“Beautiful mosaics are made of broken pieces.” ~ Lori Jenessa Nelson
Trauma, grief, anxiety, the events of our lives often leave us feeling like our soul has been fractured. We feel scattered, like shattered pieces of ourselves have been chipped away and flung helter-skelter. We are broken.
No one gets through this life without experiencing devastation and loss. It’s part of the human experience, as much as joy, love and accomplishment. That doesn’t make it any easier. How do we find the strength and courage to pick up these pieces and try to put ourselves back together?
One piece at a time.
“You are not shattered; you are a breathtaking mosaic of the battles you havewon and the love that you are.” ~ Unknown
One broken piece at a time we begin to see where each piece might fit. Even as we grieve for what is no longer whole, we eventually start to try to put our life back together. Of course, what we put back together is not the same. It will never be the same. But it can become a mosaic, a new, functional creation that will have its own beauty.
In my own life, after a profound event, it’s the simple things that start to put me back together. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower. Cup of coffee? Yes, I like coffee. “I’m a person who likes coffee – ah! there’s a piece of who I am. I’ll place it here.” Here’s my cat. Yes, my cat. “I’m a person who likes cats. This piece belongs here.”
And eventually, we get to acceptance of ALL the pieces. Grief? Yes, I’ve felt deep grief. “I am a person who has grieved profoundly. Oh look – this can actually fit here, and it’s part of the whole.” Trauma? Yes, I’ve experienced trauma. “I’ve been a victim of assault. (Do I have to include this piece?) Yes, because look what other pieces fall into place because of your healing. Yes, yes, include it all!”
“We are mosaics. Pieces of light, love, history, stars.Glued together with magic and music and words.” ~ Anita Krizzan
Ultimately the mosaic, like our entire being, is a composite of our entire life, and all of our experiences! We eventually place the good pieces right next to the bad pieces, like complementary colors on the color wheel. Because this is the whole of our human experience. The key is acceptance. If we don’t accept what has happened in our lives, we continue to beat our head against a wall asking “Why?” And the only answer is “Because you are alive, and shit happens.” We are on a planet full of terrible things happening all the time. The odds are we will be affected at some point. When we are, we need to grieve, cry, be angry, feel all the feelings, but then accept; this happened. Only then can the pieces start to look like a new pattern, a new hope.
“The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what it is, you arefree of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Constructing the mosaic of our experience is our life’s work. Sometimes we are re-shattered and must start over, and that mosaic will be different from the last, and so on until our last breath. Our souls were not made to lie scattered on the floor. Our souls were made to guide us to our healing, to our wholeness. Ask for guidance. God will show us where to start. Spirit will help us look back in awe at the mosaic of our life so far, and marvel at the beauty, the aching beauty of it.
“Hold fast to whatever fragments of love that exist, for sometimes a mosaicis more beautiful than an unbroken pattern.” ~ Dawn Powell
Rather than reacting from the chaos of the storm.” – George Mumford
Full disclosure, I’m writing this piece today for myself. Because I know these things; I have many tools at my disposal to keep me sane and grounded in these times, but on the days it’s all just too overwhelming I will forget my tools, or distract myself, or get sucked into despair and/or anger. So I need to remind myself how to stay centered, grounded and connected with Spirit in these challenging times.
Of course, base camp is meditation or prayer, whatever brings you into space with your soul, higher consciousness, the Universe, God, the Beloved. Get yourself daily to a quiet, private place, even if it’s in your mind. Here is where we can be soothed, and remember we are part of something much bigger than the latest headline. Here we can empty our mind of the input of the world, and open it to receive the input of Spirit. Here is where we can surrender, lay our worries and fear on the table, and receive comfort. Here is where we can truly BREATHE.
“A long, deep breath is the equivalent of a full stop
and the key to centering.” – Eric Maisel
Don’t underestimate the power of the breath. As we center, employing a breathing practice that uses deep, belly breaths signals our parasympathetic nervous system that it’s safe to relax. Regulated breathing stimulates the vagus nerve which lowers your stress responses. With practice, quieting the mind, tuning in to Spirit, and deep breathing can return you to a state of centeredness within minutes. Keeping a regular practice can be difficult with the distractions all around us, but the more often we practice, the quicker we can return to a state of calm when we really need it!
Another tool I need to remember is to ask myself, what do I really have control over? Today, in this moment, what is in my control? As ego-minded as we tend to be, when reduced to this question, it can be difficult to realize we have very little control or power over many of the things we are upset about. This doesn’t mean we are powerless, but it does mean to put our energies where we can truly make a difference.
