, I learned about healing and courage and grace.

Because I survived trauma, I discovered that forgiveness really was something I had to do so I could move on.

Because I survived trauma, I viscerally realized that anger could be a healing agent when used correctly.

Because I survived trauma, I turned to God in a more profound way than I ever would have without it.

Because I survived trauma, I assembled a toolbox of meditation, spirituality, journaling, therapy, and mindfulness that helped me survive other, lesser traumas in my life.

Because I survived trauma, I made the surprising discovery that service to others is a powerful balm for traumatic wounds.

Because I survived trauma, the tools of self-awareness, self-compassion and self-care are at the forefront of my daily ritual. I deserve nothing less.

Because I survived trauma, I changed the course of my life and sought to teach and inspire and empower young people.

Because I survived trauma, I became an alchemist, transmuting the bad that had happened to me into a fireball of motivation to live well in spite of it.

Because I survived trauma, I gained wisdom I wouldn’t have learned any other way.

Most profoundly, because I survived trauma, over time, I gave birth to a deeper version of myself.

You are Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

11/14/2021

Sometimes the wall is the way

Photo by AD_Images on Pixabay

“Though we can’t always see it at the time, if we look upon events with some perspective, we see things always happen for our best interests. We are always being guided in a way better than we know ourselves.” ~ Swami Satchidananda

When I was much younger, there was a popular quote going around: “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” My friends and I applied this with great ferocity to relationships at the time, and it actually does make sense. Often, the tighter we try to hold onto something or someone, the more we push them away. The simple truth is we can never open the door to new love or new opportunities if we are still beating our head against a wall.

Since I have some years to look back on, I can see now that unequivocally, the times I felt blocked or stuck in life had to happen for me to finally seek a new way. The wall I felt up against was providing me a chance to choose differently, reframe my thoughts, and find a new path. But sometimes it took me SO LONG to give it up! I would try to get around, through, under, over, paint a door, blast a window, massage that damn wall for far too long before giving up. Long after the Magic 8 Ball said “Outlook not so good!” And if I’d had to admit it to myself, my gut knew the truth. My gut knew I had to let go of whatever this dream was, or the next one could not begin.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~ Joseph Campbell

Even so, it’s all part of the process right? All those attempts to make things work taught me a lot about myself and others. It always taught me what I was and was not willing to compromise. It taught me to begin to trust myself and my ability to make decisions. And it ultimately taught me not to fight the wall quite as long the next time. Because the wall is always showing me the way.

“Be grateful that certain things didn’t work out. Sometimes you don’t even know what you’re being protected from or where you’re being guided to when you’re in the midst of chaos. That’s why you just have to trust that greater things are aligning for you. Let go gracefully.” ~ Idil Ahmed

In my life, I’ve seen this in work and in relationships. Years ago, feeling stuck as a school counselor I changed schools. Same job, different school, same wall. Plus, I felt really stuck because retirement was getting close and I had a pension and I’d paid into it and I thought I just had to stay there. But I lifted my eyes from the wall and threw myself on the mercy of the internet and other types of jobs. I ended up getting a job in Hawaii and moving and living there for four years, teaching speech and theatre, and was never happier with teaching than in my last years of it! My husband also benefited from this move and it enhanced our quality of life and relationship in untold ways! If I hadn’t been at the wall, I never would’ve found the way.

In relationships too, we often get to where we feel stuck. Feeling stuck and unhappy in my last marriage was a catalyst for my ex and I to get counseling, but ultimately decide to part.  I never would have had the opportunity to meet and marry my current husband of 20+ years if I had still been in a marriage that wasn’t right for me. My ex remarried and is also in a better fit for him. So again, the wall was the way for us to open to a better partner for each of us.  

“When suffering happens, it forces us to confront life in a different way than we normally do.” ~ Philip Yancey

Looking back at your life, notice those times when things just didn’t work out, no matter how hard you tried to make it work! Look at where you ended up after that. Maybe you’re not there yet, but can you see how the wall is providing the way by making you have to move on? Only in retrospect can we learn to trust this process. In looking back, I see that I never really gave up anything, except suffering. In giving up, I saw opportunities that I could not envision when I was  staring resentfully at the wall! Look up, turn around, give up, it’s ALL OK. A new path will appear. I promise.

“Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need.” ~ marcandangel

You Are Still Beloved

Victoria McGee

Oct. 26, 2021