What IS in my control is how I treat myself and others. I’ve been making a conscious effort to exchange greetings with people I see as I go about my daily life. In these derisive times, connection is vital. Compassion is everything. A kind word, a compliment, even a smile, can create a moment of positive energy, of love energy, that stitches up a bit of the torn fabric our society has become. This I can control. This I where I can see evidence of change. This is where I restore my faith in humanity. I find the smallest attempt at connection elicits such warm, human responses!
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Plato
I’ve always loved this quote, mainly because it’s true. As they say, if you scratch the surface of literally anyone, you’ll find wounds and scars and much more in common than the differences a lot of social media wants us to focus on. So yes, take control over daily interactions and CONNECT.
“All right,” you say, “but I can’t be an ostrich, or a Pollyanna, or a guru on a mountaintop, I have to live and deal with this reality. We are living is a time of great upheaval and chaos, and it would be irresponsible and ignorant of me to not be informed.” I get it. How do we engage without being engulfed? The answer, of course, is that we have to limit our input. Choose one or two sources for information that you can truly trust, and shut down or shut off everything else. If your feed is full of inflammatory rhetoric, unfollow those sites so they’re not thrust on you, but you can check them out when you choose to. Same with friends who may post constant chaos. As with any diet, take control of what you’re feeding yourself!
I try to be like a dragonfly. Have you watched a dragonfly near water? They flit around, living their life, then occasionally dip in for water. If they constantly sat on the water drinking, they would get too heavy and drown! They take a sip, then take off. I’m trying to do that with the news. Dip in, see what’s up, then take off so I don’t drown.
And yes, we must also be active participants in our society. If we feel moved to speak out or resist or protest, we must do it! But how much better if we can do it from a place of centeredness, a heart of kindness, and a balanced mind? These times call for an army of grounded, spirit filled warriors. Lead with compassion. Lead with connection. Lead with love.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Meet me in the eye of the hurricane, and let’s make good trouble.
Do you have time to read this? Can you take a breath and give yourself a pause? Did you read more often during the pandemic? As I’ve grown busier this past year, I’ve noticed a certain dark comfort in getting back into the routine of being productive, rather than just being. Dark because something feels unresolved.
A lot of us who survived the pandemic have moved on – maybe too quickly? We want to distract ourselves from what we’ve been through and return to some sense of “normal.” Of course we do. Besides the pandemic, we were experiencing profound racial injustices, unprecedented political division, and for many there was also job loss and food insecurity. Anxiety was at an all-time high. We needed to grieve. We needed to breathe. At the same time we needed to take deep breaths, we were masking! How could we stop and grieve when we were consumed with wondering if we would survive?
I see in our society both an individual and collective soul wound from the pandemic. The earth can’t lose that many souls, and endure so much friction and strife without us feeling it on a cellular and spiritual level. Isn’t it important to take the time to grieve this moment in our history?
Unlike some traumas that are sudden and unexpected, the pandemic crept up on us. There was no moment of shock, just a growing sense of danger, followed by feelings of dread. Then when the statistics started being reported we had no way to gather and mourn. We had no balm for the grief in the usual ways – rituals, funerals, gathering together to share the loss. No way to support the bereaved or honor the dead. Grief requires a witness. We were isolated.
And this grief is ongoing. One study estimated that for every person lost to Covid, there are nine grieving loved ones who were close to them. In the US alone, nearly 2.0 million people have died from Covid to date. (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/vsrr/covid19/index.htm)
Multiply that by nine and the amount of grief walking around is staggering.
Within these statistics are also so many personal griefs within the statistics. Not being able to attend funerals, celebrations, travel to help out family members, students who lost two years of peer socialization and academics, people who lost jobs and housing. The losses are many and grave.
So, how do we move forward? How do we heal this soul wound and move forward? Can we grieve what was lost, while keeping the good that may have been gained by slowing down? The key is to do it mindfully. Move forward, yes, be busy if you find it helps, but dedicate some time to paying mindful respect to an unforgettable period in our lives.
As with all grief, ritual and reflection can help us with this. Now that you can travel, visit the family and perhaps memorials of those you may have lost. If you don’t know anyone personally, there are webpages dedicated to those who were lost. Visit them and pay respects.
In private, light a candle, say a prayer, acknowledge what the world has been through and your part in it. Perform some kind of service work in honor of those who died. Plant a tree or a garden to commemorate the years of lockdown, and to symbolize hope for the future.
Write about your own journey. How did lockdown effect you? Did it change you in any way? Did it change others in your circle? How did you handle the fear and anxiety of lockdown? Did you get Covid? What was that like for you, what were your emotions around it? Did your faith or beliefs change during this time? Do you have a new normal? Spend some time in deep reflection on this! Writing your own history during this time will be fascinating for your descendants to read some day as well!
Sometimes, we simply need to acknowledge what we’ve been through. And we have all been through a lot. Not as much as first responders and front-line workers, who showed up and cared for us no matter the risk to their own health! Saints one and all. But still, as a collective, we have been through a lot!
So take a moment today to connect with your soul. Breathe in, place your hand on your heart, and let yourself grieve. It’s okay. It was a lot. Feel it a little at a time. Then take another breath and fill your lungs with courage and faith. Here is a guided meditation for you to try.
Today I quiet my mind, taking a moment to acknowledge what I have lived through. I know it’s something I will always carry, and I know it has changed me in ways seen and unseen. I recognize and accept the loss and grief of this human experience. I will seek some joy and gratitude today as I ask God to help me move forward mindfully, cognizant of the grief, and hopeful for better days.
It’s a typical day; walk the dogs, do a little work, eat a little lunch. I’m floating along – gently down the stream. Then something knocks me underwater. It could be a text, a phone call, or a triggering news story. I’m sick to my stomach, spiraling inside myself, my heart rate increases, my breathing becomes shallow – and just like that, I’m in survival mode. Will I fight, fly, or freeze? The answer often depends on how quickly I engage one of my life rafts.
In the world of trauma healing, the term “window of tolerance” is important to understand. This is a concept developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, which suggests we have an optimal arousal level within parameters that allow for the ebb and flow of life. So the “window” is this area in the middle, where we can tolerate a certain amount of ups and downs without too much trouble. But certain life circumstances, or triggers, can throw us out of our window. Then we enter states of hyperarousal (fight or flight), or hypoarousal (freeze).
I recently heard Dr. Albert Wong, Director of Somatic Psychology at JFK University, refer to my previous state of mind as being on a “surfboard of stability.” This is being in the window of tolerance. Things feel fairly stable and manageable in life! But this is life, and we will from time to time get knocked off that surfboard.
When this happens, I do what I would do in the ocean, or a lake; I find a life raft to cling to.
Falling out of our window of tolerance, professionals in the field of trauma treatment suggest we compile resources to help us find our way back to a more manageable place. I call these resources my life rafts, and I cling to them when I get knocked off my surfboard.
Resources are varied and individual. You have to try some of them out, keep some, discard what doesn’t work, but it’s crucial that you identify what works and use it! Here are six general categories for you to start lashing together your own life rafts.
People – Form a raft thinking of the people who can help you self-regulate. This could be a trusted friend, maybe a family member, or a therapist. Think of a figure who is protective of you, who has your back, and who listens and helps without judgment. Perhaps you have someone in your life who is a wise mentor, who you can turn to for advice. Or maybe it’s someone nurturing, who will offer tender care and comfort. Make a list of these people in your life. You might have a mental list, but when you write it down and see the support available to you, that alone can be calming.
“I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendshipwas that one had to explain nothing.” ~ Katherine Mansfield
Places – Sometimes a life raft of places, or a place, can provide the resources we need in times of struggle. And they can be real or imaginary! Maybe you have a favorite spot in a neighborhood park, or a view you can get to easily that calms you. It often helps to sit by a body of water when you can, or perhaps you like an indoor place. In my old house, I had a crying hall where I felt held and safe. In my mind, when I’ve needed a safe place, I go to a place from my childhood – it was actually an irrigation ditch, but we called it “the creek.” In my mind I lean against the big oak tree, take in the tire swing, dragonflies, and remember the simplicity of that time. Decide if a place can be a life raft for you. Describe it, and write what it is about it that comforts you.
“Someday you will find that place- a place that provides you peace,brings you serenity, and heals your sanity.” ~ Simran Noor
Grounding Activities – Any activity that helps you feel grounded and centered is a life raft! This could be mindfulness, meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises. When grounding, it’s helpful to actually be on the ground if you can. I once heard a yoga teacher tell us (sitting on the ground) to “wick up” energy and nurturing from the earth. The image of myself as a lantern wick, pulling UP support from the earth was very grounding, and I use it to this day! Grounding activities are good if you’re in hyperarousal as they can help you regulate your breathing, lower your blood pressure, and shift your focus to manageable tasks. For me, grounding is one of the best life rafts I have, and the best part is I can do it anywhere, any time.
“By grounding yourself in mindfulness early in the morning, you are reminding yourself that things are always changing, that good and bad things come and go, and that it is possible to embody a perspective of constancy, wisdom, and inner peace as you face any conditions that present themselves.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Objects – This is another useful life raft, utilizing familiar or comforting objects that bring you a sense of peace, calm, or even amusement. An object can be anything that helps you stay in the present moment or serves as a talisman or touchstone. It can be anything from a stuffed animal to a treasured rock, a t-shirt, or a piece of jewelry. I have a fused glass necklace with my father’s ashes in it – I wear it when I need to feel his wisdom with me. I have several heart shaped rocks I use, and holding one always grounds me and helps me find my way. Beloved pets can also be life rafts (I would put them on the raft in the People category, but that’s just me!), because they offer unconditional love and often intuitively know when we need them. Gather the objects of your life raft in one place and acknowledge their importance in your healing.
“An object is just an object until you – or someone else –Infuses it with meaning and energy.” ~ Maia Toll
Activities – If you’re in hypoarousal (wanting to curl up in a ball under the covers) it can help to get active. Hypoarousal can feel like you’re in a boat that’s stuck on a sand bar, but the activity life raft can lift your spirits and help you not feel quite so helpless with whatever is going on. It can be difficult to gather up the energy to start, but I encourage you to try! Because getting active in whatever way makes you feel good can be a quick way to return to regulation. Some ideas include music, humming, dance, hike, play a sport you like, or simply create – whether it’s art or yarn or craft projects or home projects – the activity raft can help get you unstuck!
“There is no healthier drug than creativity.” ~ Nayyirah Waheed
Engage your Spirit – Whatever your faith or belief system, the life raft of Spirit can quickly restore balance. When I fall out of the window of tolerance, either into hyper or hypo arousal, centering myself in Spirit offers stability and comfort. For me, turning to the Divine, turning over my feelings of panic or hopelessness, turning over my triggers and fears, is necessary to maintaining my healing. I spend time communing with Spirit, sometimes calling on the ancestors for care and wisdom, and I soon feel that support – the buoyancy of being held up out of the water, where I can breathe, and the knowledge that I will never be allowed to drown. How do you engage your spirit when you’re out of your window of tolerance? What can you rest in that comforts you? Create a simple mantra you can use to engage your soul quickly when needed.
“All through your life your soul takes care of you…your soul is alive and awakened,gathering, sheltering and guiding your ways and days in the world.In effect, your soul is your secret shelter.” ~ John O’Donohue
So, gather your resources. Don’t panic when you fall off your surfboard of stability. These are six ideas to help you get started. Try them out, see what helps. Invent new ones that work for you!
The important part is to have them! If you’re trying to live life and heal trauma without resources, it’s like going camping with no supplies. You will get desperate and ingest things (thoughts, food, drink) that aren’t as good for you.
We call on these resources; people, places, grounding, objects, activities, and Spirit as healthy ways to cope. And we slowly return to our window of tolerance, and float again – merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
In the journey of healing from trauma, self-care emerges as a beacon of hope and resilience. This exploration into self-care’s transformative power reveals how adopting such practices can profoundly bolster your mental health. Self-care isn’t just an act of indulgence; it’s a vital strategy for enhancing your life’s quality, offering a buffer against the hardships that life often presents. In this guide, presented by Victoria McGee at Still Beloved, we’ll look at several things you can do to take care of your physical and mental wellness while healing from trauma.
Building a Bulwark Against Burnout
Self-care serves as a crucial shield, safeguarding you from burnout and exhaustion. It’s about understanding your limits and granting yourself permission to step back and rejuvenate. By regularly engaging in self-care, you create a resilient foundation that supports you, enabling you to navigate daily challenges with renewed energy and a calmer mindset.
Refining Self-Care in Remote Work
For those working from home, optimizing your self-care routine can be transformative. Simple yet impactful actions like letting sunlight into your workspace or using a lamp that mimics natural light in darker months can uplift your mood. These small changes can significantly boost your mental clarity and overall well-being, even in the confines of your home.
Enhancing Cognitive Sharpness
Engaging in self-care activities that focus on mental rejuvenation can remarkably enhance your cognitive functions and concentration. Activities that relax the mind, such as meditation or hobbies that you enjoy, can increase your focus and productivity. This sharpening of your mental faculties is a testament to the power of self-care in enhancing brain health.
Financial Well-being Through Home Economics
Managing financial stress is a vital aspect of self-care. Exploring options like home refinancing can alleviate financial burdens, creating a more peaceful mental space. By lowering monthly expenses, you not only ease monetary stress but also open up avenues for investing in other areas of self-care and mental well-being.
Prioritizing a Healthy Lifestyle
Investing in a healthier lifestyle is a cornerstone of self-care. Making choices based on thorough research about health-centric products and practices can lead to a more fulfilling and content life. By focusing on quality and effectiveness, you nurture your body and mind, paving the way for enhanced well-being.
Addressing Emotional Scars
Self-care is essential in your healing process from emotional wounds and trauma. By creating a personal sanctuary, you provide a space to confront and soothe your emotional scars. This self-care journey leads to significant personal growth, helping you become stronger and more resilient. Through this process, you find strength and healing, emerging as a more robust version of yourself.
Fostering Happiness and Contentment
Regular self-care routines significantly boost your happiness and life satisfaction. Engaging consistently in self-care creates a positive feedback loop in your life. This cycle begins with you taking care of yourself, leading to increased joy. This joy then further motivates you to maintain your self-care practices, enhancing your overall well-being.
Enhancing Social Bonds
Through self-care, you enhance your emotional stability, a key factor in maintaining healthy social relationships. Your journey towards emotional resilience, fortified by self-care, expands your ability to connect and nurture your relationships. The quality of your social interactions and connections improves significantly as you grow stronger emotionally. This growth in emotional strength, fueled by self-care, positively transforms your social life and interactions.
Self-care is crucial in your healing journey from trauma, far beyond a mere luxury, it’s essential for your mental health. By embracing self-care, you’re not just choosing temporary relief, but committing to a path where well-being and joy become enduring aspects of your life. As you prioritize self-care, you’re actively shaping a life filled with greater peace and happiness. Your dedication to self-care transforms it into a powerful tool for sustained mental and emotional resilience.
Victoria McGee offers Reiki healing sessions and spiritual consulting for those looking to enhance their mental and physical wellness. Visit Still Beloved today to learn more.
You better sit down. I’m going to tell you one of the great secrets of life. There is a way to not be constantly arguing or in a state of dis-ease with others. There is a way to be in the world without feeling like you have to be ready for a battle at any time. It’s the Tao of “OK.” Here is how I learned it.
I had a mother who was always right. Even when she was wrong. There was no arguing with her. So, as a young adult, I began to develop the Tao of “OK.” In Buddhist teachings, the Tao is the path, the way, and I’ve found throughout my life, sometimes it is the only way.
This began when my mother was talking to a relative about two major teenage illnesses I’d had. Mononucleosis and the Hong Kong Flu. She said I had Mono in 12th grade and the Hong Kong Flu in 9th grade. She had it backwards, which I knew because I was the one who was sick and I distinctly remember being teased in 9th grade for having the “kissing disease!” I spoke up and made the correction, but my mother insisted she was right. We went back and forth a few times, then I simply said, “OK.” She didn’t know how to respond to that! She gave me a look that said, I know you still think you’re right, but you’re not, and we both just moved on.
Wow! I understood in that moment that we could both be right in our separate versions of reality! I didn’t have to convince her of anything (nor could I if I tried), and likewise, she let go of convincing me that she was right. It went back to the old adage, “Would you rather be right or happy?” I’d rather be happy – 100% of the time. Admittedly, this was a small thing for us to argue about, but I’ve found throughout my life that the Tao of OK can be applied to many situations.
This is not to say there are times when we absolutely need to voice our opinions, beliefs, and moral stance for the sake of critical discourse and discussion. This is to say that it’s important to know your audience, pick your battles, and put your relationships and peace of mind first. (Admittedly, there’s a chance that just answering with “OK” could infuriate the other party if they’re itching for an argument, but I’ve found that much of the time it works to diffuse minor disagreements.) My husband knows when I say, “OK” it means I still think I’m right, but it’s really not worth feeling discord in the marriage about it! Let’s just move past it. And now he does it too!
It’s difficult in today’s world with social media and texting to always know what is really being said. People feel free to make rude or disparaging comments on social media when we express an opinion they disagree with. Here again, it’s sometimes useful to just say OK and get on with your life. You’re not likely to change their mind, nor are they likely to change yours. The need to be right is always ego-driven, not spirit-driven.
Politics and religion are two areas people tend to not budge on. These arguments can get ugly very quickly, often devolving into personal attack. If someone attacks you or your family personally, by all means, stick up for yourself, but otherwise, is it worth sacrificing your peace of mind to make a point to someone whose beliefs are firmly entrenched? Again, I’d rather be happy and let them go their own way. In philosophy, the best arguments are those that allow for the principle of intellectual humility, understanding that even one’s most cherished beliefs could be better supported or improved. This is not the norm on social media! So pick your battles.
Spiritually, the Tao of OK helps me remain peaceful and loving. I really loved my mom, and she loved me, with all our quirks and differing beliefs. We knew when to back down from each other, let the other person have their own beliefs, and be at peace with that. I use this with my husband and now my grown son. You’ll never agree on absolutely everything with everyone in your life. So why not choose to value your close relationships and value your peace of mind above everything? Utilize the Tao of OK, and let it be. It really is one of the great secrets of life!
I’ve seen the term “spiritual bypassing” tossed around a lot lately. Although the term was first coined by psychotherapist John Welwood in the early 1980s, it’s gained public awareness due to a combination of the growing spirituality movement, and also social media quotes and memes. It’s definitely something I’ve experienced and anyone healing from trauma needs to be aware of it.
Spiritual bypassing is defined by Welwood as “a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.” Often, people aren’t aware they are sidestepping or avoiding dealing with issues, they truly believe applying spiritual practices solely will provide complete healing. To say “Everything happens for a reason” or “Heaven needed another angel” might give momentary comfort, but it doesn’t deal with, or in any way heal, the kind of deep mental and emotional wounds we suffer in this human life.
As much as I write about including the soul in healing trauma, the key word is “include” which means “involve as a factor.” It doesn’t mean rely on solely! My faith and spiritual beliefs have certainly helped me heal trauma, but they are not enough on their own. I had deep family and relationship issues, traumatic events, and profound grief to deal with. These mental and emotional matters required skilled psychotherapy, and I’m forever grateful to the therapists I’ve worked with over the years. Without their guidance and insight, I would never have made the progress I have!
Soon (literally days) after I was assaulted, a so-called spiritual teacher led me on a guided visualization to a safe space, where she suggested I picture my attacker and offer forgiveness.
I can’t tell you the damage this did. I was young, so of course I put my trust in an older, wiser person. But this was not the time for me to move into forgiveness, delay my rage, and stuff down my hatred. I had been violated and did not feel safe in the world. If I felt rage, I thought “No, this happened for a reason. It will make me stronger.” If I felt unsafe, I thought “No, you need to trust that God will keep you safe.” (Btw, where was God when it happened?) If I felt hatred, I thought “No, I need to forgive.” I thought of myself as spiritual, therefore I had to respond spiritually.
Thankfully, I quickly moved into therapy where my very human feelings were validated. Not just validated, but exhumed, released, and poured out into that safe space. Not only that, but I learned about trauma, trauma responses, PTSD, and that everything I was feeling, or would feel, was a normal response to an abnormal situation. Good therapists teach us about ourselves and the human condition! My healing journey continued with therapy and my only prayer became, “Help me heal.” Later, years later, there was eventually forgiveness, but it was for my own sake, so I could move forward.
Spiritual bypassing can delay deep mental and emotional healing. Unless you work with a skilled therapist to look at your issues head on, spiritual platitudes will only sustain you for so long. According to Gail Andrews, LCSW (@mentallywellish), “Spiritual bypassing is an egoic denial that keeps the trauma pushed down and unattended. When this happens our souls ache and we may even scramble for more spiritual guidance, inspiration and direction. The cycle persists – and the work of the soul is actually denied.”
I don’t know about you, but I can be the queen of avoidance. And I will use spirituality to avoid dealing with issues that confront me. Typical avoidance tools are work, busyness, scrolling, gaming, cleaning, streaming, eating, caring for others – but it’s important to include spiritual bypassing in this list. Are you diving deep into a spiritual or religious practice, only to find yourself empty and hurting when you’re not actively worshipping or praying? This is a clue that you need therapy in conjunction with your practice. Something is remaining unhealed, and to attempt to heal the soul without healing the mind is like wrapping a broken finger without a splint. It will heal, but it could heal straighter and stronger with more effort put into the treatment.
In conjunction with this, there is evidence that spirituality itself can actually have a positive effect on your mental health. Lisa Miller, professor of psychotherapy at Columbia University has done research with brain imaging that recorded how spiritual thoughts effect the brain. The region of our brain that is associated with emotional and sensory processing actually calms when we recall a spiritual experience. What gurus and mystics have always known – quieting the mind, spiritually sitting, praying or meditating – protects our mental health.
I saw a meme recently complaining about people saying “My trauma made me stronger.” Some find this kind of thinking problematic, especially people with CPTSD, victims of childhood abuse. I understand what they mean. It can feel like spiritual bypassing. A better option would be “Healing trauma made me stronger.” It’s not like trauma was a choice. The choice lies in our healing – how we choose to heal, how soon, and how we navigate moving forward. My hope is that we continue to find the overlaps and helpful tools within therapy and spirituality. For me, working these two paths together was necessary in healing trauma – doing one without the other would have delayed my growth, both as a person and as a soul.
Do you have experience with this? What are your thoughts about this topic?
“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.” ~ Joseph Campbell
Whatever is sacred to you can move you toward your truest self. It can open you to discover your truest purpose. Entering into a sacred space allows you to stop distracting yourself with the stuff of life, and center on what is important, and what is healing.
I’ve found this to also be true of psychotherapy. A course of therapy with a gifted clinician is an absolutely sacred act. It is intimate. It is soul-baring. It is getting to the raw marrow of your life and learning how it made you, and also what you may become. A good therapist helps you activate your own capacity to heal.
Before I go further into this, please know if you have suffered any abuse while in therapy or with a counselor of any kind, this article will obviously not speak to you. I wish you deep healing from any situation of that sort. I am honoring good therapy and therapists, and hoping that those thinking about going to therapy will be encouraged.
Entering into a sacred state is, to me, what we do when we start a journey into psychotherapy. We come into presence with another entity whose sole purpose is to receive us unconditionally, look at our wounds with compassion, offer tools and comfort for healing, and encourage us to see ourselves as worthy and capable. In many ways, therapy is teaching us to see ourselves as God sees us, and use that vision to effect change.
Therapy, to me, can be likened to a sacred act in these ways: it requires a safe space, trust, ritual, and surrender.
“The soul is the sacred space where my head and heart meet, where God lives.” ~ Brene Brown
A good therapist creates a safe and sacred space where the client feels able to be open and honest. Your stories are safe with your therapist. (They are only required to share information if they determine you are a danger to yourself of someone else.) Stepping into your therapist’s office should feel like stepping into a sanctuary, where you are accepted exactly as you are. This feeling takes time to build between client and healer, but once established, it becomes a space with its own energy and dynamic that exists only between the two of you. Perhaps like your own private relationship with God, this safe space is where you find relief and release.
This safe space is not established without trust. Trust, of course, takes time, and is built by your therapist truly listening, remembering from session to session what you’re working on, and also being clear with boundaries for both of you. There must be a solid foundation of trust for real therapeutic work to take place. One of the ways therapists build trust is with almost a sacred contract, that during your time together they will be reverently dedicated to you and your healing. Like a prayer, you can lay your burdens down and trust you will be supported in your struggle.
“Ritual cuts through and operates on everything besides the ‘head’ level.” ~ Aiden Kelly
Therapy also has a ritual aspect to it that rings of something sacred. The same time, each week, is set apart for the specific activity of healing the self. New things are brought and discussed and discovered, but the time, the space, the people are the same and that sameness also builds the trust and feelings of safety so crucial to the ability to be open and honest with your therapist. Keeping the routine, trying to keep the appointment at the same time and day each week is an important ritual. Ritual helps us relax into the unknown by providing solid ground to rely on.
“There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou
Finally, surrender is crucial, both in therapy and in the realm of the sacred. We know when life brings us to our knees in total surrender, that is where we often find God. We surrender to the process life has in store for us and give our troubles over to be healed, our weary souls to be soothed. So it is in therapy. We surrender the hidden, the unspeakable, the ugliest memories, the darkness. We speak it out loud so it may be heard and healed. By giving it over, and giving it a voice, it becomes manageable. But not until we surrender it into capable hands. Surrender brings relief.
If you’ve worked with a good therapist, I’m sure this resonates with you. If you’ve been thinking about entering therapy, that’s a good sign that you should explore it. And if it helps you to think of it as a sacred act you can do for yourself, to bring yourself closer to a healed vision you’re holding onto, then enter that sanctuary and exhale. Breathe out what you’ve been holding and find healing.
Because I survived trauma, I often find it hard to sleep.
Because I survived trauma, I double check all the windows and doors and lock them, even in the middle of the day, with two large dogs, just to take a shower.
Because I survived trauma, I jump at sudden noises and movement.
Because I survived trauma, I sometimes wake my husband in the middle of the night groaning in a night terror.
Because I survived trauma, please don’t ever jump out and surprise me because I will leave my body for a while.
Because I survived trauma, it is sometimes difficult to completely relax or feel safe – anywhere.
Because I survived trauma, there are times I will cry and mourn for who I was before; the person who felt safe in the world.
Because I survived trauma, my moments of joy are dampened with caution.
Because I survived trauma, I sometimes fluctuate between being hyper-alert, and numb.
AND
Because I survived trauma, I found inner strength I wouldn’t have found otherwise.
Because I survived trauma, I learned about healing and courage and grace.
Because I survived trauma, I discovered that forgiveness really was something I had to do so I could move on.
Because I survived trauma, I viscerally realized that anger could be a healing agent when used correctly.
Because I survived trauma, I turned to God in a more profound way than I ever would have without it.
Because I survived trauma, I assembled a toolbox of meditation, spirituality, journaling, therapy, and mindfulness that helped me survive other, lesser traumas in my life.
Because I survived trauma, I made the surprising discovery that service to others is a powerful balm for traumatic wounds.
Because I survived trauma, the tools of self-awareness, self-compassion and self-care are at the forefront of my daily ritual. I deserve nothing less.
Because I survived trauma, I changed the course of my life and sought to teach and inspire and empower young people.
Because I survived trauma, I became an alchemist, transmuting the bad that had happened to me into a fireball of motivation to live well in spite of it.
Because I survived trauma, I gained wisdom I wouldn’t have learned any other way.
Most profoundly, because I survived trauma, over time, I gave birth to a deeper version of myself.
“Though we can’t always see it at the time, if we look upon events with some perspective, we see things always happen for our best interests. We are always being guided in a way better than we know ourselves.” ~ Swami Satchidananda
When I was much younger, there was a popular quote going around: “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” My friends and I applied this with great ferocity to relationships at the time, and it actually does make sense. Often, the tighter we try to hold onto something or someone, the more we push them away. The simple truth is we can never open the door to new love or new opportunities if we are still beating our head against a wall.
Since I have some years to look back on, I can see now that unequivocally, the times I felt blocked or stuck in life had to happen for me to finally seek a new way. The wall I felt up against was providing me a chance to choose differently, reframe my thoughts, and find a new path. But sometimes it took me SO LONG to give it up! I would try to get around, through, under, over, paint a door, blast a window, massage that damn wall for far too long before giving up. Long after the Magic 8 Ball said “Outlook not so good!” And if I’d had to admit it to myself, my gut knew the truth. My gut knew I had to let go of whatever this dream was, or the next one could not begin.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~ Joseph Campbell
Even so, it’s all part of the process right? All those attempts to make things work taught me a lot about myself and others. It always taught me what I was and was not willing to compromise. It taught me to begin to trust myself and my ability to make decisions. And it ultimately taught me not to fight the wall quite as long the next time. Because the wall is always showing me the way.
“Be grateful that certain things didn’t work out. Sometimes you don’t even know what you’re being protected from or where you’re being guided to when you’re in the midst of chaos. That’s why you just have to trust that greater things are aligning for you. Let go gracefully.”~ Idil Ahmed
In my life, I’ve seen this in work and in relationships. Years ago, feeling stuck as a school counselor I changed schools. Same job, different school, same wall. Plus, I felt really stuck because retirement was getting close and I had a pension and I’d paid into it and I thought I just had to stay there. But I lifted my eyes from the wall and threw myself on the mercy of the internet and other types of jobs. I ended up getting a job in Hawaii and moving and living there for four years, teaching speech and theatre, and was never happier with teaching than in my last years of it! My husband also benefited from this move and it enhanced our quality of life and relationship in untold ways! If I hadn’t been at the wall, I never would’ve found the way.
In relationships too, we often get to where we feel stuck. Feeling stuck and unhappy in my last marriage was a catalyst for my ex and I to get counseling, but ultimately decide to part. I never would have had the opportunity to meet and marry my current husband of 20+ years if I had still been in a marriage that wasn’t right for me. My ex remarried and is also in a better fit for him. So again, the wall was the way for us to open to a better partner for each of us.
“When suffering happens, it forces us to confront life in a different way than we normally do.”~ Philip Yancey
Looking back at your life, notice those times when things just didn’t work out, no matter how hard you tried to make it work! Look at where you ended up after that. Maybe you’re not there yet, but can you see how the wall is providing the way by making you haveto move on? Only in retrospect can we learn to trust this process. In looking back, I see that I never really gave up anything, except suffering. In giving up, I saw opportunities that I could not envision when I was staring resentfully at the wall! Look up, turn around, give up, it’s ALL OK. A new path will appear. I promise.
“Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need.” ~ marcandangel
Victoria McGee, M.A. 